Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Depressed & Hormonal

The past couple weeks I have found myself really down, pretty much depressed. All the sadness and crying has come back. I find myself just breaking down over stuff that I thought I was over. It has been forever since I have felt like crying when I am around babies but yet last week when we took Katie to the doctor and the room was filled with newborns for their wellbaby appointments it took everything in me to not break down there in front of everyone. Songs that used to make me cry but have recently been okay to listen to now have me tearing up again. There have been two days this week where I just broke down crying over Isabella and nothing even triggered it.

I am sure part of it is her upcoming 8 month birthday. I usually get a little down a few days before it. I am sure some of it is being hormonal from the pregnancy. But it just seems like it is worse than if it was only those two thing causing it.

I also seem to be having more fears recently, and not the ones where I worry that the baby isn't going to be healthy. I worry that Isabella is going to think we are replacing her. I worry that people are going to forget about her and stop talking about her because there is a new baby. I worry that I am not going to be able to tell this new baby about her wonderful brave older sister that he/she will meet in Heaven one day. I worry about that one because as the days pass I notice there is more and more that I seem to be forgetting or is harder to remember about the day Isabella was born.

I worry that if this baby is a girl that it will somehow be harder than if it is a boy. Then I feel guilty for thinking that because all that really matters is that he or she is healthy. I am just scared that if it is a girl that somehow I will resent her for not being Isabella. I have read that other parents have felt that way and I don't think that will be me but I can't help but worry about it. I worry that everytime I have to buy girl things I will be reminded that I wasn't able to do that with Isabella. There are just so many things going through my mind that I know are stupid and don't make much sense but can't seem to stop thinking them.

I am hoping that once my hormones ease up a bit things will get easier. I have always been an emotional person and with all my other pregnancies it gets worse, lol. I guess this time with still going through the grieving process it is just making things a bit more emotional and difficult for me.

Friday, September 24, 2010


I never realized how much guilt goes along with grieving. When I lost my dad I didn't have much guilt, I was more mad at him for not making me spend more time with him when I was a kid than I was mad at myself. When we lost relatives in Dwayne's family I never felt much guilt over anything. So now all this guilt I am feeling over Isabella is a new thing.

First I still feel guilty for agreeing to induce at 33 weeks. I still feel like I chose myself over her. Yes I was having a hard time breathing and my asthma was acting up because of the extra fluid but I am sure I could have held off a few weeks more. She could have stayed alive inside of me for longer. I tell myself that she might not have even been born alive if I had waited, I tell myself there could have been more complications due to the extra fluid if I had waited, but none of that seems to help.

I feel guilty for not keeping her in the room with me longer. I don't even know exactly how long we kept her in the room. If I had to guess I would say an hour. Dwayne and the kids were leaving to go get lunch and I was just so tired from being up all night that I wanted a nap while they were gone. I knew they needed to take Isabella to weigh her and all that stuff so I let them take her while I tried to sleep. I had planned on having them bring her back after they were done but for some reason still unknown to me I didn't. I think I thought maybe it would be harder on the kids because of course her body was changing. I did have them bring her back hours later when Dwayne and the kids were leaving so they could say goodbye to her and see her one last time. I kept her in the room with me for a couple hours after they left but it just doesn't seem like it was long enough. I mean I know it wasn't her it was just her body but I wish I had spent more time with her while I could.

I feel guilty because I feel like I didn't talk to her enough when I was pregnant with her. I feel like we should have made more memories with her while I was pregnant. That was the only time we had with her and I feel like we didn't take enough advantage of it.

The biggest thing I feel guilty about is I never kissed her. I don't know why. It didn't hit me until a couple days after being home from the hospital and I broke down crying when it did. I kissed my fingers and touched her face with them but I never actually kissed her. I never gave my daughter a kiss. I feel so guilty over that. I will never know how her skin would have felt against my lips.

I know a lot of the guilt is not rational or logical. I can sit here and argue with myself about it and have argued with Dwayne about it going back and forth with it. But none of that seems to ease the guilt, nothing seems to take it away or make me feel any better about it. Even almost 8 months later the guilt is still just as fresh as the first day I felt it. While everything else with the grieving process has gotten better the guilt is just as strong, not getting any better or any easier.

Monday, September 13, 2010


When most women get pregnant all they think about is holding the baby, loving on the baby, picking out all the cute baby stuff and picking out names they like. For me it was always that way too. But this pregnancy is different. All I can think about is did the neural tube close and is everything growing like it is supposed to? Am I going to get to bring my baby home this time? Will I be able to watch her/him grow up? I have been trying not to stress to much about it because I know whatever happens is God's will, but it is hard to not think about it.

I also find myself comparing this pregnancy to Isabella's way more than what is normal. When I was pregnant with her it took forever to actually feel like I was pregnant. It was like subconsciencely I knew there was something wrong so I didn't allow myself to get attached right away. I find that happening with this pregnancy too. I also notice that like Isabella I am completely drained of energy and don't have much morning sickness. Since my other pregnancies before Isabella weren't like this I can't help but wonder if they are signs that something is wrong again. I mean I know that is not very logical but I can't seem to stop.

I am so worried that because I am so scared something could be wrong I am not allowing myself to get excited and bond with the baby as much as I can while I am pregnant. I am worried that if she/he is healthy and lives that I might somehow be withdrawn from her/him and not bond properly after they are born. I hate that I am already kind of distancing myself from the baby just incase something is wrong. I know that if something is wrong that doing this won't make it any easier, so there is no real purpose of this, but I can't seem to stop doing this too.

Everything has just been to good to be true. I mean I got pregnant the first month we kind of really tried, I haven't had much morning sickness, besides the being tired I don't even feel pregnant. It has all gone to easy, to smoothly that something has to be wrong, right?

I wish I could be like the other expecting moms. I wish everything was sunshine and rainbows instead of clouds and rain. I am envious and jealous of them, I wish I was still that naive and innocent about pregnancy and what can happen to your baby. I wouldn't trade Isabella for anything but it would be nice to just enjoy this pregnancy, even for just a day. Maybe as time goes and I start getting reassured with the bloodwork and sonograms things will get easier. Until then I guess I just have to keep trying to fight this stress and fears.