feelings

So since last time I wrote I am doing better. Seems the bad days are getting less often and the good days are getting more often. Tomorrow we are going to the hospital to give them the mold kits we bought so I am sure that will stir up some emotions, but that is okay. I have learned to accept whatever emotions I am feeling and that still having bad days is okay!

Right now I am more worried about my marriage. This whole thing has pushed us farther apart instead of together. Both of us have pulled so far away emotionally it is like living with a roommate not a husband and wife. I don't know what to do to bring us back together. I don't want to push him because I know people have to go through things in their own time and in their own ways but I need him back with me emotionally. I NEED to talk about it, I NEED to talk about her! And it isn't just her, he has cut off everything. He doesn't want to talk about anything, even everyday stuff. He is normally the one to help pull me out of depression, the one I can count on to go to and talk about anything. Now without him doing that I feel myself falling farther and farther down that dark hole. I know it isn't right to always expect him to save me, that sometimes I need to save him too, I just don't know how to. I have never seen him this depressed before and nothing seems to be working to pull him out of it. He is so grumpy all the time, snapping at me and the kids constantly, which is so not like him. He has no patience for anything, and he is the one known for his patience. Intimately we are also in two different places. I want nothing to do with it and that is all he wants. Both I have read are normal, just very hard when we are both in different places. Makes me feel like he only thinks I am good for one thing and I am sure I make him feel like I don't want him anymore. I am just so lost and confused and don't know what to do. I seriously worry that we have pulled apart to much to get back. We have been through so much in the 10 years we have been together, overcome so many things, I just hope we can do the same with this and come out a stronger couple in the end. I just wish I knew what to do to help him and help our marriage. Maybe it is time for couples counseling again, I just don't want to start something and get comfortable with someone only to find out our compassionate reassignment has been approved and we have to move and start over again with someone different. But I am also scared that by waiting to do it will only push us even farther apart to a place where we can't fix it.

The stress the unit is causing him is only making things worse. Now they want to do a mental evaluation on him. With that they can pick 1 of three things. One is he is now deployable, the other two are med board and some kind of chapter, both will be kicking him out of the Army. They are doing this because the Sergent Major is coming home on R&R and they are scared of him for some reason. If he should happen to show up at the unit during his R&R and just happen to ask about Dwayne they want an answer for him. I am not sure why they cause use the profile his therapist gave him as an answer though. He was also told they are pretty sure if he isn't deployable and somehow gets out of the med board and chapter that the sergent major will find anyway he can to kick him out. Another reason we need this compassionate reassignment and to get away from this unit ASAP! They feel like if you aren't depolyed you need to be kicked out, they don't believe in giving people time to heal and get better. It isn't like he is one of those soldiers who try to get out of everything. He is always one of the first to volunteer to do stuff, he has already been through 2 deployments and never once tried to get out of them, he never tried to get out of any of the field time or any other kind of training. This is the first time he has ever caused any kind of "trouble", that is how they see it, and instead of standing by their soldier and helping him out in a time of need they want to just get rid of the problem. I know all this is only stressing him out more, but it is also stressing me out! I am just so tired of fighting this unit, that is all we have had to do since Isabella's diagnosis, we have had to fight for everything. But I am not giving up, this unit has started a war and we are going to win it! We have won all the battles before now and we will win this one and end this! I just hope we can both survive it and still have our marriage intact by the end of it.