The past couple weeks I have found myself really down, pretty much depressed. All the sadness and crying has come back. I find myself just breaking down over stuff that I thought I was over. It has been forever since I have felt like crying when I am around babies but yet last week when we took Katie to the doctor and the room was filled with newborns for their wellbaby appointments it took everything in me to not break down there in front of everyone. Songs that used to make me cry but have recently been okay to listen to now have me tearing up again. There have been two days this week where I just broke down crying over Isabella and nothing even triggered it.
I am sure part of it is her upcoming 8 month birthday. I usually get a little down a few days before it. I am sure some of it is being hormonal from the pregnancy. But it just seems like it is worse than if it was only those two thing causing it.
I also seem to be having more fears recently, and not the ones where I worry that the baby isn't going to be healthy. I worry that Isabella is going to think we are replacing her. I worry that people are going to forget about her and stop talking about her because there is a new baby. I worry that I am not going to be able to tell this new baby about her wonderful brave older sister that he/she will meet in Heaven one day. I worry about that one because as the days pass I notice there is more and more that I seem to be forgetting or is harder to remember about the day Isabella was born.
I worry that if this baby is a girl that it will somehow be harder than if it is a boy. Then I feel guilty for thinking that because all that really matters is that he or she is healthy. I am just scared that if it is a girl that somehow I will resent her for not being Isabella. I have read that other parents have felt that way and I don't think that will be me but I can't help but worry about it. I worry that everytime I have to buy girl things I will be reminded that I wasn't able to do that with Isabella. There are just so many things going through my mind that I know are stupid and don't make much sense but can't seem to stop thinking them.
I am hoping that once my hormones ease up a bit things will get easier. I have always been an emotional person and with all my other pregnancies it gets worse, lol. I guess this time with still going through the grieving process it is just making things a bit more emotional and difficult for me.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Friday, September 24, 2010
Guilt
I never realized how much guilt goes along with grieving. When I lost my dad I didn't have much guilt, I was more mad at him for not making me spend more time with him when I was a kid than I was mad at myself. When we lost relatives in Dwayne's family I never felt much guilt over anything. So now all this guilt I am feeling over Isabella is a new thing.
First I still feel guilty for agreeing to induce at 33 weeks. I still feel like I chose myself over her. Yes I was having a hard time breathing and my asthma was acting up because of the extra fluid but I am sure I could have held off a few weeks more. She could have stayed alive inside of me for longer. I tell myself that she might not have even been born alive if I had waited, I tell myself there could have been more complications due to the extra fluid if I had waited, but none of that seems to help.
I feel guilty for not keeping her in the room with me longer. I don't even know exactly how long we kept her in the room. If I had to guess I would say an hour. Dwayne and the kids were leaving to go get lunch and I was just so tired from being up all night that I wanted a nap while they were gone. I knew they needed to take Isabella to weigh her and all that stuff so I let them take her while I tried to sleep. I had planned on having them bring her back after they were done but for some reason still unknown to me I didn't. I think I thought maybe it would be harder on the kids because of course her body was changing. I did have them bring her back hours later when Dwayne and the kids were leaving so they could say goodbye to her and see her one last time. I kept her in the room with me for a couple hours after they left but it just doesn't seem like it was long enough. I mean I know it wasn't her it was just her body but I wish I had spent more time with her while I could.
I feel guilty because I feel like I didn't talk to her enough when I was pregnant with her. I feel like we should have made more memories with her while I was pregnant. That was the only time we had with her and I feel like we didn't take enough advantage of it.
The biggest thing I feel guilty about is I never kissed her. I don't know why. It didn't hit me until a couple days after being home from the hospital and I broke down crying when it did. I kissed my fingers and touched her face with them but I never actually kissed her. I never gave my daughter a kiss. I feel so guilty over that. I will never know how her skin would have felt against my lips.
I know a lot of the guilt is not rational or logical. I can sit here and argue with myself about it and have argued with Dwayne about it going back and forth with it. But none of that seems to ease the guilt, nothing seems to take it away or make me feel any better about it. Even almost 8 months later the guilt is still just as fresh as the first day I felt it. While everything else with the grieving process has gotten better the guilt is just as strong, not getting any better or any easier.
First I still feel guilty for agreeing to induce at 33 weeks. I still feel like I chose myself over her. Yes I was having a hard time breathing and my asthma was acting up because of the extra fluid but I am sure I could have held off a few weeks more. She could have stayed alive inside of me for longer. I tell myself that she might not have even been born alive if I had waited, I tell myself there could have been more complications due to the extra fluid if I had waited, but none of that seems to help.
I feel guilty for not keeping her in the room with me longer. I don't even know exactly how long we kept her in the room. If I had to guess I would say an hour. Dwayne and the kids were leaving to go get lunch and I was just so tired from being up all night that I wanted a nap while they were gone. I knew they needed to take Isabella to weigh her and all that stuff so I let them take her while I tried to sleep. I had planned on having them bring her back after they were done but for some reason still unknown to me I didn't. I think I thought maybe it would be harder on the kids because of course her body was changing. I did have them bring her back hours later when Dwayne and the kids were leaving so they could say goodbye to her and see her one last time. I kept her in the room with me for a couple hours after they left but it just doesn't seem like it was long enough. I mean I know it wasn't her it was just her body but I wish I had spent more time with her while I could.
I feel guilty because I feel like I didn't talk to her enough when I was pregnant with her. I feel like we should have made more memories with her while I was pregnant. That was the only time we had with her and I feel like we didn't take enough advantage of it.
The biggest thing I feel guilty about is I never kissed her. I don't know why. It didn't hit me until a couple days after being home from the hospital and I broke down crying when it did. I kissed my fingers and touched her face with them but I never actually kissed her. I never gave my daughter a kiss. I feel so guilty over that. I will never know how her skin would have felt against my lips.
I know a lot of the guilt is not rational or logical. I can sit here and argue with myself about it and have argued with Dwayne about it going back and forth with it. But none of that seems to ease the guilt, nothing seems to take it away or make me feel any better about it. Even almost 8 months later the guilt is still just as fresh as the first day I felt it. While everything else with the grieving process has gotten better the guilt is just as strong, not getting any better or any easier.
Monday, September 13, 2010
Fears
When most women get pregnant all they think about is holding the baby, loving on the baby, picking out all the cute baby stuff and picking out names they like. For me it was always that way too. But this pregnancy is different. All I can think about is did the neural tube close and is everything growing like it is supposed to? Am I going to get to bring my baby home this time? Will I be able to watch her/him grow up? I have been trying not to stress to much about it because I know whatever happens is God's will, but it is hard to not think about it.
I also find myself comparing this pregnancy to Isabella's way more than what is normal. When I was pregnant with her it took forever to actually feel like I was pregnant. It was like subconsciencely I knew there was something wrong so I didn't allow myself to get attached right away. I find that happening with this pregnancy too. I also notice that like Isabella I am completely drained of energy and don't have much morning sickness. Since my other pregnancies before Isabella weren't like this I can't help but wonder if they are signs that something is wrong again. I mean I know that is not very logical but I can't seem to stop.
I am so worried that because I am so scared something could be wrong I am not allowing myself to get excited and bond with the baby as much as I can while I am pregnant. I am worried that if she/he is healthy and lives that I might somehow be withdrawn from her/him and not bond properly after they are born. I hate that I am already kind of distancing myself from the baby just incase something is wrong. I know that if something is wrong that doing this won't make it any easier, so there is no real purpose of this, but I can't seem to stop doing this too.
Everything has just been to good to be true. I mean I got pregnant the first month we kind of really tried, I haven't had much morning sickness, besides the being tired I don't even feel pregnant. It has all gone to easy, to smoothly that something has to be wrong, right?
I wish I could be like the other expecting moms. I wish everything was sunshine and rainbows instead of clouds and rain. I am envious and jealous of them, I wish I was still that naive and innocent about pregnancy and what can happen to your baby. I wouldn't trade Isabella for anything but it would be nice to just enjoy this pregnancy, even for just a day. Maybe as time goes and I start getting reassured with the bloodwork and sonograms things will get easier. Until then I guess I just have to keep trying to fight this stress and fears.
I also find myself comparing this pregnancy to Isabella's way more than what is normal. When I was pregnant with her it took forever to actually feel like I was pregnant. It was like subconsciencely I knew there was something wrong so I didn't allow myself to get attached right away. I find that happening with this pregnancy too. I also notice that like Isabella I am completely drained of energy and don't have much morning sickness. Since my other pregnancies before Isabella weren't like this I can't help but wonder if they are signs that something is wrong again. I mean I know that is not very logical but I can't seem to stop.
I am so worried that because I am so scared something could be wrong I am not allowing myself to get excited and bond with the baby as much as I can while I am pregnant. I am worried that if she/he is healthy and lives that I might somehow be withdrawn from her/him and not bond properly after they are born. I hate that I am already kind of distancing myself from the baby just incase something is wrong. I know that if something is wrong that doing this won't make it any easier, so there is no real purpose of this, but I can't seem to stop doing this too.
Everything has just been to good to be true. I mean I got pregnant the first month we kind of really tried, I haven't had much morning sickness, besides the being tired I don't even feel pregnant. It has all gone to easy, to smoothly that something has to be wrong, right?
I wish I could be like the other expecting moms. I wish everything was sunshine and rainbows instead of clouds and rain. I am envious and jealous of them, I wish I was still that naive and innocent about pregnancy and what can happen to your baby. I wouldn't trade Isabella for anything but it would be nice to just enjoy this pregnancy, even for just a day. Maybe as time goes and I start getting reassured with the bloodwork and sonograms things will get easier. Until then I guess I just have to keep trying to fight this stress and fears.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
7 months
Yesterday was 7 months from having to say hello and goodbye to Isabella. I can't believe how fast time has gone by. In a lot of ways it feels like just weeks ago that I had her not months ago! I didn't have any breakdowns yesterday, didn't even cry at all. I had some moments where I got sad but that was it. I guess that is a good thing but for some reason it doesn't feel like it. In some ways it feels like I am forgetting her. I know this isn't true. I tell myself it just means I am going on with life, like I am sure she would want me to. But at the same time I can't help but feel guilty that I didn't cry for her. I know it is weird.
We tried out a church here this past sunday. It was okay, the people were really nice. I don't know why but it just didn't feel right. So we are going to try a few more. I hope we can find something where we feel comfortable and at home at.
So about a week and a half ago I found out some good news. We are expecting again! I am due around May 1st, but since all of mine come a little early it will probably be end of April. We are both very excited about it. But I have to admit I am a bit scared too. I am told this is normal. So far the pregnancy is going good, no morning sickness or anything. My only complaint is I have no energy, lol. But other than that it is going good. I don't see a doctor until Oct. 4th. In the morning on the 4th I have to go to a stupid orientation class thing so they can tell me all about being pregnant, cause you know after giving birth to 4 babies I have no idea what that is like, lol. And it is a freaking 3 hour class, hopefully Dwayne can get off for it because you can't bring kids. Then in the afternoon I go back to actually see a doctor for that wonderful exam you always have to get, lol and she said they will also do an ultrasound! That was wonderful news because before with military doctors you only get that one ultra sound around 20 some weeks unless there is a reason for another one.
I hate that I have to wait so long to see a doctor. I mean I know there isn't anything they can find out right now about the baby but at the same time I want to talk to a doctor about it, maybe get a little reassurance that most likely it won't happen again. I don't know I just think I wouldn't be stressing as much if I could talk to someone about it. Oh and I found out that in the class is when we give our medical history, so yeah in front of other pregnant women I am going to have to talk about Isabella and my medical history of the birth and everything. While I love to talk about Isabella I don't think this is something I am going to like. I just wish there was some way I could get out of the class but they said it was manditory :( Oh and our clinic doesn't have an OB ward so I am going to have to go to Langley Airfoce Base. I am hoping after the orientation and the 1st doctors appointment I can get a referral to the doctors off post here.
I know over the next weeks and months I am going to be stressing like crazy. I know even after ultrasounds and bloodwork coming back as normal I am still going to stress. I know the only time I am going to stop stressing about it is when I am holding this baby in my arms and I see she or he is healthy.
We tried out a church here this past sunday. It was okay, the people were really nice. I don't know why but it just didn't feel right. So we are going to try a few more. I hope we can find something where we feel comfortable and at home at.
So about a week and a half ago I found out some good news. We are expecting again! I am due around May 1st, but since all of mine come a little early it will probably be end of April. We are both very excited about it. But I have to admit I am a bit scared too. I am told this is normal. So far the pregnancy is going good, no morning sickness or anything. My only complaint is I have no energy, lol. But other than that it is going good. I don't see a doctor until Oct. 4th. In the morning on the 4th I have to go to a stupid orientation class thing so they can tell me all about being pregnant, cause you know after giving birth to 4 babies I have no idea what that is like, lol. And it is a freaking 3 hour class, hopefully Dwayne can get off for it because you can't bring kids. Then in the afternoon I go back to actually see a doctor for that wonderful exam you always have to get, lol and she said they will also do an ultrasound! That was wonderful news because before with military doctors you only get that one ultra sound around 20 some weeks unless there is a reason for another one.
I hate that I have to wait so long to see a doctor. I mean I know there isn't anything they can find out right now about the baby but at the same time I want to talk to a doctor about it, maybe get a little reassurance that most likely it won't happen again. I don't know I just think I wouldn't be stressing as much if I could talk to someone about it. Oh and I found out that in the class is when we give our medical history, so yeah in front of other pregnant women I am going to have to talk about Isabella and my medical history of the birth and everything. While I love to talk about Isabella I don't think this is something I am going to like. I just wish there was some way I could get out of the class but they said it was manditory :( Oh and our clinic doesn't have an OB ward so I am going to have to go to Langley Airfoce Base. I am hoping after the orientation and the 1st doctors appointment I can get a referral to the doctors off post here.
I know over the next weeks and months I am going to be stressing like crazy. I know even after ultrasounds and bloodwork coming back as normal I am still going to stress. I know the only time I am going to stop stressing about it is when I am holding this baby in my arms and I see she or he is healthy.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
The Past Month
Wow it has been awhile since I posted on here. I am not sure why but I kept putting it off. The past month has been pretty emotional for me. I had a little break down right before we moved. We were packing up the uhaul trailer and Dwayne put Isabella's chest with her stuff in it and her flowers in the trailer. I am not really sure why that got me. The only thing I can think of is that is all we have of her so in a way it was like putting my child in the back of the trailer. I was also extremly scared of someone stealing the trailer for some reason and the idea of her stuff being stolen scared me. Then of course I was scared of something getting broken or messed up. But everything survived the trip, nothing broken or messed up and thank God nothing stolen.
Our last few days and nights in Kansas were exhausting, lol. I am so thankful for the wonderful friends we had there that helped us get that place clean. Thank you to Marshall for pretty much taking over the hole patching from Dwayne and the oil change! Thank you to Tara and her kids for helping us prime over the paint. Thank you again to Tara and Dorothea for helping us get that place clean. Those few nights really made me realize what great people we were going to have to be saying goodbye to. It was a lot harder than I thought it would be to leave Kansas. Though there wasn't much about actual Kansas I was going to miss, it was the people I didn't want to leave.
What normally is a two day drive from Fort Riley to Fort Eustis we did much faster. We got a call about 2 hours after we left that they had a house there for us. If we got there the next day,friday, we only had to pay $42 up front, if we waited until Monday we would have to pay $2200 up front. Yeah not much a choice in it for us, lol. So we drove the whole way without stopping. Or I guess I should say Dwayne drove the whole way, think he was scared to let me drive the van pulling the trailer, lol.
We get here and see the house and I just wanted to cry. I had a totally different image in my head of what the new housing would be like. Especially when I read online it had a fenced in back yard. While I loved the downstairs, the rooms are HUGE. The kitchen is awesome! The bedrooms are smaller than what we had in Kansas and well the backyard is really a fenced in patio. Now keep in mind we have a 6 month old lab/german shorthaired pointer mix dog that is used to having a yard to run around in. When I saw that "backyard" I pretty much just wanted to cry. Now I am sure it wasn't all about the yard, I am sure it was part due to the lack of sleep and just the emotional drain a move is and already missing everyone back in Kansas. I also didn't like that we no longer would have a garage or driveway for the kids to play in. Here it is like an alley way behind the houses with parking spots, no driveway or garage. Now the house has grown on me but I do still wish we had a garage, yard and somewhere for the kids to play. Our old place had a huge parking lot type of thingy, we called it a court for the kids to play in. Here they can pretty much only play in the roads. Not something I really let my kids do. But we are adjusting and I find that during the day the alley way road in the back doesn't get to much traffic so I will go sit out there and let the kids play while I am constantly screaming CAR to the kids, lol.
Now that things are somewhat normal in our household I am getting a bit depressed. Dwayne is at work and just me and the kids bored at home. There aren't really any kids their age to play with and I haven't made any friends here on post either. I met one neighbor and well she is not the type I want to be friends with, the sterotypical drama queen military wife and on the other side the lady is so not friendly. Now the houses are in rows of like 4-7 houses, ours being one of the 7 ones so there are other people around but no one ever comes out of their house. It is hard to go from sitting outside everyday talking with your friends, while the kids played with kids close to their ages to not having any other adult to talk to during the day and the kids driving you crazy and each other crazy cause they are stuck playing together constantly. Even though it will be a sad day I look forward to the day Katie starts school too, lol. They need a break from each other and she needs to be around kids her age to play with. Hopefully we can find some for Jonathan to play with too.
Today was a pretty bittersweet day. Katie finally lost that loose tooth. While I have had constant reminders recently that she is growing up, like registering her for kindergarten, buying her school supplies this was just another slap in the face. While I couldn't help but be happy for her, she was so excited anyone within a mile from us could feed off it, lol, it was still a sad moment too. They just grow up way to fast, I wish I could wrap her in my arms and slow time down.
And then for some reason tonight I am back to that sad depressed mood missing Isabella like crazy. I am sure it doesn't help that the walls are so thin on these houses that I can hear my neighbors baby cry all the time, usually waking up to it in the mornings. But the past weeks it has just been a few moments of sadness and then moving on, but for some reason tonight I just can't shake it.
Anyways now that I have written a book I am going to go snuggle up in bed with the husband and with Isabella's blanket and allow myself a night of sadness. Tomrrow is another day, a day to be happy and enjoy my time with Katie and Jonathan because I know how blessed I am to have them here.
Our last few days and nights in Kansas were exhausting, lol. I am so thankful for the wonderful friends we had there that helped us get that place clean. Thank you to Marshall for pretty much taking over the hole patching from Dwayne and the oil change! Thank you to Tara and her kids for helping us prime over the paint. Thank you again to Tara and Dorothea for helping us get that place clean. Those few nights really made me realize what great people we were going to have to be saying goodbye to. It was a lot harder than I thought it would be to leave Kansas. Though there wasn't much about actual Kansas I was going to miss, it was the people I didn't want to leave.
What normally is a two day drive from Fort Riley to Fort Eustis we did much faster. We got a call about 2 hours after we left that they had a house there for us. If we got there the next day,friday, we only had to pay $42 up front, if we waited until Monday we would have to pay $2200 up front. Yeah not much a choice in it for us, lol. So we drove the whole way without stopping. Or I guess I should say Dwayne drove the whole way, think he was scared to let me drive the van pulling the trailer, lol.
We get here and see the house and I just wanted to cry. I had a totally different image in my head of what the new housing would be like. Especially when I read online it had a fenced in back yard. While I loved the downstairs, the rooms are HUGE. The kitchen is awesome! The bedrooms are smaller than what we had in Kansas and well the backyard is really a fenced in patio. Now keep in mind we have a 6 month old lab/german shorthaired pointer mix dog that is used to having a yard to run around in. When I saw that "backyard" I pretty much just wanted to cry. Now I am sure it wasn't all about the yard, I am sure it was part due to the lack of sleep and just the emotional drain a move is and already missing everyone back in Kansas. I also didn't like that we no longer would have a garage or driveway for the kids to play in. Here it is like an alley way behind the houses with parking spots, no driveway or garage. Now the house has grown on me but I do still wish we had a garage, yard and somewhere for the kids to play. Our old place had a huge parking lot type of thingy, we called it a court for the kids to play in. Here they can pretty much only play in the roads. Not something I really let my kids do. But we are adjusting and I find that during the day the alley way road in the back doesn't get to much traffic so I will go sit out there and let the kids play while I am constantly screaming CAR to the kids, lol.
Now that things are somewhat normal in our household I am getting a bit depressed. Dwayne is at work and just me and the kids bored at home. There aren't really any kids their age to play with and I haven't made any friends here on post either. I met one neighbor and well she is not the type I want to be friends with, the sterotypical drama queen military wife and on the other side the lady is so not friendly. Now the houses are in rows of like 4-7 houses, ours being one of the 7 ones so there are other people around but no one ever comes out of their house. It is hard to go from sitting outside everyday talking with your friends, while the kids played with kids close to their ages to not having any other adult to talk to during the day and the kids driving you crazy and each other crazy cause they are stuck playing together constantly. Even though it will be a sad day I look forward to the day Katie starts school too, lol. They need a break from each other and she needs to be around kids her age to play with. Hopefully we can find some for Jonathan to play with too.
Today was a pretty bittersweet day. Katie finally lost that loose tooth. While I have had constant reminders recently that she is growing up, like registering her for kindergarten, buying her school supplies this was just another slap in the face. While I couldn't help but be happy for her, she was so excited anyone within a mile from us could feed off it, lol, it was still a sad moment too. They just grow up way to fast, I wish I could wrap her in my arms and slow time down.
And then for some reason tonight I am back to that sad depressed mood missing Isabella like crazy. I am sure it doesn't help that the walls are so thin on these houses that I can hear my neighbors baby cry all the time, usually waking up to it in the mornings. But the past weeks it has just been a few moments of sadness and then moving on, but for some reason tonight I just can't shake it.
Anyways now that I have written a book I am going to go snuggle up in bed with the husband and with Isabella's blanket and allow myself a night of sadness. Tomrrow is another day, a day to be happy and enjoy my time with Katie and Jonathan because I know how blessed I am to have them here.
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