Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Making the right choice?

I sit here and wonder if we have made the right choice to do the compassionate reassignment and move. All the grief books say to not make any big decisions, like moving, right away, to wait at least a year. We put in the paperwork right after Dwayne's leave in March to move. We didn't wait the year. But most people who lose someone already live near family. We are a two day drive away from family. We didn't have the support of loved ones in the area during the hardest time.

I have hated Kansas from the time we got here. And almsot four years later I still hate it here. I am a southern girl and don't like the midwest one bit, lol. But at the same time this is the only place we have with memories made with Isabella. It was at this desk, in this chair when I had to tell Dwayne over the phone what was going on. It was in this room on the couch where Dwayne felt Isabella move for the first time. We have so many memories of when I was pregnant with Isabella in this house. It was at the hospital here where we both first heard Isabella's heartbeat, me before the diagnosis and Dwayne after. It was in this hospital where Dwayne first saw Isabella on the sonogram and where we met her and said goodbye to her.

But while we have the memories here we also have the constant reminder of what we lost. Everytime I look up the stairs or go up the stairs I see that empty room that was supposed to be a nursery. Everytime I sit in the recliner I think of all the times I daydreamed of rocking my baby to sleep in that chair. Everytime I have to go to the hospital for something, here that is where you go for regular appointments, I am reminded of having to say goodbye to her.

The thing is by moving I will be leaving behind the few things I do have of Isabella. But will the "bad" things actually go away by moving? We will be getting a 4 bedroom place in VA so we will still have an empty room we will have to use for something else, it will still remind me that room should be a nursery. That chair I was supposed to rock her in will be coming to VA with us so I will still think of that when I sit down in it. At all the family events I will be thinking about how I should be showing off my daughter to family, passing her around for everyone to hold and meet her.

I don't think by leaving here our hard times will be over. I think that by moving closer to family and friends that love us and care for us will help us move forward during these hard times. I know that our memories of Isabella will always be with us no matter where we live. Even if we stay here eventually the Army would move us and we would have to leave this place. So I guess it is better we do it and can go to where our family and friends are than take the chance of the Army moving us even farther away from everyone. I know in my heart it will be better to be back home with everyone, but at the same time my heart thinks of this place as Isabella's home and it is going to be hard to leave it.


  1. she is a beautiful angel sweety i know she is watching over her family and is great friends with my angels
    hugs and angel smoochies from me and my angels ryan(cdh) and jesse(anencephaly)

  2. I should have read a grief book, I have made a lot of big changes and it's only been 8 weeks. You know when you are ready and it sounds like this move will be good for all of you. Isabella's home was with you and anywhere you are, that is where she will be.
    Good luck on your move, I'm sure you will have so much to get done before then!

  3. I think that whatever you decide will be right for you. The grief books also tell us that there is no right way or wrong way to grieve, so if you feel moving is the best thing then it is right because it is right for you and your family. Having a support system I think is very important, especially because sometimes we feel alone in this journey.

    Good luck on whatever you all decide to do and Isabella will be with you wherever you go. Sending you many hugs.