Changes

It has amazed me how much losing Isabella has changed our life. In good and bad ways. Some of the good I expected, the bad I wasn't that prepared for.

I knew that it would change my outlook on life. It would make me appreciate the little things so much more. Make me cherish the things the Lord has blessed me with even more than I did before. One of the good things that I wasn't so sure of was how much it brought me closer to the Lord. I actually expected it to make me so angry that I would push that relationship even farther away. Instead it pushed me to him. Without the strength he gave me I know I wouldn't be where I am now. Yes there were times I got angry and literally screamed at him but that was okay, afterwards I would feel a sense of peace and a new surge of strength. I knew that was him telling me it is okay to be angry but that he was still there for me and that he still loved me. He has a plan for our lives, and even though we didn't and still don't really understand it he was there with us, never leaving our side. I am so thankful to him for not leaving my side, so thankful for his grace and forgiveness during my angry times, and the angry times that I know will still probably come.

Now these bad changes I was in no way expecting. I have become extremely protective over the kids. Things I would have let them do before I am scared to let them do. I know now how easy they can be taken away from us. What is weird about it is I am a firm believer that when your job is done here it is your time to go, so really it doesn't matter where you are or what you are doing. And it isn't just with the kids it is with Dwayne too. If he is a few minutes late home from work I start worrying way more than I used to that something has happened to him. I didn't expect this new fearful side of me.

I have also never been much of a materialist person. I knew and still know what is most important in life, that is people and love not possesions. But I find myself now clinging to certain things, not wanting to get rid of them. I also never minded much about the kids breaking things and stuff like that, I mean they are kids afterall, it happens. But if they even go near Isabella's things without me I freak out. We had bought a few items for Isabella before we knew her diagnosis. Before we passed everything down between the kids. But these items will stay in her chest, I already know I will not be comfortable with this baby on the way using them. I feel guilty about that because in some ways it is like I am saying this baby isn't worth it but at the same time they are Isabella's items. Everything that has to do with her for some reason are very cherished items, even things that are only worth pennies or have no monetary value. Maybe because we were only able to buy her a few items. I mean all her possesions don't even fill up the chest we bought for her. If I had kept everything of Wesley's, Katie's and Jonathan's our house would look like one on an episode of hoarders, lol.

I didn't expect this grieving process to be so emotional and almost consuming of my life. I knew it would be hard, I knew it would take a long time to feel "normal" again. And yes there are more days now that I do feel normal than before but I still have lots of bad days. I never expected 8 months later to still get sad sometimes when I see baby girl things in the store and am around babies. I never expected to somehow associate everything in our lives with Isabella. Like at Busch Gardens, on such a fun wonderful day there were a few minutes where I did get sad. I thought about how I will never get to bring her there, I will never get to see the joy and happiness on her face that I saw on Jonathan's and Katie's. Maybe I am expecting to much of myself. I know that it is normal to still have sad days, heck I have talked to people who lost their baby 20 years ago and they still get sad. They say there will always be a piece of you that is missing, even though they are happy and enjoying their lives there is always a seperate part of their heart that always remains sad and missing their baby. So maybe I should stop putting so much pressure on myself to "move on". I am normally not the type to live in the past, usually I pick myself up and get on with life. I am finding it hard to do that now, but maybe that is okay, maybe that is "normal". I know I will forever be changed. I know I can never go back to the person I used to be, I just have to learn to tell myself that that is okay.