Dreams

Over the past 3, almost 4 years, I have seen where other baby loss moms have had dreams or felt their little one visiting them. While I was happy for them it always left me feeling a little sad. I never had a dream about Isabella much less one where it felt like she came to me in a dream. While we have had pictures that had some amazing orbs in them I have never felt her around me or felt like she was sending me signs she was here with us.

I would tell myself that this is a good thing. That it meant she was ready to go to Heaven and had no business left here on Earth. That it meant she knew she was loved and felt comfortable leaving us to join her family and Jesus in Heaven. It is hard to tell myself that stuff because I am true believer in spirits visiting us from Heaven. I believe they can come to comfort us in times of need, to help guide us in the right directions in life and for many other reasons. I believe God sends them to us. My dad passed away in 1998 while I have never felt him around me he has visited me in my dreams many times. The dreams were always very life like. We would talk like we would when he was still here on Earth with me. He would give me advice or just be there for me during hard times. Again I felt that God sent him to speak to me in my dreams.

Well about a month ago I FINALLY had a dream about Isabella, and I truly believe she came to me in my dreams. She showed me she was healed and that she was surrounded by people that love her, that she is okay now. Actually, better than okay.  In my dream I got to hold her again, and finally hear her laugh and cry. In my dream we were surrounded by family, and not just the ones who have already passed but those still living. It was like a vision of when we are all together again in Heaven. I truly hope it was. It was such a peaceful and happy place, just how I envision Heaven to be.

This time of year is always hard for me. Between Halloween and her birthday in January are the hardest days. But for some reason this year has been worse than the past couple of years. I guess either her and God knew I needed her at this time. I needed to see her healed and happy. I needed to be reminded that one day I will be with her again, loving on her and holding her like I wish I could do in this lifetime. When I woke up that morning I could still feel the weight of her in my arms, I could still feel that pure joy and happiness I felt in the dream. I can't even put into words how I felt. So now a month later when I start feeling that sadness creep up I remember that dream, I close my eyes and go back to that place and am again comforted and happy.

So thank you to God and Isabella for that, it is a gift I will treasure forever. It is a safe happy place I can go to when this roller coaster of grief starts to get too hard to handle. And from now on I will not question why she isn't visiting me. I will trust God's judgment on when the time is right. And if she never visits me again that is okay, because I know one day that dream will come true and she will be in my arms again!

4 year anniversary of D Day

So on the 2nd of November was the 4th anniversary of  "D day". "D day" is what those of us unlucky enough to be in the baby loss club call Diagnosis Day, or the day we found out about our babies fatal birth defect. I don't want to go over the whole story again. I have typed it here over and over and you have all read it over and over. It was a heart wrenching day, a day that I will NEVER forget. It was the absolute worst day of my life

And every year a few days before Halloween I start feeling those emotions all over again. It seems that every year the anniversary of her birth and death get easier but D Day seems to hurt just as much every year. It also brings up the anger I am able to forget for the rest of the year. The anger I had towards certain people, the anger I had at the Army, the anger I had at God. So from around the 28th of October until around the 6th of November I not a happy person.

 This year was pretty hard compared to the past couple years. I am just so tired of going through this alone. But I started out on this path alone at the doctors that day I and guess I will have to continue it alone until I get to be with her again in Heaven.

I just hope one day this day won't be so hard. That I will be able to concentrate on the good things from that day. Like seeing her for the first time on ultrasound or feeling her move for the first time on the ride home. Those are things most parents get to be happy about. I wish I had been able to drive home from the doctor that day with a smile on my face from seeing her and feeling her instead of tears in my eyes knowing when I met her for the first time I would also have to say goodbye to her. There are so many things I wish I could change about that day. But I can't. This is now my life, a life I wouldn't wish on even my worst enemy. A life that while filled with joy if you look close enough you will still see a little bit of sadness in the background.

Even 4 years later I sit here with tears in my eyes thinking I just want my daughter, I want her here with me, healthy and happy.