Been awhile since I have been on here. I have been telling myself I have just been to busy between Hannah, Katie home on summer break and trying to get the house clean. The truth is I have been avoiding it, I haven't wanted to face the emotions it would bring up.
When I started this blog I made a promise to myself that I would be 100% honest with my emotions on here, that I wouldn't come here and fake it like I do in real life. So I guess I haven't been up to being honest with myself, and others.
I can admit in most ways things have gotten better. I am in a much better part of the grieving process now. I am not always on the verge of tears, I can talk about Isabella without getting sad, in fact it makes me very happy to talk about her! Now it seems more like once in a blue moon do I get down, and from everything I have read it will be that way until the day I join Isabella in Heaven.
With Hannah here now things are different. For one she keeps me so busy I don't have time to sit and dwell on my grief, lol. But seriously how can I look at her and not think of Isabella? This doesn't happen every time I look at her but there will be times she will remind me of her. She looks so much like her big sister Isabella. Of course I also look at her and wonder if Isabella would have a similar personality, would she have done the milestones around the same time. But it doesn't usually make me sad to think of this stuff, which I guess is a real good thing. Sometimes I will sit and rock Hannah and tell her all about her big sister, I hope as she gets older she doesn't get tired of hearing the same stories over and over, lol. And there have been a handful of times I just start crying while holding her and it is almost like she comforts me. Very weird since I am the one that is supposed to be comforting her. I also tell her all the time now much we love her and wanted her, she is her own person, she is in no way a replacement for Isabella. Right now of course I get no response back besides smiles, coos or sometimes a burp, lol.
What I find really weird is it is still hard for me to be around other babies and pregnant women. I really thought after I had Hannah that would go away. It is easier to be around them, I am no longer holding back the tears, but it hasn't completely gone away. Maybe it never will.
I think all in all I am in a much better, healthier place. And really I think Hannah might have helped me get there. She is such a reminder of all the good things in life, a reminder that the Lord still is blessing us and sending miracles our way! Isabella taught me all that too and it is like she sent Hannah to be a constant reminder of it.