One year ago...

So I waited a couple days to post this blog, wanted to make sure my emotions were under control, lol. On the 2nd was the one year anniversary of finding out Isabella's diagnosis. I knew the day would be hard but didn't realize how hard it would be. I kept reliving that day over and over in my head and the days that followed. I still wonder how I survived those days. I had to go to the appointment by myself since Dwayne was deployed. I have no idea how I managed that hour drive home in the condition I was in. I still remember walking into that empty house and just crying, trying to figure out what I was going to tell the kids when I picked them up from daycare. I still remember how hard it was not having Dwayne to talk to. The phone lines were down where he was at so until he got the redcross message two days later he had no idea what was going on. Even then they had to drive him somewhere else to call me. I still remember trying to tell him over the phone what was going on, the redcross message made it sound like I had a miscarriage. I remember hearing his voice and longing to have his arms around me while I was telling him. I remember those 4 lonely days until he was home. My emotions during those days were like a roller coaster. I would just start crying and wouldn't be able to stop.

I can still close my eyes and see the excitment on Katie's face when I was picking her up at daycare. She knew we would find out if it was a boy or girl and she was so excited to find out, I also remember the heartbreak on her face when we got home and I had to tell her the baby was sick and would go to Heaven and not come home with us. I remember how hard it was to keep my emotions under control trying to answer all her questions she had about it.

And I remember my wonderful cousin Melissa and my two great friends Renee and Lisa all keeping me somewhat sane until Dwayne got home. None of them lived around me so I was constantly online chatting or on the phone chatting with them. I will never forget how you all were there for me during that time, you are all true blessings in my life!

But what I remember most about that day is feeling Isabella move for the first time. While I was at the doctors office I mentioned I hadn't felt her move, he said that was normal with babies with anencephaly. On the ride home I felt her move and she didn't stop! It was like she was saying Mommy I am in here, I am your baby and I love you! Feeling her move really made me realize she wasn't a "fetus" to be taken care of, she was a baby. She was my daughter who I loved and would love and take care of as long as God allowed me to. Even though at the time I hadn't relized it but that first kick made up my mind for me about what I wanted to do, which was carry her to term, if I medically could.

It is crazy how just one day can change your life so dramtically. I will forever be thankful to God for blessing us with Isabella, for choosing me to carry that angel and help deliever her into Jesus' arms. Of course I will always have a piece of my heart missing, and will always miss her but I don't regret at all being her mother. I can not imagine our lives without her.