Dec 26, 2009

I just want to apologoize to all my friends out there. I have been so depressed since the news of Isabella having Anencephaly that I have pretty much cut myself off from everyone. I know it is a normal part of the grieving and depression but I just feel so bad for it. I don't call any of my friends that live far away and I no longer see or talk to any of my friends in this area. Partly because it is so hard to constantly keep up the charade that everything is okay. Faking that smile and laugh is hard work. And I feel guilty for always being the "downer" in the group and bothering everyone with my sadness and depression all the time. So in my mind it is just easier to not talk to anyone. So I am sorry to everyone I am doing this to and I am hoping you can forgive me and in the long run not let it affect our friendship.

So our Christmas was okay this year. Santa was on a tight budget but I think he did okay, lol. The kids sure had no complaints, lol. Katie was actually worried that Santa might not of had enough presents left for the other kids, lol. I tried my best at being upbeat and joyous for the season but at the same time watching the kids open presents Christmas morning it really hit me how sad I was that we will never get to see that with Isabella.

I have been reading a lot of other peoples stories who also had babies with Anencephaly. I read the ones where the baby lived days or even over a month and think how wonderful that must be. I am no longer praying for a miracle for God to have her born healthy now I am just praying for a few special moments with her alive. I pray that tricare will allow us to have a c-sec since it is more likely for her to be born alive that way. With a regular birth there is a 50/50 chance of her being born alive and I want to do everything we can to try and have it that way, hopefully the doctors will agree with our "birth plan" if tircare won't allow the c-sec. We do not want my water broken or any drugs to speed along the birth like they ususally do. Right now I just dream of her being in my arms alive. I know there is a good chance of her being born still but I really don't know if I could handle that. I mean I guess I would have to if it came to it but it would be so heartbreaking. I have come to terms with everything in my mind but have no idea how to prepare my heart for it. Everyday my heart is breaking and nothing seems to help it. The stories I have read from women who have carried to term say they feel a sense of peace at the end of it, I am hoping I can feel that too.

Already though she has given me some good memories. She really makes me laugh when it comes to Dwayne. She will be moving like crazy and he will go to feel and she just stops, lol Or one night he was talking to her and laid his head on my belly and she kicked him right in the face, lol. She does not like anything interfering with her space. If he puts his arm around me in bed to hold me she will kick it off, if I lay anything on my stomach she kicks at it, lol, and so on. Every kick and movement I feel I cherish and treasure and lock it away in my memory to stay forever so I will always remember this time I have had with her.