Numb

So not much has changed since my last note. Dwayne is here now, which has been a big help. We were planning on going today to try and get his leave extended, they only gave him 15 days. But we found out everyone has a 4 day weekend so that will have to wait until Wed. I had a regular OB appointment on the 16th so we are going to see if we can keep that and use it as a time to talk to the doctor about the next steps, of course this is if we can get his leave extended. I have to admit I hate being in this position of pretty much being forced into inducing early. It makes me very angry that I don't really have a choice. If I did I would carry her to term but we are 99% sure there is no way the Army will let him stay that long. So we are just going to try and get as much time as we can and wait as long as we can to induce.

Really weird thing is before my appointment on the 2nd I hadn't really felt Isabella move. There were a few times I thought maybe I had but they never really continued or happened often so I usually just put it off to something else. I mentioned this to the doctor and he said the Anencephaly could be the reason for that. Because of the lack of brain development they are usually in a comatose state. Well I am thinking Isabella heard all this and wanted to prove them wrong cause she has been moving like crazy this week. Each day has been more and more movement and last night it was so much Dwayne was able to feel her too. It was a very bittersweet moment, one I will remember forever. To see him holding back the tears just broke my heart, but at the same time he was so happy to finally feel her. LOL he had been trying since the day he got here. I am at the point where I am cherishing every move she makes. I know it won't be much longer that I will feel her alive moving inside me. In some ways I am thankful to God for allowing me to carry this special person and feel all of this. Of course there are the times where I am also angry at him for all of this. I go from one extreme to the other.

The past few days really I have become numb. I am guessing it is a survival technique my mind and body are doing. I hate it though. I think I would rather be crying 24/7 than this. I know it is bothering Dwayne too though he isn't saying much about it. It is like I feel like I am a robot going through my daily routines with no emotions involved. I also really feel the depression kicking in. I want to sleep all the time and not get out of bed. Dwayne has been very good at letting me get as much rest as I can and cleaning and taking care of the kids. But I hate that it is this way. I think part of it is I feel like I have to be strong, I have always been this way. Whenever there has been something that has made me want to cry I always stop it telling myself I need to be strong. I think if I could just have a breakdown for a little bit I would actually feel better. I just don't know how to do that. I don't know how to let go of this feeling that I have to be strong. I know that it would be good for me to have a breakdown, I know that it would be okay in a situation like this, I just can't do it. I am just afraid of what is going to happen if I keep holding these feelings in like this. We all know there is only so much you can hold in before you explode.

We have gotten Isabella's dress and a blanket for her to use at the hospital. I almost did have a breakdown in the baby section at Walmart when we were buying her the blanket. It just isnt' fair that all I can get her is one dress and a blanket. I should be out there buying lots of outfits and blankets and strollers and all that stuff. Before going to Walmart we were out to dinner and there was person with a baby girl in front of us, was so hard to not sit there and cry in the middle of Cracker Barrel. I wonder how long it will take before I can see a baby or pregnant woman or go in a baby section in a store without feeling like my heart is literally breaking.

We have decided to have Isabella cremated and do a little memorial service for her. We haven't done much planning for it. I have never been to one for a baby and just don't know what we need to do. We are thinking instead of doing a memorial service at a funeral home getting one of the chaplins on post to do one at a church here. Really with no family or friends here it is going to just be a small simple service. Probably will just be us there. Again I am angry that I am shopping for Urns instead of baby stuff.

The really hard part is how some of our family doesn't understand how we feel. That Isabella is our daughter not just something to be "taken care of". I truthfully don't understand how anyone can carry a baby and not think of them as their child, it is just something that will always baffle me.I just hope that our family can at least learn to support us and keep their opinions on it to themselves. I don't really feel like I should have to explain myself and the decisions me and my husband make for our family. We have different beliefs and feelings and they just need to accept that and either support us or get out of our lives. In a time like this we need support not to be judged and told our decisions are wrong. I also hope that they understand that we are going to be grieving the loss of our daughter, this isn't just something we can get over right away. This will take lots of time and love and understanding from those close to us.