Tuesday, November 12, 2013

4 year anniversary of D Day

So on the 2nd of November was the 4th anniversary of  "D day". "D day" is what those of us unlucky enough to be in the baby loss club call Diagnosis Day, or the day we found out about our babies fatal birth defect. I don't want to go over the whole story again. I have typed it here over and over and you have all read it over and over. It was a heart wrenching day, a day that I will NEVER forget. It was the absolute worst day of my life

And every year a few days before Halloween I start feeling those emotions all over again. It seems that every year the anniversary of her birth and death get easier but D Day seems to hurt just as much every year. It also brings up the anger I am able to forget for the rest of the year. The anger I had towards certain people, the anger I had at the Army, the anger I had at God. So from around the 28th of October until around the 6th of November I not a happy person.

 This year was pretty hard compared to the past couple years. I am just so tired of going through this alone. But I started out on this path alone at the doctors that day I and guess I will have to continue it alone until I get to be with her again in Heaven.

I just hope one day this day won't be so hard. That I will be able to concentrate on the good things from that day. Like seeing her for the first time on ultrasound or feeling her move for the first time on the ride home. Those are things most parents get to be happy about. I wish I had been able to drive home from the doctor that day with a smile on my face from seeing her and feeling her instead of tears in my eyes knowing when I met her for the first time I would also have to say goodbye to her. There are so many things I wish I could change about that day. But I can't. This is now my life, a life I wouldn't wish on even my worst enemy. A life that while filled with joy if you look close enough you will still see a little bit of sadness in the background.

Even 4 years later I sit here with tears in my eyes thinking I just want my daughter, I want her here with me, healthy and happy.

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