May 6, 2010

So Dwayne had CQ again today, that is a 24 hour duty. He is the NCO of CQ so he will be doing it every 4 days from now on. He does get two days off after it so that part is good, though I am sure soon I will be going crazy having him home so much, lol. He was supposed to have it on Mother's Day but luckily was able to find someone to cover for him. I am not looking forward to mother's day this year so happy he will be able to be home for it. Hopefully that will help some.

These nights with him working suck. I have nothing to keep my mind from wondering to depressing things. I had a great day today with the kids and was looking forward to a nice relaxing night to myself to veg out infront of the tv and catch up with my DVR. After a few shows I ended up watching the Duggars. This used to be one of my favorite shows. I just love that family, there is just something about them you can't help but love, lol. But ever since Isabella I haven't been able to watch that show. I thought I was up to it tonight. Nope, I was wrong. They were talking about how their premature baby was the hardest thing their family has ever had to go through. I understand that it is hard and can be scary and I feel for them. But at the same time I was yelling at the tv like some lunatic about how lucky they are to have her alive and be able to hold her and feed her and love on her and watch her grow up. I know their faith in God and I am sure they thank him everyday for her being alive and getting healthier everyday. I have no hate or anger towards them really. But I can't help but feel it isn't fair. I thought by now I would be over this angry and life is unfair part of the grieving, and most of the time I am. Then something out of nowhere triggers it. I never know what it is going to be.

I wish I could figure it out so I could prepare for it. This past tuesday at Jonathan's Wiggles n Giggles class I had to leave. A mother that hadn't been there before showed up with her toddler and her baby. I thought I had gotten better about being around babies, especially after Dwayne's unit SHE-IB thing. Maybe because up until then it had been a "safe" place and I wasn't expected it so it caught me off guard. I am not sure. I felt so bad that I let it come between our time with Jonathan. Of course Jonathan didn't even notice or seem to care, lol, but it still bothered me, as his mother I should have been out there with him. But yet in other situations I am getting better. One of the mother's at Katie's school with the baby only a week or two older than what Isabella would be I have talked to and even smiled at recently. Maybe because I see that baby 5 times a week I am getting used to it, I don't know. I wish I could just figure it all out.

I also hate how I come on here always sounding depressed. I am not depressed 24/7. Most days I am usually okay. Life still goes on. I laugh and smile all the time throughout the day. There is still joy in my life. It is just every once in awhile that something hits me out of nowhere and I get sad for a little bit. Usually I can push it away and get on with my day. Usually I can pretend it isn't there. I guess with me being alone tonight I didn't have to pretend. I could let it out and then let life go on. I guess I need to learn to do that everytime. Maybe if I let it out when it hits me and then move on it won't build up and explode to where it can ruin a big chunk of my day or where I take it out on others.

Well of to bed for me, even though I miss my husband I have to admit it is nice to have the bed to myself every once in awhile :) Nothing like sleeping in the middle of the bed spreading out and no fighting for covers :)