Second night in a row and I can't sleep. Figured I would come here and ramble away :)
So hard to believe that almost a month ago was 4 years since I held her in my arms. So hard to imagine what life would be like if she was here. I picture her as a four year old running around getting into everything and so curious and learning about the world around her. She would be going to preschool this year. She would be the same age Katie was when I was pregnant with her. That is just so hard for my mind to grasp. It really couldn't have been that long ago! For her birthday we released pink balloons from the top of South Mountain and had cake like we always do. We also donated to a non-profit in her name this year. Her birthday usually isn't a sad day for me like D-day is. Her birthday is about celebrating her life. It was a good day. It was the first real happy day in a long time. She gave me a gift that day too, she opened my eyes and showed me it was time for some changes.
Sometimes it feels like yesterday she was born and sometimes it feels like a life time ago. I realized recently I sill not only mourn the loss of our daughter but our life before her death. When I got pregnant with Isabella it was during some of the happiest times in our lives. Dwayne had reenlisted in the Army, financially we were finally getting ahead. We had lots of family fun that year and it was just all around a very happy time in our life. Finding out we were going to be having another baby just made that year even better. Even though Dwayne would be leaving for his 3rd deployment to Iraq life was good.
After she was born I was intent on continuing to be happy and having a good life and trying to make her proud. Trying to show her we learned something from her, how precious life was and to enjoy every second of it. And I did, for awhile anyways. While we were living in Kansas for the most part life continued on good. At the time we thought a move would be good. I know we were worried about the repercussions from Dwayne's unit for the "trouble" we had caused with all this and for him not redeploying. That is the main reason we wanted to move. Sometimes I wonder if things would have worked out better if he had just requested to change units. I read AFTER we moved that you shouldn't make any big decisions, like moving, until at least a year after the loss. Oops!
I am not saying everything has been bad since then, but it does seem like sometimes a dark cloud likes to hang over us. I mean we made some GREAT memories in Virginia. It was good being around Dwayne's family and I made some great friends there but it just never felt right. It never felt like home. In Kansas it did, even when we lived in Georgia it did. It seemed like both Dwayne and I suffered from some bouts of depression quite often in Virginia.
Before the move to VA his Army career was going good. He was losing weight and staying in shape and really enjoyed his job. We move to VA and he is unhappy and his depression and just dislike of his job pretty much made him give up on keeping in shape and staying in the Army.
I think back to our life before the move and the kids were so happy. I mean don't get me wrong they had plenty of happy times in VA and they had some great friends there too, but it seems like after the move is when Katie's ODD/Bi-Polar really started to show and Jonathan's always happy self starting being easily upset and he starting becoming very negative about everything.
I do think that our depression bouts probably didn't help their moods any, and of course Katie getting old did have something to do with her ODD and Bi-Polar getting worse. But it just seems like when I think of our time in Kansas compared to Virginia they were so much happier before the move.
I was looking back at pictures on facebook tonight and I could just see so much happiness in my face in Kansas. And I also saw a much healthier version of myself. I gained soooooooo much weight in Virginia, which again I am sure had to do with the depression. I gave up on myself and my health, something I was very serious about before we moved.
We all like to pretend we are the perfect parents and have the perfect lives so it is hard for me to admit most of this one here. Hard to admit that I am sure I wasn't the best mom I could be those years in VA. I did the best I could at the time, that is all anyone can do.
I guess I am admitting all this because I am ready for it change. I am ready to go back to the happy healthy people we were. We have started a program called 21 day fix to jump start this part of our lives. When we first started I noticed that I was thinking more often of Isabella than I had in the recent past. I think it is because these feelings of wanting to better myself are bringing up the memories of those months after her death. I am starting to feel that same way again. I am hoping it is a good sign that life is getting back to how it should be.
Maybe this move to AZ was the right choice after all. It seems we have always been happier away from VA. I was doubting that we made the right decision for awhile to move here. But I just have a feeling that things are going to fall into place. I have a feeling that good things are coming. I know there will still be hard days and I know I will fight this battle with depression for the rest of my life. But I also know from the past that when I am healthy I am happier and the depression is much easier to fight. I feel like that black cloud that has been following us around is starting to go away. Everyday I am going to wake up and make the choice to better myself, a better me means I am a better mom and wife.
Sorry if I jumped around or none of this makes any sense to anyone but me. It is 2am here and I am going on only 4 hours of sleep. For the first time in years I am looking forward to tomorrow and all the tomorrows to follow. I have goals, I have happiness, I have a REAL smile on my face! Life is good again and I know my baby girl is smiling down on us. Happy that we are on the right track again.
Isabella I am sorry we lost our way but we are finding our way back again and I am going to make you proud to have me as a mom, I love you!