Thursday, July 22, 2010

Another Hurdle Crossed

So recently I have become very comfortable being around our neighbors baby. She is 3 months old so I think it has been easier because she is younger than what Isabella would be. The only times I get uncomfortable is when she starts to cry, not sure why the cry of a baby still gets me pretty bad. There has also been one or two times when people are cooing over her and I can't help but think I should have my baby there to show off too! Luckily my other neighbor is very understanding of what we are going through and I can tell she tries not to do things with the baby that might hurt or upset us. Another one of our neighbors isn't as kind about it, I know she doesn't do it to be mean, she just doesn't realize everything we went through I guess.

So anyways a few days ago I had mentioned to my neighbor Tara, the one that is understanding, that I had thought about asking to hold the baby. Well yesterday Tara had asked to hold the baby, the first time she had done it in infront of us again I am sure because of our feelings. Well she then asked me if I wanted to. I said yes. The minute I got her in my arms I wanted to break down, Tara saw this on my face asking if she should take the baby back. I said no and worked through it. I don't break down emotionally in front of people so since we were sitting out front with the neighbors around I held it in. I am glad I did. After a little bit I was able to enjoy holding her and laughing at the normal baby things. There was still heartache, especially when I was playing with her hands and feet. They reminded me so much of Isabella's. Especially considering they weren't much bigger, lol. Isabella had huge hands and feet, she would have been a big girl. I know I probably would have never gotten the nerve up to ask to hold her so I am happy Tara did that for me. I will forever be thankful for her doing that, lol last night we were calling it therapy. If it had been up to me I might have never held another baby until I had another of my own.

After I got done holding her I passed her over to Dwayne. He seemed to handle it better than I did, but we all know how easy it is for guys to hold that kind of stuff in. We never had a chance to talk about it last night but I hope it helped him as much as it helped me.

Thank you Tara for being such a great friend and for always being understanding about our feelings, I know you had been dying to hold that baby :) And thank you for "pushing' me to do that but also willing to take her back if I couldn't handle it. And a big thank you for always being willing to talk about Isabella and always asking us numerous questions about her. You help us carry on her memory and I will forever be greatful for that.

I Will Not Say Goodbye by Danny Gokey

Someone posted the lyrics of this song on their blog and wow did they ever describe how I feel somedays. I went straight to youtube to listen to the song and I just love it. I love how music can help us express the things we can't find the words to express ourselves. (pause music player at bottom before watching video)

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Bad Friend

I feel like such a bad friend right now. A few months ago a friend of mine found out she was having complications with her pregnancy. Her son wasn't growing and she didn't have enough aminotic fluid. While I felt bad for her I couldn't help but think in the back of my head at least your baby is going to live!

I found out just a little bit ago that she was induced today at 35 weeks, baby weighing 4lbs and something and again that thought crept into my mind. When I read peoples comments about it I just get more angry instead of more worried or sad for her. I mean yeah he is a preemie but really he isn't that small and at 35 weeks there aren't that many complications that can happen. Yes I am sorry this happened to her but again I KNOW it could be A LOT worse! I want to scream to people to stop feeling sorry for her and be happy for her. Be happy that the complications weren't life threatening, be happy that she can bring her baby home and watch him grow up.

I don't know how to be there for her because I feel this way. All I want to do is tell her how lucky she is. I feel horrible that I feel this way but I can't seem to help it.

Friday, July 16, 2010

Jealousy, Envy, Longing???

I am not sure which word to use to describe some of the feelings I have had recently. I see on other peoples blogs where they have family members and friends that help keep the memory of their baby alive, I wish we had people like that in our lives. They are given gifts with their babies names engraved on it or a verse that means something special to them and the situation. They have people make things and write out the baby name, or even something as simple as writing the babies name in sand and taking a picture of it. It isn't the fact that they are given gifts that I am jealous of, because even the handmade or free simple things get to me too.

It feels like only Dwayne and I are trying to carry on her memory. Pretty much from the time she was diganosed she was already erased from some peoples memories and of course as time goes by since her birth/death the more she gets forgotten by others. Those of us who have lost a baby know how important it is for their memory to be carried on, for them to not be forgotten. Even if they were only alive for mere minutes they were alive! They were here, they were a baby a person. They had a purpose. I am sure it means so much to them that they have people to help carry on that memory to show them that their angel meant something to other people.

People think that just because she was a baby and died shortly after birth that it is different than a normal death in the family. It is NOT! We grieve for our daughter no differently than people grieve for a loss of a parent or someone else close to them. I guess I just long for people to understand what we are going through, for them to show us that Isabella meant something to them. To acknowledge that we had a daughter and that we miss her and that they too miss her. I long for people to tell us or show us how she has touched their lives, how they do think of her and of us during this time. Maybe I am wanting to much from people? I have read in the grief books how people think of losses like Isabella as no different than a miscarriage, but it is! I have had a miscarriage and I know they are hard but this is completely different.

When Isabella passed away we got two cards in the mail. One from a dear friend of mine and one from the doctors and nurses at the hospital, and then at her service we got 3 cards from friends. I am not trying to be ungrateful at all. I am so thankful for the people who came to her service, I guess I just want her to be remembered long after her service.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010


So as I mentioned before we had new neighbors move in, and they have a baby, a 3 month old. Yesterday was the first time I had to face it for any length of time. Usually just the husband comes and hangs out with us, but last night the wife and baby did to. And I must say I did okay. I wasn't good or great but I wasn't heartbroken or depressed either. I would "sneak" looks at the baby and actually smile at how cute she was instead of my normal trying to hide or hold back the tears. I was actually going to get the nerve up to ask to hold her, mainly to test myself, but realized the baby had fallen asleep.

I have to say I am very proud of myself. Instead of running inside when I saw her coming out with the baby I made myself face it, and it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Maybe because she is younger than what Isabella would be. I am sure if she was around 5 months old it would have been a bit harder. Hopefully this means I am slowly getting over this last mountain of grief.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

To induce or not...

Recently I have been asked quite a bit how we made our choice to carry to term, though we didn't make it to term for medical reasons that was our wish. For us we didn't have a choice. The military hospital will not induce nor will our insurance cover one without a medical reason for needing it. Anencephaly is not considered a medical reason. Isabella still had a heartbeat and neither me or her were in any danger when she was diagnosed.

At first I did want to induce. My husband was home on emergency leave from Iraq and only had about a month home with us, after getting the orginal 2 weeks extended. I wanted him to be able to say hello and goodbye to her. To have a chance to hold her and see her beautiful face. To be there for me and the family for the shortwhile he was allowed.

In my heart I wanted to carry her to term but didn't want to deny my husband what he deserved. Then we found out we couldn't induce. Our hearts were broken because he wouldn't be there for the birth, to see his daughter to love on her. To do everything a father is supposed to do when their baby is born, especially when the baby won't live. After lots of fighting with the Army they let him stay. Despite knowing my daughter was going to die I was happy again. I could carry her in my tummy for as long as God allowed. I would feel her move and get all those months to talk to her. I would have my husband there for the birth and he would get to meet her and make memories with her.

So for me there wasn't a choice. But even if I had one and my husband had been home I would have carried her to term. I can't tell anyone what to do in that situation. It is a personal choice you have to make with yourself and your spouse. You have to decide what is best for your family.

For me personally an induction is no different than an abortion. Now that being said I do NOT judge anyone that has induced, because every person and situation is different. That is just my personal belief for myself. If Dwayne hadn't been able to stay I might have done it. But I know I would have regretted it forever. I would have regretted those months I would have missed out with her living inside of me. I would have regretted missing out on the memories we made with her. I would have regretted those months of letting her know how much we loved her. The time she was in my tummy was probably some of the most precious moments in my life. I treasure them so much. I now can't imagine my life without it. She has changed me and my family in so many ways, taught us so many things. She has shown me what true love is. Something I read online has always stuck with me. There are people who induce that regret it but you never hear of anyone carrying to term that regret it.

If you are in the situation where you are having to make this hard decision, first I am sorry you are having to do that and second don't make any decisions right away. Don't feel forced by the doctors to decide on the spot or even in a couple days. Take your time. Do some research. Think long and hard about your personal beliefs and what is best for your family. Do not let anyone push you into anything you do not want to do or feel guilty about the choice you are making. You are the only one that knows what is best for you.

My personal belief is that God gave us these special babies to love and take care of until he is ready for them to come home to him. Who am I to question God and go against his wishes? I believe that God doesn't give us more than we can handle, because with him we can handle anything.

Saturday, July 10, 2010


Isabella was born and passed away on a Saturday. For a couple months afterwards I hated Saturday's. I wish I could just sleep right through them. Now 23 weeks later it isn't that bad. While I still remember the birth and death every saturday it doesn't affect my life very much. I kind of have a little silent moment every morning and then get on with my day. And there are sometimes through out the day I will feel a wave of saddness rush over me but it passes pretty fast. We stay pretty busy on the weekends doing lots of family activities and that helps a lot. Isabella has taught me how precious life is and how special it is to have the family we have. So I try to honor her memory by enjoying this life and my family. Today we will be going to the pool with our friend and her kids and I know Isabella will be looking down on us smiling. She will be happy to see we are enjoying life and enjoying each other as a family.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Making the right choice?

I sit here and wonder if we have made the right choice to do the compassionate reassignment and move. All the grief books say to not make any big decisions, like moving, right away, to wait at least a year. We put in the paperwork right after Dwayne's leave in March to move. We didn't wait the year. But most people who lose someone already live near family. We are a two day drive away from family. We didn't have the support of loved ones in the area during the hardest time.

I have hated Kansas from the time we got here. And almsot four years later I still hate it here. I am a southern girl and don't like the midwest one bit, lol. But at the same time this is the only place we have with memories made with Isabella. It was at this desk, in this chair when I had to tell Dwayne over the phone what was going on. It was in this room on the couch where Dwayne felt Isabella move for the first time. We have so many memories of when I was pregnant with Isabella in this house. It was at the hospital here where we both first heard Isabella's heartbeat, me before the diagnosis and Dwayne after. It was in this hospital where Dwayne first saw Isabella on the sonogram and where we met her and said goodbye to her.

But while we have the memories here we also have the constant reminder of what we lost. Everytime I look up the stairs or go up the stairs I see that empty room that was supposed to be a nursery. Everytime I sit in the recliner I think of all the times I daydreamed of rocking my baby to sleep in that chair. Everytime I have to go to the hospital for something, here that is where you go for regular appointments, I am reminded of having to say goodbye to her.

The thing is by moving I will be leaving behind the few things I do have of Isabella. But will the "bad" things actually go away by moving? We will be getting a 4 bedroom place in VA so we will still have an empty room we will have to use for something else, it will still remind me that room should be a nursery. That chair I was supposed to rock her in will be coming to VA with us so I will still think of that when I sit down in it. At all the family events I will be thinking about how I should be showing off my daughter to family, passing her around for everyone to hold and meet her.

I don't think by leaving here our hard times will be over. I think that by moving closer to family and friends that love us and care for us will help us move forward during these hard times. I know that our memories of Isabella will always be with us no matter where we live. Even if we stay here eventually the Army would move us and we would have to leave this place. So I guess it is better we do it and can go to where our family and friends are than take the chance of the Army moving us even farther away from everyone. I know in my heart it will be better to be back home with everyone, but at the same time my heart thinks of this place as Isabella's home and it is going to be hard to leave it.

Tag made for me

A woman named Katie who I don't know personally or even at all online made this for me. I am a fan of her page on facebook, . I just wanted to share it here for everyone to see. It is always so nice to see her picture and name on things.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Before The Morning

A family member put up a few of the lyrics of this song as her status earlier today and it really spoke to me. Here are the lyrics she put:

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming.

Right away those words spoke to me, pulled at my heart. I went and listened to the song and wow, it was just what I was needing to hear. The weather the past couple days have been making me pretty depressed, bringing up the pain and hurt from losing Isabella. This song just put that hope back in my heart.

Monday, July 5, 2010

4th of July

We have had a pretty depressing fourth of July this year. It has rained all weekend. We had so many plans with our neighbor for this weekend and we couldn't do any of them. For the first time since Isabella's birth and passing I was looking forward to a holiday so I am a bit depressed on it all being ruined. For the first time ever we didn't get to see a fireworks show. For some reason last night Junction City decided to set them off early, and we had no idea so we missed them. The kids weren't to upset because Dwayne had bought some and set them off, and the little kids loved it.

Even though Isabella isn't here I feel her in my heart and in my mind these are still her 1st holiday's. So it makes me sad her 1st fourth of July was pretty sucky, lol. I hope up in Heaven she was able to look down somewhere and see a great fireworks show.

The only good that came out of the weekend was our date afternoon. Was great to get away with just Dwayne and no kids. We went out to lunch and then to see Eclipse. Living so far from family we don't get many dates so we cherish the few we get. Tomorrow Dwayne starts the out processing he has to do with the Army to get us ready for the move. So the next few weeks are going to be crazy, lol. As of right now we are planning to leave KS and head for VA on the 1st of August, but as always with the Army things can come up and change so nothing is written in stone, lol. Hopefully everything goes smoothly and we can get out of here then. I am already stressing over the two day drive to VA with two kids, two dogs and a cat, lol. I am sure it will be an adventure I will never forget.

Friday, July 2, 2010

5 months

On June 30th it had been 5 months since Isabella was born and went home to Heaven. I had dreaded the day as it was approaching, like all the other anniversaries. But again the dread of the day was actually worse than the day. It sounds heartless to admit but no tears were shed that day. Instead it was a great day of hanging out with the neighbors and just enjoying life. I almost feel a bit guilty that there was no little moments of mourning or anything like that. But at the same time I think Isabella would be proud and happy that we are going on with life and enjoying it. I don't think she would want us to sit around sad all the time.

As the day was coming near I was thinking a lot about my other kids and how they were at 5 months and wondering how Isabella would be. Would she be like Wesley and hit the gross motor skills right on time? Or would she be like Katie and be way ahead, already crawling like a pro and starting to pull up to stand up at 5 months? Or would she have been like Jonathan and just be so laid back and lazy, lol, that she would have no desire to start that type of stuff on time? I wonder what her personality would be like. From the little time we got with her I have a feeling she would have been just as stubborn as my other three, lol. Like them she was a fighter which means she probably had a bit of a stubborn streak in her. I wonder if she would have been the cuddling loving on type like Jonathan or the more independant type like Wesley and Katie. There are so many things like that that I find myself wondering about during the few alone quiet moments I get through out the day. I find myself smiling when I think about what she might have been like. I am happy I can think of those things and be happy and not sad.

Even though I still have rough moments I think I have passed another hurdle in the grieving process. It is now very rare for my to break down crying, though I do still have sad moments it doesn't affect my life much anymore. Now if only I could get over this hurdle of my saddness around babies. We have new neighbors now and met the husband last night, the family is getting in today. He has a 2 month old baby. I already warned him how I might behave around the baby, that I am not purposely trying to be rude but that it is hard for me to be around them. Maybe living next door to a baby will help me to get over this. Maybe in the next month that we are here I will be able to start to move past this part. I am not going to be able to run away from it like I can in stores, I am not going to always be able to avoid it. I am going to have to face it head on and I really think that is what I need to get over this part. So I am just asking for people to send a few little prayers to help me to give me the strength to face this and work through this last hurdle I have.

I am really looking foward to this holiday weekend. Today Dwayne and I are going on a little afternoon date. Going to lunch and then to see Eclipse. Then on saturday Dwayne is going to be in the 4th of July parade so we are going to go see him in that and then in the afternoon going to the lake, hopefully it is no longer flooded, lol. Then Sunday we are going to a cookout at the pool and going to see the fireworks that night. Dwayne also has monday and tuesday off but haven't made any plans yet for those days. This is really our last fun weekend before we have to start everything for the move. And those of you in the military know how very stressful the moves can be so we are going to enjoy every minute of this weekend!