Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Thanksgiving and 10 months

First off I would like to apologize for neglecting this blog and not reading other blogs. I was kind of scared to sign into it, afraid to write or read something that would upset me. Things have been going good the past couple weeks and sometimes when I write or read another blog it brings up those sad emotions, and well I wasn't up to facing them. I guess I wanted to go pretending that everything was okay, that life was "normal" again. I should have had more faith in Jesus and known that nothing could break this new "normal" feeling he has brought into my life, I should have known that it wasn't mans doing but something stronger that has brought me to this better place in the grieving process.

So our 1st Thanksgiving without Isabella went better than I thought. Instead of being down about her not being there I made myself be thankful for the blessing she brought into our lives. So thankfully no tears were shed, not much saddness intervered with the day. Even though she was only in my tummy for 33 weeks and only alive for 3 minutes outside of the womb she changed my life in so many ways, she gave me so many things to be thankful for. I will ALWAYS be thankful to the Lord for blessing me and making me her mother, for allowing her to come into our lives and teaching us so many things. I am thankful to the Lord for giving me the strength and wisdom to see these things and be thankful instead of bitter, especially on such a special day.

Today is the 10 month anniversary of Isabella's birth and death. Also today I feel a new sense of strength, a new sense of peace on this journey. While yes of course I am a bit sad, and will always be, I can't help but smile as I think about my precious daughter. Instead of thinking of everything I am missing out on I am thinking of the day we will be together again, I am thinking of the memories we did make with her and smiling and praising Jesus for our time with her. I am thanking God for answering our prayers and having her born alive and allowing us those wonderful, magnificent truely magical 33 weeks and 3 minutes we had with her!

I pray that this new peace and strength will continue during these next months as we celebrate Christmas and her 1st birthday. I pray that with this new strength I will continue to celebrate her life and carry on her memory.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

The Holiday's

I can't believe it is already that time of year! So crazy how as we get older the years fly by faster. I have always found it odd that the holiday's never really got me down. With me suffering from depression that isn't a normal thing, then add the loss of my father shortly before the holidays into it and still they didn't get me down, they would cheer me up. Most people, especially those with depression get some sort of holiday blues, I never did. Heck even during my husbands deployments I didn't get that down. I worry though this year will be different.

I am already dreading Thanksgiving. I should be out buying Isabella a cute thanksgiving dress and the cute 1st Thanksgiving outfits. I should be looking forward to seeing her reactions to tasting all the new exciting foods. Should be looking forward to the mess she would make with those foods, lol. Instead my arms will be empty, there will be no cute outfits, no messy baby to clean up, no laughing and smiling at her reactions to everything. Instead there will be emptiness and hurt, that of course will be hidden to everyone. There will be smiles and laughter but there will be sadness behind them.

So we will make it through Thanksgiving and then bam Christmas is everywhere. No 1st Christmas outfits, no cute dress and no cute 1st Christmas pictures. No baby toys wrapped and put under the tree. No watching that 1st Christmas reaction to all the decorations, lights and presents. No little hands pulling down all the ornaments and messing up all the Christmas decorations. Then I wonder do we hang a stocking for her? I know Santa can't leave anything in it for her but to not hang one is like saying she isn't our daughter, that she didn't exist. Wesley isn't here for Christmas but we still hang a stocking for him. I want to hang one for her, but how sad will it make me to see it hanging there empty Christmas morning? It already hurts to see Wesley's there like that so I know it would kill me to see hers. Do I sign her name on the Christmas card with the other kids or again do I pretend she was never born and that she isn't our daughter???

Even though I know it will be hard we will make it through Christmas, and again it will be a happy day but with sadness right under the surface. Then onto New Years and all the 1st we will miss out with her. Then it will be her birthday, her 1st birthday. Even though we will have a party for her it will not be the same.

So yeah the next few months are going to be hard, very hard. It is looking like it is time to bring that mask back out. That mask that shows the world we are doing great when really inside we have days where we are dying. That mask that strangers see and have no idea of the hurt and pain we have been through and are still going through. That mask that has become my biggest accessory the past year, the mask that I keep thinking I am finally able to get rid of only to grab it back and put it back on.

So while all of you are enjoying your holidays and watching your kids enjoy it, please remember there are some of us that don't get to enjoy it with all of our babies, please take a moment to say a silent prayer, or whatever it is your belief does, for those families that will be missing out and hurting this holiday season. Please if you know anyone who has lost a baby please do something to acknowledge that baby for the family, that would be the best Christmas present you could ever get them. Let them know you are thinking of them and their baby. Don't be afraid you will "hurt" them by acknowledging the baby, because really by not mentioning the baby you are hurting them more than you will ever know.

Friday, November 5, 2010


* I didn't write this a fellow BLM posted it on her blog and she found it on a babyloss site.

Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in your family's life.

Normal is feeling like you can't sit another minute without getting up and screaming, because you just don't like to sit through anything.

Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand what if's & why didn't I's go through your head constantly.

Normal is reliving that day continuously through your eyes and mind, holding your head to make it go away.

Normal is staring at every baby who looks like he is my baby's age. And then thinking of the age they would be now and not being able to imagine it. Then wondering why it is even important to imagine it, because it will never happen.

Normal is every happy event in my life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind, because of the hole in my heart.

Normal is telling the story of your child's death as if it were an everyday, commonplace activity, and then seeing the horror in someone's eyes at how awful it sounds. And yet realizing it has become a part of my "normal".

Normal is having some people afraid to mention my baby.

Normal is making sure that others remember them.

Normal is that everyone else goes on with their lives, but we continue to grieve our loss forever.

Normal is weeks, months, and years after the initial shock, the grieving gets worse sometimes, not better.

Normal is not listening to people compare anything in their life to this loss, unless they too have lost a child. NOTHING. Even if your child is in the remotest part of the earth away from you - it doesn't compare. Losing a parent is horrible, but having to bury your own child is unnatural.

Normal is realizing I do cry everyday.

Normal is a new friendship with another grieving mother, talking and crying together over our children and our new lives.

Normal is not listening to people make excuses for God. "God may have done this because..." I love God, I know that my baby is in heaven, but hearing people trying to think up excuses as to why healthy babies were taken from this earth is not appreciated and makes absolutely no sense to this grieving mother.

Normal is being too tired to care if you paid the bills, cleaned the house, did laundry or if there is any food.

Normal is wondering this time whether you are going to say you have a child, because you will never see this person again and it is not worth explaining that my baby is in heaven. And yet when you say you have no children to avoid that problem, you feel horrible as if you have betrayed your baby.

Normal is knowing I will never get over this loss, in a day or a million years.

And last of all, Normal is hiding all the things that have become "normal" for you to feel, so that everyone around you will think that you are "normal".

Thursday, November 4, 2010

One year ago...

So I waited a couple days to post this blog, wanted to make sure my emotions were under control, lol. On the 2nd was the one year anniversary of finding out Isabella's diagnosis. I knew the day would be hard but didn't realize how hard it would be. I kept reliving that day over and over in my head and the days that followed. I still wonder how I survived those days. I had to go to the appointment by myself since Dwayne was deployed. I have no idea how I managed that hour drive home in the condition I was in. I still remember walking into that empty house and just crying, trying to figure out what I was going to tell the kids when I picked them up from daycare. I still remember how hard it was not having Dwayne to talk to. The phone lines were down where he was at so until he got the redcross message two days later he had no idea what was going on. Even then they had to drive him somewhere else to call me. I still remember trying to tell him over the phone what was going on, the redcross message made it sound like I had a miscarriage. I remember hearing his voice and longing to have his arms around me while I was telling him. I remember those 4 lonely days until he was home. My emotions during those days were like a roller coaster. I would just start crying and wouldn't be able to stop.

I can still close my eyes and see the excitment on Katie's face when I was picking her up at daycare. She knew we would find out if it was a boy or girl and she was so excited to find out, I also remember the heartbreak on her face when we got home and I had to tell her the baby was sick and would go to Heaven and not come home with us. I remember how hard it was to keep my emotions under control trying to answer all her questions she had about it.

And I remember my wonderful cousin Melissa and my two great friends Renee and Lisa all keeping me somewhat sane until Dwayne got home. None of them lived around me so I was constantly online chatting or on the phone chatting with them. I will never forget how you all were there for me during that time, you are all true blessings in my life!

But what I remember most about that day is feeling Isabella move for the first time. While I was at the doctors office I mentioned I hadn't felt her move, he said that was normal with babies with anencephaly. On the ride home I felt her move and she didn't stop! It was like she was saying Mommy I am in here, I am your baby and I love you! Feeling her move really made me realize she wasn't a "fetus" to be taken care of, she was a baby. She was my daughter who I loved and would love and take care of as long as God allowed me to. Even though at the time I hadn't relized it but that first kick made up my mind for me about what I wanted to do, which was carry her to term, if I medically could.

It is crazy how just one day can change your life so dramtically. I will forever be thankful to God for blessing us with Isabella, for choosing me to carry that angel and help deliever her into Jesus' arms. Of course I will always have a piece of my heart missing, and will always miss her but I don't regret at all being her mother. I can not imagine our lives without her.