Untitled

I saw this poem posted on Facebook this morning from I Am Mother To An Angel and I felt the need to share it.

Hello old friend,
Oh yes you know
I lost my child not long ago.
No, no please
Don’t look away
And change the subject
It’s ok.
You see at first I couldn’t feel,
It took so long, but now it’s real.
I hurt so much inside you see
If I need to talk,
Come sit with me?
You see, I was numb for so very long,
And people say, “My, she is so strong.”
They did not know I couldn’t feel,
My broken heart made all unreal.
But then one day, as I awoke
I clutched my chest, began to choke,
Such a scream, such a wail,
Broke from me..
My child! My child!
The horror of reality.
But everyone has moved on, you see,
everyone except for me.
Now, when I need friends most of all,
Between us there now stands a wall.
My pain is more than they can bear,
When I mention my child,
I see their blank stare.
“But I thought you were over it,”
Their eyes seem to say--
No, no, I can’t listen to this, not today.
So I smile and pretend, and say, “Oh, I’m ok”.
But inside I am crying, as I turn away.
And so my old friend, I shall paint on a smile,
As I have from the start,
You never knowing all the while, 
All I’ve just said to you in my heart.

I Will Carry You

Even years later when I hear this song it makes me think of you. It brings tears of happiness and sadness to my eyes. I will never get tired of hearing songs that remind me of you! *Remember to pause the player on the bottom of the page if you want to listen to the song.

For those of you that haven't read this book yet, I Will Carry You: The Sacred Dance of Grief and Joy, I highly recommend it. It is a great read even for those of you who haven't lost a baby.

I will carry you All my life And I will praise the One Who’s chosen me To carry you

Did you just get the diagnosis?

I see that a lot of people come to my blog by searching for Anencephaly. I also see a lot of people coming to my blog from other blogs about Anencepahly and see them going to read the other blogs on my list about Anencepahly. It makes me wonder if these people recently got an Anencephaly Diagnosis or know someone who did.

I know when I first got it one of the first things I did was search online. I wanted to find out what other people did. I wanted to learn all I could about it. I wanted to not feel so alone. Some of those blog listed on the right side of my page I read shortly after I found out about Isabella, before I knew that eventually I would "meet" these wonderful people through online groups, other Anen moms, etc.

So if you are coming to my blog shortly after getting this diagnosis, please know you are NOT alone. I am here for you. You can contact me through my facebook page, link on the right side of the blog. You can e-mail me at junnebug97@gmail.com. I am here for you. I will answer whatever questions you have, I will just listen to what you have to say, I can point you in the direction of online support groups and websites with information. I know when you google Anencephaly you can see some scary things but there are good websites out there too. Whatever it is you may need I will try to help you. I remember how those first few days, weeks, months were. And being able to talk to others who went through or were going through the same thing really helped me. I continue to keep in touch with those ladies because even years later it is hard and they understand.

You may feel like you are lost and you are alone. But you aren't. There are many of us out there, many wonderful people who would love to know you, know your baby. They would love to be there for you and help you on this journey. If you do not feel comfortable contacting me or any of the other blogs you have read there are some wonderful facebook groups that can help you. You can join and not talk to anyone if you don't feel up to it. Sometimes just reading what other people write, knowing that they are feeling the same way can help.

During my last couple weeks of pregnancy I found this wonderful site, http://www.anencephalie-info.org/e/stories.php. It really helped to read this stories. Know I did sit there and cry my eyes when I was reading them. Some out of sadness, some out of joy, and some from just being a pregnant hormonal mess, lol. But it felt good to read those, felt like I wasn't alone.

As much as our friends and loved ones want to be there for us, sometimes we need more. Sometimes we need to hear from others who have been where we are. So please do not be afraid to reach out to me or someone else who understands what you are going through. Remember you do not need to go through this alone.

Magnets???

First let me start off by saying I am in no way getting paid for this blog post. I was however contacted by http://www.magnetsonthecheap.com/ , also affiliated with http://www.signsonthecheap.com/ and http://www.bannersonthecheap.com/, with an offer for free magnets :) At first I wasn't sure. I mean did I really want a magnet with my blog info on my van for the world to see?? Then it hit me, this is a way I can help spread the word on Anencephaly and Folic Acid Awareness! And a way to keep my baby girls memory alive and do good in her name! I decided it wasn't much different than decals people get and this way if we get a new vehicle we could transfer it.

So right away I went to make my custom magnet. Now many years ago I did play around with Paint Shop Pro so it was a breeze for me to make this, but I really do believe that anyone could easily make their own. If you aren't up to making you own they have templates to choose from too! They also have a few different sizes to choose from. I picked the smallest one, 9x12.  Since you can make your own custom magnet there are endless possibilities on what you can use them for!

We have been driving around since Friday with them on the van and have had no issues. They stay put, besides when my kids feel the need to move them around :) I love to see people looking at them when we are at a light or in the parking lot. If just one of them goes to the blog and learns about Anencephaly I will be happy.

So thank you to the people at http://www.magnetsonthecheap.com/, I LOVE my magnets :)

Over You

The first time I heard this song I thought of you. And every time afterwards I think of you. It drew me right in when in the first line it mentions snow. Every time it comes on while we are driving I turn it way up and sing at the top of my lungs to you. Luckily people in the other vehicles can't hear me :) But I hope you can. To listen to it you will need to scroll down and pause the music player at the bottom, that is unless you like listening to two songs at the same time

International Bereaved Mother's Day

Today is International Bereaved Mother's Day. It is a day to honor and remember those of us who have lost a baby or child. Every loss is hard, it is never easy to say goodbye to someone you love. But there is nothing like losing your child. As much as we hate it we expect our older loved ones to go before us, we know eventually we will have to say goodbye to them. You never expect to have to do that with your own child. They are supposed to outlive us.

Our hearts will never fully heal. There will always be a touch of sadness we can't get rid of. On days like today I hope that we can celebrate the lives of our wonderful children instead of dwelling on that sadness. Today we celebrate that we did have a child, that we are still their mother! As much as society would like us to forget or move on, we know that isn't possible, and it shouldn't be. No matter when you lost your child you were and are still their mother. No matter how much time you had with them before they went to Heaven you still loved them, still cherished them. They are still our babies. We will always be their mother.

So today we should all celebrate these wonderful moms and celebrate their special babies. Today we honor them and show them that we haven't forgotten. To all my baby loss moms out there, today I am thinking of you and your angels. I am celebrating their life along with Isabella's. I hope everyone will join me in this and show these wonderful Mother's that we love them and their babies and that we celebrate them! If you know someone who has lost a baby or child let them know you haven't forgotten. You have no way of knowing how much that would mean to them. I can't put in to words how wonderful that feels!

Missing You

It has been 795 days  or 113 weeks or 19,080 hours or 1,114,800 minutes or 68,688,000 seconds since I last held you in my arms. No matter how you look at it it has felt like forever, but at the same time feels just like yesterday. I know I don't come on here and write often anymore. I think it is part of my coping mechanism. When I write to you or write in the blog all my emotions come to the surface. I feel horrible not writing more often, but I am just not sure I could handle it all the time either. It does not in any way mean I don't think about you or miss you or love you. It just means Mommy isn't as strong as she would like to be. Hopefully one day I will get there.

There is a show on TV here called Private Practice, and right now one of the characters is pregnant with a baby with Anencephaly. Last night I watched it and afterwards all I could do was think about you. All those emotions I try to keep stuffed down came bubbling up to the surface. I know it isn't healthy to keep them hidden away but I don't know any other way to deal with them. Because of them all coming up last night it felt like it was just yesterday you left us. Everything felt so new and so raw. No matter how much I try to pretend I am okay, I know I am not. No matter how much I try to pretend I have "moved on", I know I haven't. I don't think you can ever move on from something like this. I am just trying to learn to live with it.

 I was so excited when I learned I was pregnant with you. Right away I knew you were a girl. I would sit and day dream about what you would look like, what type of personality you would have. And now I do that too. But instead I sit and day dream about what you are like in Heaven. Do you grow up there or do you stay a baby? Do you know your loved ones or are you all strangers? I like to think that you are still a baby, that when I get to see you again I will be able to hold you in my arms again. I like to think that you are with your grandfather and that he is spoiling you like crazy. If you are with him then you know he never got to meet any of his grandchildren and I know what a wonderful grandfather he would have been. So it comforts me to think that you are with him.

 Recently your little sister had her first birthday. I couldn't help but think that we never got to have a first birthday with you. Every time she hits a milestone I can't help but think we didn't get to do that with you. Don't get me wrong, we LOVE your little sister and are so very happy to celebrate her and her milestones. There will always be a part of my heart that is sad I didn't get to do this stuff with you. But I can be sad and happy at the same time.

 My baby girl I just miss you so much. I look at your pictures we have up around the house everyday and wish you were her. I wish I could watch you grow up. I have so many wishes that I know will never come true. I know I have said this before and I am sure I will say it again, I just hope you know how much we wanted you and how much we love you. How you can never be replaced. How until the day we are with you again we will be missing you.