Subconscience & Worries

It is so crazy how our brains work. This past week I have been an emotional wreck and just couldn't figure out why. I just kept putting it off to pregnancy hormones even though I knew there had to be more to do with it than that because it has just been so bad. I didn't look into it to much because ever since Isabella's birthday things have been looking up. I hadn't been having many sad moments or days. It was like teh storm cloud had finally moved on to somewhere else.

Then yesterday while I was sitting at the computer I looked at the little calendar thingy for something and it hit me that it was the 1 year anniversary of Isabella's due date. I guess I had been ignoring the fact that it was coming up. What is really crazy is the night before we had just been talking about how if she had been healthy and born in March Dwayne wouldn't have been able to come home for her birth since their deployment was shortened and their homecoming was in April. It didn't even hit me then that hey the due date is near.

Also I am 33 weeks along in this pregnancy, which is when I was induced with Isabella. Even though I knew I was 33 weeks, I couldn't admit it. It was like I was going to stay 32 weeks for 2 weeks and then go to 34 weeks, lol. Even at the doctor yesterday I kept saying I was 32 weeks, they had to keep correcting me.

It was like I was blocking all of that, stopping myself from thinking about it and remembering it, even though I wasn't doing it on purpose. After the realization of those two things yesterday I really understood what has been going on with my emotions this past week and it makes a lot more sense! What is really weird is once I made the connections I actually started to feel better. Maybe it was just because now I had a reason for my behavior, I am not sure. I am happy though that I was able to handle the realizations without any kind of break down. Maybe I am finally on the otherside of the grieving process. Of course there will be days and times I still get sad, it will be that way until I join my daughter in Heaven. But I am hoping now I will be able to handle those times better now.

I had mentioned before how when I found out I was having a girl I was worried about how I would deal with buying girl things and such. I have to say it has been completly different than I thought. I haven't had any problems with shopping for Hannah, no breakdowns in the store or at home. While it is hard to seperate the grief from the pregnancy, they are so interwined, I am able to seperate Isabella from Hannah. They are two different people. Even though I am sad I missed out on doing all of this for Isabella it doesn't take away the joy from doing this for Hannah. Even though this isn't some major thing it does take away some of my other worries. I think since so far I am okay with all the girly things then I really think I won't let my grief for Isabella interfere with my love for Hannah once she is here and comes home with us. I have read how other women have almost held it against the next baby, not on purpose it is just something they couldn't help, so that was something I was really worried about. That worry has pretty much almost gone away.

This pregnancy has been so full of worries so it is so nice when some of them start to go away! As a mother I would worry anyways but after a neonatal loss you worry even more for your living children and the pregnancies that come after it. A veil is lifted from your eyes and you know you are no longer protected from bad things happening in your life like you thought you were. Stuff doesn't just happen to other people anymore.

I am not saying I don't have any more worries because I do. Some will go away once Hannah is born, some will go away when I bring her home, some will go away as she gets older, but most will never go away. Again us mothers worry constantly about our children, so I will always be worried about her. But I can't wait until I can hold her in my arms and then bring her home. Right now those are my biggest worries, that they have missed something on the ultrasounds or something will happen during the birth or shortly after. As the due date approaches I get more excited but I also get more nervous and scared. Which all us baby loss moms know is normal. I just can't wait to be able to say those worries are in the past!

I pray things continue to look up in my grieving process and that I can continue to say goodbye to some of these worries that have been hanging over my head. Today I am thinking about how much I look forward to telling Hannah all about her big sister who is an angel looking down on her. She will grow up knowing she she has three siblings here on earth to watch out for her and one in Heaven watching down on her, she will be one protected little sister :) She will also grow up knowing how much we love her sister but also how much she herself was wanted and is loved.