It's D Time...Again..

I have had a few people ask me what D Day is. In the baby loss
community it is the day you are told about the fatal diagnosis, so it is short for diagnosis day. For me though there is more than just one day. For me it is a time period of over a month, with the actual D Day being near the end of that month. I call I D Time instead of D Day.

For me the Anniversary of D-Day and the weeks before and after are harder on me than her birth/death day. For me her birthday is about celebrating her life, while of course there is a bit of sadness, it is more about being happy and celebrating the time we had with her. However D Day is the complete opposite. Imagine her birth/death day as all smiles, sunshine and rainbows, then D Day is all cloudy, rainy, and thunderstorms. D Day is the day your world is turned upside down. D Day is the day that will change your life forever. D Day is the day all your dreams get crushed to the ground. D Day is literally the worst day of your life.

As I mentioned for me D Day is more than just one day. It starts a month before when we got the positive results for an NTD on the 16 week blood work. Then the actual D Day on the 2nd of November, then 2 days later when I finally got to talk to my husband and let him know what was going on, then 3 days later when he finally got home. Now it could continue on through all the fighting we did with the Army to get him allowed to stay until the birth, then again after her birth when they wanted to deploy him right away and even on as we fought for a compassionate reassignment. But I am not that crazy, yet. No, I am usually good until about a week before Halloween, then I am usually good again a few days after the 2nd. Though during all those other times it is still on my mind, just doesn't get me quite as down.

For those of you saying, "but I will have been 5 years this year aren't you over it yet?" To you few heartless people I say just shut up and I am happy you have never been in this position. Until you have had your heartbroken with the words incompatible with life you have no right to say anything. Yes I still get sad, yes I still sometimes cry when I think of the memories of those days, yes I still get angry sometimes. And you know what, it is okay! I am not as bad as I was 4 years ago, and I may or may not be better 4 years from now, it doesn't matter. I will grieve the loss of my daughter, all the dreams we had for her, for all the days of my life here on earth, and some days it will just be harder than others.

Every year during this time the memories come flooding back. I was alone at the time of diagnosis and for days after and it always feels like I am alone every year during this time, even though Dwayne and the kids are with me. I feel like people think I am crazy for still being upset. I am just so thankful for those in the baby loss community who understand and my few non baby loss friends who don't judge me and are there for me and remind me I am not crazy and I am not alone.

For some reason this year this one memory keeps coming back to me over and over again. I was at the childcare place picking up Katie after my hour log drive, alone, back from the specialist. Probably took much longer than an hour that day with the tears flowing and phone calls I was getting. Anyways clear as if it was yesterday I see her in her pink sweat suit outfit running towards me as I walk in her rooms door with a HUGE smile on her face asking me if its a girl or boy, she was hoping for a baby sister! I had to put the biggest fake smile on my face, hold back the tears like I have never before and tell her she was going to have a baby sister. I haven't thought about this part of the day very often in the past. Usually I think about a few hours after that when I sat her and Jonathan down and told them their baby sister would be going to Heaven after she was born.

I have no idea why this memory keeps coming to me this year, am I supposed to be learning something from it? Am I supposed to be remembering something about it that maybe I have forgotten? I don't know, hopefully I can figure it out soon.

I apologize if this is all over the place or if it makes no sense, that is kind of how my life and mind are right now so I wouldn't be surprised if this was the same way.

To my baby girl Isabella, I love you and am so thankful to be your mother. I will take these sad hard days every year and embrace them because those hard days brought me closer to you, these days 5 years ago bonded us in a way that words can't describe. As I am bombarded with these sad memories, mostly my own selfish ones, I am also remembering the happy ones and they bring me a smile while the tears are falling. I know you send those my way to remind me you are with me, just like you did that day driving home when I felt you move for the first time. You are always with me baby girl. I love you!


 I have really felt him by my side this year, helping me get through and reminding me all the good that was done during our time with Isabella. Even though I am sad, and there are days I am angry, he understands, and I will continue to praise him while the tears are falling.

Psalm 34:18  “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”

Fourth Birthday and More

Second night in a row and I can't sleep. Figured I would come here and ramble away :)

So hard to believe that almost a month ago was 4 years since I held her in my arms. So hard to imagine what life would be like if she was here. I picture her as a four year old running around getting into everything and so curious and learning about the world around her. She would be going to preschool this year. She would be the same age Katie was when I was pregnant with her. That is just so hard for my mind to grasp. It really couldn't have been that long ago! For her birthday we released pink balloons from the top of South Mountain and had cake like we always do. We also donated to a non-profit in her name this year. Her birthday usually isn't a sad day for me like D-day is. Her birthday is about celebrating her life. It was a good day. It was the first real happy day in a long time. She gave me a gift that day too, she opened my eyes and showed me it was time for some changes.

Sometimes it feels like yesterday she was born and sometimes it feels like a life time ago. I realized recently I sill not only mourn the loss of our daughter but our life before her death. When I got pregnant with Isabella it was during some of the happiest times in our lives. Dwayne had reenlisted in the Army, financially we were finally getting ahead. We had lots of family fun that year and it was just all around a very happy time in our life. Finding out we were going to be having another baby just made that year even better. Even though Dwayne would be leaving for his 3rd deployment to Iraq life was good.

After she was born I was intent on continuing to be happy and having a good life and trying to make her proud. Trying to show her we learned something from her, how precious life was and to enjoy every second of it. And I did, for awhile anyways. While we were living in Kansas for the most part life continued on good. At the time we thought a move would be good. I know we were worried about the repercussions from Dwayne's unit for the "trouble" we had caused with all this and for him not redeploying. That is the main reason we wanted to move. Sometimes I wonder if things would have worked out better if he had just requested to change units. I read AFTER we moved that you shouldn't make any big decisions, like moving, until at least a year after the loss. Oops!

I am not saying everything has been bad since then, but it does seem like sometimes a dark cloud likes to hang over us. I mean we made some GREAT memories in Virginia. It was good being around Dwayne's family and I made some great friends there but it just never felt right. It never felt like home. In Kansas it did, even when we lived in Georgia it did. It seemed like both Dwayne and I suffered from some bouts of depression quite often in Virginia.

Before the move to VA his Army career was going good. He was losing weight and staying in shape and really enjoyed his job. We move to VA and he is unhappy and his depression and just dislike of his job pretty much made him give up on keeping in shape and staying in the Army.

I think back to our life before the move and the kids were so happy. I mean don't get me wrong they had plenty of happy times in VA and they had some great friends there too, but it seems like after the move is when Katie's ODD/Bi-Polar really started to show and Jonathan's always happy self starting being easily upset and he starting becoming very negative about everything.

I do think that our depression bouts probably didn't help their moods any, and of course Katie getting old did have something to do with her ODD and Bi-Polar getting worse. But it just seems like when I think of our time in Kansas compared to Virginia they were so much happier before the move.

I was looking back at pictures on facebook tonight and I could just see so much happiness in my face in Kansas. And I also saw a much healthier version of myself. I gained soooooooo much weight in Virginia, which again I am sure had to do with the depression. I gave up on myself and my health, something I was very serious about before we moved.

We all like to pretend we are the perfect parents and have the perfect lives so it is hard for me to admit most of this one here. Hard to admit that I am sure I wasn't the best mom I could be those years in VA. I did the best I could at the time, that is all anyone can do.

I guess I am admitting all this because I am ready for it change. I am ready to go back to the happy healthy people we were. We have started a program called 21 day fix to jump start this part of our lives. When we first started I noticed that I was thinking more often of Isabella than I had in the recent past. I think it is because these feelings of wanting to better myself are bringing up the memories of those months after her death. I am starting to feel that same way again. I am hoping it is a good sign that life is getting back to how it should be.

Maybe this move to AZ was the right choice after all. It seems we have always been happier away from VA. I was doubting that we made the right decision for awhile to move here. But I just have a feeling that things are going to fall into place. I have a feeling that good things are coming. I know there will still be hard days and I know I will fight this battle with depression for the rest of my life. But I also know from the past that when I am healthy I am happier and the depression is much easier to fight. I feel like that black cloud that has been following us around is starting to go away. Everyday I am going to wake up and make the choice to better myself, a better me means I am a better mom and wife.

Sorry if I jumped around or none of this makes any sense to anyone but me. It is 2am here and I am going on only 4 hours of sleep. For the first time in years I am looking forward to tomorrow and all the tomorrows to follow. I have goals, I have happiness, I have a REAL smile on my face! Life is good again and I know my baby girl is smiling down on us. Happy that we are on the right track again.

 Isabella I am sorry we lost our way but we are finding our way back again and I am going to make you proud to have me as a mom, I love you!

Options

One of the first things you have to do when you get  a fatal diagnosis for your baby is decide what you want to do.  I was lucky that I had doctors that told me about all my options, not everyone is. There are a few options for you to choose from, all of which seem scary and hard in different ways. It is not an easy choice at all, you not only have to think about yourself, but of the baby and if you are married or have living kids they must be taken into consideration as well.

Carrying to term used to be the most controversial one but in the past few years it is becoming more of the norm as more doctors are letting women know it is an option. Now of course this is more of an option for those people who will not have any serious medical issues with continuing the pregnancy. On that note I just want to say that if your doctor tells you it wouldn't be safe for you to continue on with the pregnancy or that there is a chance of serious side effects, or that your baby is suffering from it PLEASE do so research on that before you decide. I have heard stories of woman who are pregnant with a baby with anencephaly that had doctors tell them it wasn't safe when in fact the most serious side effect is the extra fluid which doesn't happen in every anencephalic pregnancy Many have also been told the baby is suffering which is also not true in most cases.

There is also the option of early induction. They will induce the labor and you will deliver the baby like normal. Both this option and carrying to term are the only choices for a chance for your baby being born alive, though in some cases like with anencephaly that is only about a 50% chance.

For some people insurance companies will not cover an early induction because it isn't medically necessary so they decide to go another route. I do not know the medical term for this so I will just describe it. It is where you take a pill or get an injection that stops the babies heart beat then the insurance will cover the early induction.

For carrying to term or an early induction if your baby is born alive after 20 weeks, the weeks may vary by state from what I have heard, you will get a birth certificate. If your baby doesn't survive the pregnancy, birth or your decide to go the 3rd way then you will get a stillbirth certificate. I know this may sound weird but those certificates mean a lot to the babyloss community. It reaffirms that our babies were here!

The last option is abortion. In cases like these even people who swore they would never get an abortion choose to go that route. There are laws in each state though that say how far along you can be to get one so you have to take that into consideration too. Usually most states allow for later abortions with a fatal diagnosis for the baby.

No matter what choice you make it will be hard. For carry to term you are constantly having to explain to people, if you don't explain while you are pregnant then you have to explain why you don't have the baby home with you. For some people this can be hard, especially at first, for others it can be used as a way to educate people on the defect or gives you a chance to talk about your baby which can be a comfort. If you are far enough along then you will have to go through some of that too no matter what choice you make. There are so many things to take into consideration. Do you want to hold your baby, do you want pictures to remember them by and to share with others, do you want the chance for them to be born alive and get some time with them,  there are many questions you have to as yourself.

If your life isn't in immediate danger then take some time to think about it, to pray about it, talk with your spouse or significant other about it. Until you feel sure about a choice don't make one.The fact that you are unsure means it might not be the right choice for you. You have to live with the choice for the rest of your life, you need to be comfortable with it. Four years later there are still days I feel guilty for my choice of inducing at 33 weeks because of extra fluid causing my asthma to act up. Most days I am okay with it but wish I had taken a little more time to think about it. And again please do research about it because some doctors are still back in the dark ages when it comes to some birth defects. You don't want to abort then come to find out the doctor lied or mislead you and you actually had other options. I know women in those shoes, they wish they had had google and all the other sites out there that technology gives now to research easier on our own. Most of them say they probably would have made a different choice.

No matter the choice you make don't let anyone make you feel bad for picking that. You have to do what is best for you and your family. No matter the choice we all grieve, we all have the heartache. We all end up at home at some point with a broken heart and empty arms.

What Medical Professionals Need To Know

So over the years I have mentioned how great my doctors and nurses were when I was pregnant, during the delivery and after. I have also mentioned that I hear horror stories on a daily basis about what others have gone through with their medical staff. So I want to take a moment to sit down and write down what I have seen and heard over the years that has helped families when it comes to the medical professionals we deal with during this time.

First I am going to start off with what mine did right.

1. Have and show compassion. I know most doctors are trained to think of these babies as a fetus but to us they are our blessings, our dreams come true, our life. They aren't just a fetus to us. We have already dreamed in our head the years ahead, the memories we will make. They have already filled a spot in our heart that no one can replace, we have already pictured what they will look like and how they will act. So think about that and show compassion when giving us the diagnosis or at a regular appointment. Look us in the eye, show us you care. I still to this day remember my doctor doing little things like putting his hand on mine, looking in my eyes and quietly asking us how we are doing, and actually meaning it, actually wanting an answer. I remember him waking me up the morning after her birth and the first thing I saw was his face filled with compassion and understanding. He gave me a soft smile, again placed his hand on my arm and and just nodded. It only takes a few seconds to show you care and it can make all the difference in the world. I got blessed in the fact that almost all of my doctors and nurses were like this with us.

2. Give ALL the options to the family and don't push your opinions of what they should do on them. Give them as much times as needed to figure out what they want to do. You can give them the facts, the good and bad about each options but don't scare them into not choosing one or the other. My specialist did tell me what he thought was best but he didn't pressure me into it and he didn't try to scare me into it either. When we chose not to do what he thought was best he said he understood it is our choice and said he would do whatever he could to help us.

3. Ask us what we want, what we need. I was so scared walking into labor and delivery the day of the induction, we were late because of that. But one of the first things the nurse asked me is what she could do for us. I told her don't treat us any different than a normal patient. Now of course in some ways she did, thankfully, but when it came to all the regular stuff she didn't. She talked and joked with us and helped us celebrate the birth of our baby like it was just a normal day in L&D. I seriously think she was an angel in disguise, but she denied it, lol.

4. Give us ultrasound pictures. I can't believe how many families have said they never received the ultrasound pictures of their baby. Just because our baby is going to die doesn't mean we love them any less, doesn't mean we don't want to keep those pictures to look back on later, doesn't mean we don't want to share them with our friends and family. In fact give them more than what you would give another patient. We don't get years of pictures to look back on like everyone else does.

5. Take pictures. We didn't have the chance to have Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep at the delivery so the nurses took pictures for us, they offered we didn't even have to ask. That way we got the time she was with us to enjoy with her, holding her, loving on her, just enjoying her presence instead of worrying about taking pictures. While I would have loved to have professional pictures done these are just as special, they really thought about what kind of pictures we would have liked to have. They are a reminder not only of our moments with Isabella but also of our thoughtful caring nurses that day. While we didn't get to leave the hospital with our baby we did get to leave a big stack of pictures of our beautiful baby girl.

6. Give us memento's. We brought in the stuff to make molds of Isabella's hands, the nurses were kind enough to do it for us. But unexpectedly they also made a little bracelet with beads that made out her name. They had a memory box that I am guessing people donated, they filled it with all her arm bands, a lock of her hair, they took prints of her hands and feet and put them on paper dollies for us. They put the blanket she was using and the clothes she wore in there. I love pulling that box out and looking at all her stuff.

Now there are a few things that I wish had been done. This is mostly stuff I thought of or saw others mention in the years after Isabella.

7. Do not make us wait in the same room with all the other pregnant woman and babies at our appointments. I spent every appointment in that waiting room crying waiting to get called back. It's hard being around pregnant women and babies. Hearing them complain about heartburn and other mundane things just makes up want to reach and slap them, to scream. How we only wish the normal pregnancy annoyances was the only thing wrong with our pregnancy. Seeing those babies with their moms at their 6 week check up is just a horrible reminder that we will not have our baby with us at that appointment. We don't need a separate waiting area to ourselves. Give us the option to sit in an empty patient room or anywhere you have available that isn't the waiting room.

8. When we are coming in for regular appointments let the nurses know the situation before we are called back. When the emotions are still so raw it isn't fun having to explain over and over again, especially when you are even more emotional than normal being stuck in the waiting room with all those pregnant woman and babies.

9. Find out if there is a local prenatal hospice or infant loss support group, if there is give us the information for it. I never even knew there was a such thing as a prenatal hospice until long after Isabella had passed. I also didn't know about the infant loss support group that met right in the hospital where I had her. It would have been nice to have had the chance to take advantage of these services, especially since we went through it all alone having no friends or family in the area. We are already so lost with getting the diagnosis and not thinking straight that we might not even think to look up those type of things while.

10. Make sure you know the process with the funeral home. Even though I knew it was just a body it still broke my heart that my Isabella was stuck, I don't know where since the hospital didn't have a morgue, for 3 days after we left because of issues with the hospital and funeral home, partly had to do with that the nurses didn't know what to do, they thought we would have it all set up. But the funeral home wouldn't let us set anything up until after she passed.

What it boils down to is treat us and our babies with the dignity and respect we deserve. Being told your baby has a fatal birth defect is harder than you will ever know, don't make the situation any harder on us than it has be. Show love and compassion and if you aren't able to do that recommend a doctor that can.

Before I go I just want to give a heartfelt thank you to the staff at Topeka Maternal Fetal Medicine and my nurse practitioner, doctor and the midwife and nurses that worked L&D at Irwin Army Community Hospital when we were there. They all made what was a very heartbreaking time for us a little bit easier.

Dreams

Over the past 3, almost 4 years, I have seen where other baby loss moms have had dreams or felt their little one visiting them. While I was happy for them it always left me feeling a little sad. I never had a dream about Isabella much less one where it felt like she came to me in a dream. While we have had pictures that had some amazing orbs in them I have never felt her around me or felt like she was sending me signs she was here with us.

I would tell myself that this is a good thing. That it meant she was ready to go to Heaven and had no business left here on Earth. That it meant she knew she was loved and felt comfortable leaving us to join her family and Jesus in Heaven. It is hard to tell myself that stuff because I am true believer in spirits visiting us from Heaven. I believe they can come to comfort us in times of need, to help guide us in the right directions in life and for many other reasons. I believe God sends them to us. My dad passed away in 1998 while I have never felt him around me he has visited me in my dreams many times. The dreams were always very life like. We would talk like we would when he was still here on Earth with me. He would give me advice or just be there for me during hard times. Again I felt that God sent him to speak to me in my dreams.

Well about a month ago I FINALLY had a dream about Isabella, and I truly believe she came to me in my dreams. She showed me she was healed and that she was surrounded by people that love her, that she is okay now. Actually, better than okay.  In my dream I got to hold her again, and finally hear her laugh and cry. In my dream we were surrounded by family, and not just the ones who have already passed but those still living. It was like a vision of when we are all together again in Heaven. I truly hope it was. It was such a peaceful and happy place, just how I envision Heaven to be.

This time of year is always hard for me. Between Halloween and her birthday in January are the hardest days. But for some reason this year has been worse than the past couple of years. I guess either her and God knew I needed her at this time. I needed to see her healed and happy. I needed to be reminded that one day I will be with her again, loving on her and holding her like I wish I could do in this lifetime. When I woke up that morning I could still feel the weight of her in my arms, I could still feel that pure joy and happiness I felt in the dream. I can't even put into words how I felt. So now a month later when I start feeling that sadness creep up I remember that dream, I close my eyes and go back to that place and am again comforted and happy.

So thank you to God and Isabella for that, it is a gift I will treasure forever. It is a safe happy place I can go to when this roller coaster of grief starts to get too hard to handle. And from now on I will not question why she isn't visiting me. I will trust God's judgment on when the time is right. And if she never visits me again that is okay, because I know one day that dream will come true and she will be in my arms again!

4 year anniversary of D Day

So on the 2nd of November was the 4th anniversary of  "D day". "D day" is what those of us unlucky enough to be in the baby loss club call Diagnosis Day, or the day we found out about our babies fatal birth defect. I don't want to go over the whole story again. I have typed it here over and over and you have all read it over and over. It was a heart wrenching day, a day that I will NEVER forget. It was the absolute worst day of my life

And every year a few days before Halloween I start feeling those emotions all over again. It seems that every year the anniversary of her birth and death get easier but D Day seems to hurt just as much every year. It also brings up the anger I am able to forget for the rest of the year. The anger I had towards certain people, the anger I had at the Army, the anger I had at God. So from around the 28th of October until around the 6th of November I not a happy person.

 This year was pretty hard compared to the past couple years. I am just so tired of going through this alone. But I started out on this path alone at the doctors that day I and guess I will have to continue it alone until I get to be with her again in Heaven.

I just hope one day this day won't be so hard. That I will be able to concentrate on the good things from that day. Like seeing her for the first time on ultrasound or feeling her move for the first time on the ride home. Those are things most parents get to be happy about. I wish I had been able to drive home from the doctor that day with a smile on my face from seeing her and feeling her instead of tears in my eyes knowing when I met her for the first time I would also have to say goodbye to her. There are so many things I wish I could change about that day. But I can't. This is now my life, a life I wouldn't wish on even my worst enemy. A life that while filled with joy if you look close enough you will still see a little bit of sadness in the background.

Even 4 years later I sit here with tears in my eyes thinking I just want my daughter, I want her here with me, healthy and happy.

Insomnia

Growing up I was always a night owl. But as I got older I needed my sleep, I loved to sleep is more like it, lol. But I have found that ever since I had Isabella I suffer badly from insomnia. At first I really hated it because it would remind me that I should be up taking care of a baby, not crying over the baby I lost. And as the years have gone by I still can't sleep. I am no longer up at night crying. I am not going to lie, usually I am up watching something on Netflix. The past few weeks it was X-files. Though I have finished all those seasons so time to find a new show :)

I don't know if I have just gotten in habit of staying up at night or if it still has something to do with the grieving process. I do know that I HATE it. And it isn't like I finally get so tired that one night I fall asleep at the right time and get back on a schedule. If I should happen to fall asleep at a normal time I wake up around 3-4 am, wide awake. When I don't go to sleep at a normal time then it is usually between 5-6 that I finally fall asleep. Most mornings I am still awake and able to give Dwayne a goodbye kiss before he goes off to PT around 6:00.

Lucky for me I have an amazing husband who comes back home after PT and puts the kids on the bus since usually by bus time I am passed out. And luckily Miss Hannah usually sleeps until around 10 so I can get a few hours of sleep. Though she does like to mess with Mommy sometimes and get up around 8, those mornings make for long days, lol.

I just wish I could figure out what is causing this so I could fix it. I will be so tired and want to sleep so bad that I can't. I will end up waking Dwayne up from crying because I am so upset that I can't fall asleep. I have tried every trick in the book besides prescription drugs. I will NOT take a sleeping pill. Dwayne is already a zombie at night from all his PTSD, anxiety, depression and ADD drugs that I am scared to take something too. What if something happens to the kids at night and neither of us are able to care for them or drive them to the hospital if needed. So minus prescription drugs I haven't found anything that will work. I have tried natural sleep meds, like melatonin and I have tried all the PM stuff from tylenol to advil even the generic version. So anyways if you have any suggestions please let me know because I am out of ideas.

Since Isabella's passing I have read a lot of things on grieving and I haven't come across where this is normal.  At first it is but almost 3 years later??? No I haven't found that yet, so if you are another BLM and have this problem please let me know, I would love to not feel so alone. And if you are another BLM and had this problem but were able to stop please let me know the secret, lol.

So now I am going to go lay back down and try yet again to go back to sleep. I have to be up early in the morning tomorrow and will need my energy for our fun day that we have planned. I pray that I will go lay down, close my eyes, and actually fall asleep.

Purpose

I would think it is pretty obvious but yet I feel the need to explain the purpose for this blog. Not only is it to help other people going through or who have gone through the same things it is also a therapeutic process for me.

Writing things down and getting them off my chest is one of the many ways I deal with stress and depression and other issues in life. I come on here type it all out, get it off my chest and usually am able to feel better and move on a bit from whatever was bothering me.

Part of that process is honesty. I am not going to lie or hold back on my blog. If you don't like it, don't read it. It is that simple. If something I say bothers you or offends you I am sorry but I am not going to stop. I am not going to sensor everything I write to make sure I don't upset anyone. How would that help me? Holding things in is never a good thing. I won't come on here and write stuff to purposely hurt people, but I can't help it if something I feel or say on here upsets someone.

I have always been the type of person that thinks you should never apologize for your feelings. You can apologize for how you handle them but you should never have to for feeling them. You can't handle how you feel, it isn't something you can control. You should respect other people's feelings even if you don't agree with them. This blog for me is a big way for me to get my feelings out. If you can not respect my feelings then  please stop reading my blog, again, it is that simple. If you do not like what I say there is this little x button at the top right of your screen, click on it. It will make it all go away :)

Quotes

For as long as I can remember I have loved to read quotes, whenever I am going through something I start looking up quotes. They seem to help me cope a little bit, I am not sure why. So I figured I would share the quotes that have helped me with Isabella.



Our joy's will be greater, our love will be deeper, our lives will be fuller, because we shared your moment.

Love Bear's All Things, Believes All Things, Hope's All Things, Endure's All Things, Love Never Ends.Corinthians 13:7-8

We could hold you in our hands, now we hold you in our hearts.

And we remember you with love in our hearts.

Thank you for the gift of you. You gave us hope by just being you! After the hurting and healing are through, we'll treasure most of all the gift of you.

There is no foot so small it cannot leave an imprint on this earth.

Sometimes love is a moment, sometimes love is a lifetime, sometimes a moment is a lifetime.

A life so brief, a child so small, you had the power to touch us all.

An angel with the book of life wrote down my baby's birth, and whispered as she closed the book, "too beautiful for earth".

A moment in our arms, a lifetime in our hearts.

Loved with a love beyond telling, missed with a grief beyond all tears.

Some people only dream of angels, we held one in our arms.

Each new life, no matter how fragile or brief, forever changes the world.

Softly the leaves of memory fall. Gently I gather and treasure them all. Unseen unheard you are always near, so missed, so loved, so very dear. No longer in our lives to share, but in our hearts you're always there.

How very softly you tiptoed into our world, Almost silently, only for a moment you stayed. But what an imprint your footprints left upon our hearts.

Each new life, no matter how brief, forever changes the world.

If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever.

Some say you're to painful to remember, I say you're to precious to forget.

Because someone we love is in Heaven, we feel Heaven in our home.

It has been said "time heals all wounds"...I do not agree. The wound remain. In time, the mind protecting it's sanity covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens, but it's never gone. -Rose Kennedy

I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart) I am never without it. E.E. Cummings

You may not be living here for all to see but in my heart you will be living forever, you will always be with me.

As long as I live you will live. As long as I  live you will be remembered. As long as I live you will be loved.

To remember is painful, to forget is impossible.

What we have once enjoyed and deeply loved we can never lose, for all that we love deeply becomes a part of us. Helen Keller

Dear Lord, I would have loved to have held my baby on my lap and tell her about you, but since I didn't get the chance, would you please hold her on your lap and tell her about me?

A life may last for just a moment, but memory can make that moment last forever.

Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born, I set you apart. Jeremiah 1:5

God saw you getting tired, a cure not meant to be. So he put his arms around you and whispered, "Come with me". With tearful eyes we watched you and saw you fade away, although we loved you dearly, we could not make you stay. A golden heart stopped beating, your tender hands at rest. God took you home to prove to us he only takes the best.

A thousand words can't bring you back, I know because I tried. And neither can a million tears, I know because I cried.

Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal.

I know I'll see the sun shine bright upon my babies face, When I finally get to Heaven all my pain will be erased. We'll soar the skies together, as angels two by two. We'll have a sweet reunion, this mother's dream come true!

Everyone grieves in different ways. For some, it could take longer or shorter. I do know it never disappears. An ember still smolders inside me. Most days, I don't notice it, but, out of the blue, it'll flare to life.

It broke my heart to lose you, but you didn't go alone. For part of me went with you, the day God took you home.



I know I have many many many many more that I have looked at over the years but right now I can barely keep my eyes open. If you have some that you would like to share please leave a comment with them.

D Day: 3rd Anniversary

I have been thinking for a couple days what I was going to write today. Should I go back over every minute of this day 3 years ago? Should I write where I am now in the grieving process? Should I just do a little about both?

And as I sit here alone, like I was 3 years ago on this day I still don't know what to write. I want to write about everything I remember from that day, the good and the bad. I think rewriting it all the time helps to keep in fresh in my mind, but at the same time it can also be so emotionally draining and I am sure people get tired of reading the same thing over and over again.

I want to write about where I am now because I don't want people to think I still sit around the house crying my eyes out all the time. I want them to understand it is a journey, a never ending one, with sad AND happy times.

So I am just going to start typing whatever comes to mind. Please excuse me if I make no sense and am jumping all over the place and I apologize in advance if this becomes a book instead of a blog post :)

I remember running late because the hourly care CDC had messed up my appointment and only booked a slot for Katie and not Jonathan. I remember freaking out because I had NO friends there that could watch Jonathan and the doctors office stressed NO kids. Maybe the receptionist could see on my face something to explain how bad this was because they found a way to squeeze him in. I don't remember much on my hour drive to the specialist in Topeka. Then again anyone that has driven that knows how BORING it is and how easy it can be to start day dreaming on that drive. I do remember being very worried about being pulled over since I was driving like a bat out of hell to make it there in time. And no I didn't make it in time but I was only about 15 minutes late, though most of that was spent trying to find the hospital since I had never been there before, lol.

I remember no one being at the desk when I went to sign in. I was worried if they didn't show up soon I would miss my appointment because you can only be but so late and they had no idea how long I had been waiting outside the little sign in office, lol.

I remember talking to the genetics counselor and her asking the same things the one in Savannah asked when I was pregnant with Katie, and like her she said she saw no reason from our family history that something could be wrong. She also said with how low the levels were with my blood test that the positive for an NTD was probably just from my dates being off or me being pregnant with twins.

I remember them then taking me into a waiting room with other people. I was surrounded by couples. I felt a mix of emotions in this room. I was so jealous that these other women had their husbands with them, I will now blame this on pregnancy hormones lol, and I wanted to cry because I had that mothers gut feeling that something was wrong and I wanted Dwayne with me.

I remember laying on the table with the ultrasound tech moving the thing around on my tummy looking at stuff on the screen, I was looking at the tv hung in front of the bed but even after my 3 previous babies unless it is on 3d I have no idea what I am looking at until they point it out, lol.

I remember starting to feel a little bit at piece, that maybe everyone was right and my gut feeling was wrong, that every thing was okay. It was seeming to be just like a normal ultrasound. She was showing me feet, legs, arms, hands, her heart and then asked if I wanted to know the sex. I of course said yes and she said a girl. Well my gut was right there, I knew all along she was a girl, I remember smiling at that.

I remember her putting it on the 3d finally and I got to see my baby girls face! I remember thinking she looked a lot like Katie from the ultrasound. I remember her asking me a lot of questions about my husband being deployed and what kind of support system I had with him gone. I told her none since the few friends I had had moved away or I found out weren't really friends to begin with. At the time I thought it was just small talk but now I understand. She then told me she had to go get the doctor. I knew that wasn't a good sign.

I remember the doctor and another lady walking in, that lady was a social worker, the result of that small talk about no support system at home. Though I didn't know at first who she was, she stood off to the side. I remember being so nervous right before and after the doctor walked in. I am guessing the tech showed the pictures to the doctor because he came in and told me the news without doing an ultrasound himself. Though after talking to me he did start doing one and started showing me the anencephaly.

I remember the genetics counselor coming in the room in shock and tearing up over the diagnosis. I remember her whispering to the tech that the levels should have been much higher in my blood test for this.

I remember the social worker talking to me but for the life of me I can't remember anything that she said.

I remember the tech asking if I would some pictures of the baby, I of course said yes. She printed off two 3d ones of her face and 1 regular one of her whole body.

I remember them taking me to another room and the social worker staying in there with me. It wasn't an exam room, it was a small room with a few chairs in it. They wanted to make sure I was okay to drive home since I had no one to come get me. I remember her giving me tissues and again talking to me but I don't remember much of what she was saying. I remember it all being kind words though. I also remember her giving me some books and papers on baby loss and other things like that.

Minus finding out the worst news of my life I remember how kind everyone was. How nice the doctor was with talking to me about my options, not pressuring me into anything and telling me it was my choice. I remember him telling me they would make sure a red cross message got out and they would do whatever they could to get Dwayne home. I remember them all taking turns holding my hand and giving it squeezes here and there. I remember them all being patient with me and answering all of my questions honestly and kindly. Never once did they make my baby girl to seem like a monster, like I have heard of other doctors and nurses doing.

I have no memory of leaving the hospital or starting my drive home. My next memory is my mother calling me, I think maybe 20 minutes into my drive. I remember some hurtful things she said, I am sure she probably said some nice things but I can't remember them.

I remember my sister calling after her. I don't remember much of what was said but I remember talking to her for quite a while, I am not sure if I would have made the drive without that. I know if I wasn't talking to her I would have probably been to blinded by my tears to drive that hour home.

I remember sometime on that ride home finally feeling my baby girl move for the first time. I was 22 weeks pregnant and hadn't felt her move. I remember the doctor telling me that can be normal with babies with anencephaly. I remember my tears of joy and sadness at feeling her. And it wasn't like the normal little butterfly movement feeling, it was full blown moving and kicking. Like she waited for just that moment to let me know she was there.

I remember when I was almost to my exit that I suddenly remembered that my van was no longer legal. I needed to stickers for my plate, they expired on Halloween, 2 days earlier. It fell on the weekend so this was the 1st day the place was open to go get new ones. I had to go do it because I couldn't get back on post with expired tags.

I remember being in that building getting the stickers but have NO idea how I managed to be normal in there. I didn't cry, I smiled and talked like it was any other day.

I remember trying to decide if I should pick up the kids or let them stay longer and go home and be alone for a little bit. I decided to get them because I didn't want to be alone.

I remember walking into the room to get Jonathan and Katie. I still remember her HUGE smile on her face as she came running up to me asking if it was a boy or girl. I remember putting a huge fake smile on my face and telling her she would have a little sister. I remember getting the congrats from the ladies working there who I had watched my pregnancy progress over the months, they were just as excited for a new baby girl. I never did tell them the news, and to this day I wonder what they thought when all of a sudden I wasn't pregnant anymore and I wasn't dropping a baby off with the other kids. Maybe one of them told them, I don't know.

I remember being at home crying and Katie asked me why. I knew I had to tell her something. I knew I should wait for Dwayne but who knew how long before I heard from him and if they would let him come home. I didn't want to lie to her and I knew there was no way I could hide my hurt and pain from her. So I told her the baby was sick, that she had a boo boo on her head and that after she came out of my tummy that God would take her to heaven to be an angel. I remember her asking questions and me answering them as honestly as I could for a 4 year old to kind of understand. I don't remember what the questions were though.

I remember on and off talking to my friend Lisa on yahoo messenger, my friend Renee on the phone, my cousin on the phone and my mother in law on the phone. I am sure I talked to my mom some too but I can't remember.

I remember sleeping on the couch that night but not actually getting much sleep, I have no idea why I didn't go up to my bed. I am guessing in case Dwayne got online I would hear him IM me.

I never talked to my husband that day. Their internet and phones were down. It was actually 2 days later I talked to him when he got the red cross message and they drove him to another COP to call me. Though I remember him saying he just knew something was wrong, that he could feel it. So for me D day is more than just one day. There is the day I got the diagnosis, the days waiting to hear from my husband. The day I finally did and I had to tell him over the phone what was actually going on since somehow between the specialist who did the ultrasound, the nurse at the hospital on post who did the red cross message and whatever happens to it between there and when my husbands unit gets it, the message ended up saying I was going to have a miscarriage. So he had no idea when he called just how bad the news was. My D day continues on the 2 days it took for him to fly home. So all in all my D day to me was 5 days long.

After my 5 days of D day it turned into 4 weeks of fighting the Army to allow my husband to stay home, but that is for another post, lol.

I know this post but seem really long but sadly that isn't much for a 5 day period. After I got home and talked to Katie and Jonathan about Isabella's boo boo I don't remember much else until I was at the airport picking my husband up. It is literally like those days didn't happen. I remember that I continued to talk to those same people I mentioned above. That they are what kept me going until Dwayne came home. I remember posting a status update on facebook about what was going on since most people on there knew of my blood test results and that I was going to see the specialist to find out about it. I remember lots of loving comments and messages from people. And please let me apologize to most of you for not responding. It meant so much to me but I just wasn't in a good emotional place and didn't have the strength to respond to everyone. I remember constantly looking at the ultrasound pictures and crying because I loved this baby girl so much and had wanted and prayed for her. I remember that the name Isabella Grace popped into my head and just wouldn't leave no matter how much I tried to talk myself out of it. Not because I didn't like it but because we usually use at least on family member name. But obviously I stuck with it because I just kept going back to it like she was telling me she wanted that name.

Now 3 years later when I look back what I remember the most from that day is this picture.

Does anyone else see the hand in the picture? I know it isn't a real hand but I remember seeing it and it looked like a hand lovingly touching her face. Anyways I just remember noticing that in those days, lol. But most of all I remember looking at this picture and just knowing in my heart that I wanted to carry her in my tummy as long as the Lord allowed. And thankfully the Lord did his work and Dwayne was allowed to stay home and we learned between our insurance and the post hospital I wasn't allowed to induce early without a medical reason. He allowed me to carry her for 33 weeks in my tummy and 3 wonderful minutes in my arms before she went home to Heaven.

It is almost 15 minutes until this day is over and I have only cried once. And like 3 years ago it was while I was driving alone down an interstate. One of the songs that reminds me of Isabella came on the radio tonight as I was driving back from a toys for tots class and I am not ashamed to admit that I shed some tears. I know that for the rest of my life there will be days that I cry, and I know that is okay. It doesn't make me a weak person and it doesn't mean that I am not not "moving on", it means I am human and I miss my baby girl.

To those of you who made it through and read the whole post if I had one I would give you a cookie :) Thank you for taking time out of your day to read about my journey through my D Days and our precious baby girl who now looks down on all of us from Heaven.

3 years ago

3 years ago on this date I said goodbye to my husband for his third deployment. I was around 3 months pregnant with Isabella. He had never deployed when I was pregnant before. It was always about a month after a baby was born. So I was so scared how I was going to handle this deployment. I don't have good pregnancies and to be pregnant and have to take care of Katie who was 4 years old and Jonathan who was 2 years old without my husband scared me. I was also scared he would miss the birth of the baby, at the time we didn't know she was a girl. I really wondered how in the world we would survive that deployment.

Then a little under 2 month later I found out about the Anencephaly, Dwayne found out a few days after me when he finally got the red cross message. He was sent home on emergency leave. We got that extended because we were trying to figure out what we were going to do. After finding out we couldn't induce because the insurance wouldn't cover it, since it is a government insurance, we fought for him to stay until the birth, it took lots of fighting, pleading and letters to the congresswoman and news stations before they let him stay. At that time we wondered how we were going to survive the next few months. How do you go on caring a baby you know is going to die. Once he was able to stay home I was relieved because I did want to carry her as long as I could and to know he would be there with me at her birth and to get to meet her and say goodbye to her was very important to him.

Then at 32 weeks along I had to go to the ER because my asthma was getting really bad. I got a breathing treatment and was left with a joke by a doctor, that I guess didn't read my chart, that once I got that baby out of me I would be great.  I had a followup appointment with my doctor the next day, the 25th of Jan, where we learned just how bad the extra fluid had gotten. He recommended inducing because it was the extra fluid making it hard for me to breath and would only get worse. Which also meant less oxygen getting to Isabella. My worse fear was her being stillborn so we agreed to it. Since Katie's 5th Birthday was the day before we decided to wait until the 29th for the induction so in the future her birthday wouldn't be clouded by the death of her sister.

Those next 4 days I wondered how in the world we would survive the death of our daughter and if she would survive the birth. Those four days were busy trying to get Dwayne's leave taken care of, he totaled our van after passing out and flipping it over, then dealing with the insurance and trying to make sure we had everything we wanted for the birth. I still remember Dwayne wanting to buy a car seat and I said no way. He was hopeful that she would be one of the ones to survive for days or months where I am a realist and didn't want to deal with seeing the car seat we bought to bring our daughter home and it never happened. I told him if she survives and gets to come home then he can buy a car seat before we leave the hospital.

On Friday the 29th of Jan at 33 weeks pregnant we headed to the hospital a couple of hours late for the induction. There is no real reason why we were late, I just kept coming up with things I had to do before we go. I was trying to put it off. Dwayne finally made me go. I still remember being scared they were going to say something at the hospital about us being late but they never did. I guess maybe they understood since my doctor had already prepared everyone of the situation. The labor was so long and difficult that I wondered if Isabella or even myself would survive it. I lost way to much blood had a scary reaction to the epidural and they had to use extreme measures to get her out of the birth canal. We both survived. She lived for 3 wonderful minutes. In those 3 minutes I didn't think of anything except how beautiful she was, how lucky we were that she was born alive and how happy we were to have her in our family, no matter how short she would be here with us.

Then at 10:55 am my nurse checked her pulse and it was gone. My tears of happiness turned to tears of sadness. At the time I went from being happy that she was born alive to being angry that we only had 3 minutes with her. I went from being happy that she survived the birth to wondering how in the hell I would survive losing my daughter. I have actually never said that out loud or written down just how angry I was that she only lived 3 minutes. I am not going to lie even to this day while I am VERY thankful for her being alive and for those 3 minutes there are times when I read other peoples stories who had hours, days or months with their babies I get a bit jealous and angry and wonder why didn't we get that time with her? I got over that initial anger, yes it did and still does come back sometimes, and just enjoyed holding her and looking at her and spending some time with her. Yes I knew she wasn't in her body anymore but it is still very comforting to do that. Most people who have never lost a baby just don't understand that. In fact I wish I had spent more time with her body in my room.

The next day I was released from the hospital when the doctor was happy with my blood test results, from where I lost a lot of blood. As I was sitting there in the bed listening to my nurse go over my release paperwork I was wondering how I would survive leaving the hospital with my arms empty. Knowing my baby girl was laying in some cold room somewhere waiting for the funeral home to come get her body. And I won't even get started on how long it took them to come get her, boy was I angry and still get angry to this day thinking about it. Just 3 years earlier that same month I left that same hospital with Jonathan in my arms. I just didn't think I would be able to leave without her.

The next few months after that are pretty much a blur. I remember them trying to send Dwayne back to Iraq but that not happening thanks to a great woman saying he couldn't be deployed due to depression from losing his daughter. I remember some of our trip out to VA and some of her memorial service there. I remember thinking I would never survive this, that I would just die from the pain in my heart. Most people had no idea what I was going through, I don't think my husband even knew how bad it was. I learned very young how to put a smile on my face and say everything was okay.

I look back now and realize I never really started the grieving process until months later, I was just too numb. What started it was a neighbor who became a great friend. She wanted to talk about Isabella, she wanted to hear everything and asked me lots of questions. She didn't change the subject when her name came up or avoid it at all. She didn't act like it didn't happen. Being able to talk about her started to thaw out my heart and open it up to the love and happiness that Isabella brought us in those 33 weeks and 3 minutes she was here with us. Even though sometimes those talks lead me to tears they were tears of happiness and that smile on my face wasn't faked.

Now as I sit here 3 years later I am still in the grieving process, and truthfully I will probably never leave it. Even while I celebrate her life I will always grieve for her. I sit here wondering how in the hell we did survive all of that. I know that we are still trying to survive it. While 3 years later it is a lot easier and the bad days are less and less they are still there and on those days I wonder if I will survive. But as one of my favorite songs say "I am a survivor". While most people put that saying with cancer for me it goes with past 3 years of my life and every year in the future until I am with my daughter. I survived them and I will continue to be a survivor until I can hold her in my arms again. I will fight everyday to celebrate her life, I will fight that anger and sadness that tries to surface every now and then to take away my happiness and I will survive that fight. I will fight it and I will survive it because that is what Isabella taught me to do. She taught me just how special life is and I am not going to let her down. She has made me a survivor.

Untitled

I saw this poem posted on Facebook this morning from I Am Mother To An Angel and I felt the need to share it.

Hello old friend,
Oh yes you know
I lost my child not long ago.
No, no please
Don’t look away
And change the subject
It’s ok.
You see at first I couldn’t feel,
It took so long, but now it’s real.
I hurt so much inside you see
If I need to talk,
Come sit with me?
You see, I was numb for so very long,
And people say, “My, she is so strong.”
They did not know I couldn’t feel,
My broken heart made all unreal.
But then one day, as I awoke
I clutched my chest, began to choke,
Such a scream, such a wail,
Broke from me..
My child! My child!
The horror of reality.
But everyone has moved on, you see,
everyone except for me.
Now, when I need friends most of all,
Between us there now stands a wall.
My pain is more than they can bear,
When I mention my child,
I see their blank stare.
“But I thought you were over it,”
Their eyes seem to say--
No, no, I can’t listen to this, not today.
So I smile and pretend, and say, “Oh, I’m ok”.
But inside I am crying, as I turn away.
And so my old friend, I shall paint on a smile,
As I have from the start,
You never knowing all the while, 
All I’ve just said to you in my heart.

I Will Carry You

Even years later when I hear this song it makes me think of you. It brings tears of happiness and sadness to my eyes. I will never get tired of hearing songs that remind me of you! *Remember to pause the player on the bottom of the page if you want to listen to the song.

For those of you that haven't read this book yet, I Will Carry You: The Sacred Dance of Grief and Joy, I highly recommend it. It is a great read even for those of you who haven't lost a baby.

I will carry you All my life And I will praise the One Who’s chosen me To carry you

Did you just get the diagnosis?

I see that a lot of people come to my blog by searching for Anencephaly. I also see a lot of people coming to my blog from other blogs about Anencepahly and see them going to read the other blogs on my list about Anencepahly. It makes me wonder if these people recently got an Anencephaly Diagnosis or know someone who did.

I know when I first got it one of the first things I did was search online. I wanted to find out what other people did. I wanted to learn all I could about it. I wanted to not feel so alone. Some of those blog listed on the right side of my page I read shortly after I found out about Isabella, before I knew that eventually I would "meet" these wonderful people through online groups, other Anen moms, etc.

So if you are coming to my blog shortly after getting this diagnosis, please know you are NOT alone. I am here for you. You can contact me through my facebook page, link on the right side of the blog. You can e-mail me at junnebug97@gmail.com. I am here for you. I will answer whatever questions you have, I will just listen to what you have to say, I can point you in the direction of online support groups and websites with information. I know when you google Anencephaly you can see some scary things but there are good websites out there too. Whatever it is you may need I will try to help you. I remember how those first few days, weeks, months were. And being able to talk to others who went through or were going through the same thing really helped me. I continue to keep in touch with those ladies because even years later it is hard and they understand.

You may feel like you are lost and you are alone. But you aren't. There are many of us out there, many wonderful people who would love to know you, know your baby. They would love to be there for you and help you on this journey. If you do not feel comfortable contacting me or any of the other blogs you have read there are some wonderful facebook groups that can help you. You can join and not talk to anyone if you don't feel up to it. Sometimes just reading what other people write, knowing that they are feeling the same way can help.

During my last couple weeks of pregnancy I found this wonderful site, http://www.anencephalie-info.org/e/stories.php. It really helped to read this stories. Know I did sit there and cry my eyes when I was reading them. Some out of sadness, some out of joy, and some from just being a pregnant hormonal mess, lol. But it felt good to read those, felt like I wasn't alone.

As much as our friends and loved ones want to be there for us, sometimes we need more. Sometimes we need to hear from others who have been where we are. So please do not be afraid to reach out to me or someone else who understands what you are going through. Remember you do not need to go through this alone.

Magnets???

First let me start off by saying I am in no way getting paid for this blog post. I was however contacted by http://www.magnetsonthecheap.com/ , also affiliated with http://www.signsonthecheap.com/ and http://www.bannersonthecheap.com/, with an offer for free magnets :) At first I wasn't sure. I mean did I really want a magnet with my blog info on my van for the world to see?? Then it hit me, this is a way I can help spread the word on Anencephaly and Folic Acid Awareness! And a way to keep my baby girls memory alive and do good in her name! I decided it wasn't much different than decals people get and this way if we get a new vehicle we could transfer it.

So right away I went to make my custom magnet. Now many years ago I did play around with Paint Shop Pro so it was a breeze for me to make this, but I really do believe that anyone could easily make their own. If you aren't up to making you own they have templates to choose from too! They also have a few different sizes to choose from. I picked the smallest one, 9x12.  Since you can make your own custom magnet there are endless possibilities on what you can use them for!

We have been driving around since Friday with them on the van and have had no issues. They stay put, besides when my kids feel the need to move them around :) I love to see people looking at them when we are at a light or in the parking lot. If just one of them goes to the blog and learns about Anencephaly I will be happy.

So thank you to the people at http://www.magnetsonthecheap.com/, I LOVE my magnets :)

Over You

The first time I heard this song I thought of you. And every time afterwards I think of you. It drew me right in when in the first line it mentions snow. Every time it comes on while we are driving I turn it way up and sing at the top of my lungs to you. Luckily people in the other vehicles can't hear me :) But I hope you can. To listen to it you will need to scroll down and pause the music player at the bottom, that is unless you like listening to two songs at the same time

International Bereaved Mother's Day

Today is International Bereaved Mother's Day. It is a day to honor and remember those of us who have lost a baby or child. Every loss is hard, it is never easy to say goodbye to someone you love. But there is nothing like losing your child. As much as we hate it we expect our older loved ones to go before us, we know eventually we will have to say goodbye to them. You never expect to have to do that with your own child. They are supposed to outlive us.

Our hearts will never fully heal. There will always be a touch of sadness we can't get rid of. On days like today I hope that we can celebrate the lives of our wonderful children instead of dwelling on that sadness. Today we celebrate that we did have a child, that we are still their mother! As much as society would like us to forget or move on, we know that isn't possible, and it shouldn't be. No matter when you lost your child you were and are still their mother. No matter how much time you had with them before they went to Heaven you still loved them, still cherished them. They are still our babies. We will always be their mother.

So today we should all celebrate these wonderful moms and celebrate their special babies. Today we honor them and show them that we haven't forgotten. To all my baby loss moms out there, today I am thinking of you and your angels. I am celebrating their life along with Isabella's. I hope everyone will join me in this and show these wonderful Mother's that we love them and their babies and that we celebrate them! If you know someone who has lost a baby or child let them know you haven't forgotten. You have no way of knowing how much that would mean to them. I can't put in to words how wonderful that feels!

Missing You

It has been 795 days  or 113 weeks or 19,080 hours or 1,114,800 minutes or 68,688,000 seconds since I last held you in my arms. No matter how you look at it it has felt like forever, but at the same time feels just like yesterday. I know I don't come on here and write often anymore. I think it is part of my coping mechanism. When I write to you or write in the blog all my emotions come to the surface. I feel horrible not writing more often, but I am just not sure I could handle it all the time either. It does not in any way mean I don't think about you or miss you or love you. It just means Mommy isn't as strong as she would like to be. Hopefully one day I will get there.

There is a show on TV here called Private Practice, and right now one of the characters is pregnant with a baby with Anencephaly. Last night I watched it and afterwards all I could do was think about you. All those emotions I try to keep stuffed down came bubbling up to the surface. I know it isn't healthy to keep them hidden away but I don't know any other way to deal with them. Because of them all coming up last night it felt like it was just yesterday you left us. Everything felt so new and so raw. No matter how much I try to pretend I am okay, I know I am not. No matter how much I try to pretend I have "moved on", I know I haven't. I don't think you can ever move on from something like this. I am just trying to learn to live with it.

 I was so excited when I learned I was pregnant with you. Right away I knew you were a girl. I would sit and day dream about what you would look like, what type of personality you would have. And now I do that too. But instead I sit and day dream about what you are like in Heaven. Do you grow up there or do you stay a baby? Do you know your loved ones or are you all strangers? I like to think that you are still a baby, that when I get to see you again I will be able to hold you in my arms again. I like to think that you are with your grandfather and that he is spoiling you like crazy. If you are with him then you know he never got to meet any of his grandchildren and I know what a wonderful grandfather he would have been. So it comforts me to think that you are with him.

 Recently your little sister had her first birthday. I couldn't help but think that we never got to have a first birthday with you. Every time she hits a milestone I can't help but think we didn't get to do that with you. Don't get me wrong, we LOVE your little sister and are so very happy to celebrate her and her milestones. There will always be a part of my heart that is sad I didn't get to do this stuff with you. But I can be sad and happy at the same time.

 My baby girl I just miss you so much. I look at your pictures we have up around the house everyday and wish you were her. I wish I could watch you grow up. I have so many wishes that I know will never come true. I know I have said this before and I am sure I will say it again, I just hope you know how much we wanted you and how much we love you. How you can never be replaced. How until the day we are with you again we will be missing you.

Dear Family and Friends..

I can't believe how little my family and friends have learned from my experience with Isabella. I only know of one family member who is taking folic acid now. It saddens me. I had hoped that at least losing Isabella would help prevent it from happening to someone else. So I am going to try and stress yet again how important it is. If you are in your child bearing years you NEED to being taking folic acid, even if you aren't trying to get pregnant. It needs to be taken for at least 3 months before you get pregnant to have it build up in your system and if you wait until you are pregnant it is too late to prevent an open neural tube defect. It happens so early in the pregnancy, most of the time before you even know you are pregnant.

If you are related to someone who has had a baby with a NTD(neural tube defect) then you are more likely yourself to have one. If you are a girl dating/married to a guy who is related to someone who has had a baby with it you are still more likely to have a baby with one. TAKE YOUR FOLIC ACID! It isn't that hard. You can get a prescription from your doctor or buy it yourself over the counter. Talk to your doctor, you may need a higher dose than the average person if again you are related to someone who has had a baby with it.

Even if you aren't related to someone who had a baby with it you should still be taking folic acid. It can happen to anyone. Before Isabella there was no other baby in my family who had this, that we know of. If I had known about folic acid and how important it was during the 1st few weeks of pregnancy this might not have happened to her. I just don't understand why anyone wouldn't want to prevent this, all it takes is taking a pill or pills! It isn't that hard.

Again if you are in your child bearing years, aka are having a period, then TAKE YOUR FOLIC ACID! If you are male then make sure your girlfriend/wife is taking it! Again even if you are on BC or not sexually active you still need to take it!! Over 50% of pregnancies are accidents, why take the chance???

Don't let Isabella's life mean nothing. Let her help you all in preventing it from happening to you!

Can we make it???

A few weeks after finding out Isabella's diganosis I read some statistics that said most marriages don't make it through the loss of a child. I just skimmed over them thinking that wouldn't be us. Now I wonder will we be part of those statistics? In 9 days it will be our 10 year wedding anniversary and it breaks my heart to think it might be our last one.

Up until a couple of months ago I thought things were going good. I mean of course we had our issues, what marriage doesn't? But things are spiraling out of control very fast. My husband has held things in all this time and has been hiding his depression for so long now. And of course for some reason like most men he can't accept the fact that maybe he might need help. I have done everything I can to help him through this but it is out of my hands. I don't want to give up on us, but it feels like he already has.

I pray and I hope we won't become one of the statistics, and I ask for prayers from you all that we make it through this.