Friday, January 28, 2011


Can time move any slower? I swear this month is just dragging by! Last year when I wanted it to slow down it flew by. Of course this year when I wanted it to fly by it is moving slower than a snail!

I just want this month and now this week to be over with. I am tired of the depression leading up to her angelversary. I sit here everyday thinking about this week last year. What a crazy week it was. At the beginning of the week I never expected it to be anything like it was. It started out with a follow up appointment at OB after being in the ER for my asthma that weekend. I thought I would be prescribed some steroids, maybe given another breathing treatment and sent home. However instead we had to pick a date for induction. The extra fluid is what was causing my asthma to act up, and me not being able to breath. I look back and feel guilty thinking I chose myself over Isabella. But at the same time I know every time I was short on breath it was causing lack of oxygen to her too, which wasn't good. My only prayer, dream, wish at that point in my pregnancy was her being born alive, if we had waited that might not have happened. Of course inducing at 33 weeks it wasn't guaranteed but it was more likely. Not to mention the danger the extra fluid could cause. It was highly likely I could have a placenta abruption which wasn't safe for me or Isabella. Anyways I never expected to be having to make that decision. I guess even at that point I still had some of that pregnancy innocence I now envy, I guess even with the extra fluid I thought I would continue in the pregnancy until labor naturally started or I went past 40 weeks.

I remember leaving the hospital in a haze, it not really hitting me what we had just done. All I could think was we had to find Isabella a dress. Sadly we couldn't find one, but luckily I still had the one we had bought when I thought we were inducing at 20 some weeks. I still remember telling the doctor that we couldn't induce that day because I had to go buy her a dress, I am sure he probably thought I was crazy. But that is one of the reasons we waited until Friday to induce. We also decided to not do it that day because Katie's birthday was the day before and I just didn't want the two right next to each other, I didn't think it would be fair to her. I knew that day would be hard for me for years to come and didn't want it to put a damper on her birthday too.

So we left the hospital with the intention to buy a dress and get everything else we needed for her birth. Well those plans changed a little when the following day my husband blacked out and totaled our van. They never found out why he blacked out but it was guessed to be due to stress. And that makes complete sense with everything that was going on. He flipped over our van on a busy road on Fort Riley. So our next couple days were busy with the insurance company and trying to get a rental car set up.

Before we knew it Friday was there. I swear we blinked and that week was over. We were late getting to the hospital for the induction that morning. It was all my fault though I am not sure why I did it. I guess maybe for an extra couple of hours with her? Who knows. The following morning, on January 30th 2010 at 10:53 am, we welcomed her into our arms and then a few minutes later into Jesus' arms.

It is just so crazy to think how fast that whole pregnancy went, how fast that week went by. I know no matter how much time I would have gotten with her in my tummy and in my arms it would never have been enough time.

Friday, January 21, 2011

Starting Over???

As we near the one year anniversary of Isabella's birth and passing it feels like I am starting all over in the grieving process. All those raw emotions you first feel are coming flooding back to me. I am constantly on the verge of tears. Depression feels like it is taking over again where I don't feel like doing anything and don't feel like socializing with anyone. I have read this is normal but yet for some reason didn't think it would happen to me. I had been doing so good with everything. But yet here I sit wanting to cry, scream, yell, hit something, just wanting to bust with all of these emotions I can't control! I find myself asking all those "why" questions again and again getting angry at God for not healing her. I should be planning her 1st birthay party, not planning how we are going to honor her memory on her 1st birthday. I should be out buying her birthday presents not items to donate to the hospital for other baby loss families. I should be bragging to everyone about the first steps she has just taken or is about to take. There should be tons of pictures that I have taken to remember this 1st year by, yet all I have is one folder of pictures taken on one day at the hospital.

I am trying to stay positive, trying to focus on the things in our lives to be thankful for. But it is so hard. So hard when all I want to do is hold my daughter again, hear her laugh and cry, watch her grow up!!! I want to be stressing over how I am going care for a 1 year old and an infant along with Katie and Jonathan. I should be going through Isabella's things figuring out what Hannah will be able to use. We should be getting ready to move Isabella into a toddler bed so Hannah could use her crib.

I know life isn't fair but yet all I can think over and over again is IT ISN'T FAIR!! I should have my baby here with me!!!I thought I was passed this part, I really am not sure I am strong enough to go through it again. I miss her, I miss her so much. My heart is literally breaking, my arms are litearlly aching to hold her again, my lips are aching to kiss her, my ears are aching to hear her cries and laughs. Plain and simple, I want my daughter back, I am a selfish human being and I want my daughter with me where she belongs!