Growing up I was always a night owl. But as I got older I needed my sleep, I loved to sleep is more like it, lol. But I have found that ever since I had Isabella I suffer badly from insomnia. At first I really hated it because it would remind me that I should be up taking care of a baby, not crying over the baby I lost. And as the years have gone by I still can't sleep. I am no longer up at night crying. I am not going to lie, usually I am up watching something on Netflix. The past few weeks it was X-files. Though I have finished all those seasons so time to find a new show :)
I don't know if I have just gotten in habit of staying up at night or if it still has something to do with the grieving process. I do know that I HATE it. And it isn't like I finally get so tired that one night I fall asleep at the right time and get back on a schedule. If I should happen to fall asleep at a normal time I wake up around 3-4 am, wide awake. When I don't go to sleep at a normal time then it is usually between 5-6 that I finally fall asleep. Most mornings I am still awake and able to give Dwayne a goodbye kiss before he goes off to PT around 6:00.
Lucky for me I have an amazing husband who comes back home after PT and puts the kids on the bus since usually by bus time I am passed out. And luckily Miss Hannah usually sleeps until around 10 so I can get a few hours of sleep. Though she does like to mess with Mommy sometimes and get up around 8, those mornings make for long days, lol.
I just wish I could figure out what is causing this so I could fix it. I will be so tired and want to sleep so bad that I can't. I will end up waking Dwayne up from crying because I am so upset that I can't fall asleep. I have tried every trick in the book besides prescription drugs. I will NOT take a sleeping pill. Dwayne is already a zombie at night from all his PTSD, anxiety, depression and ADD drugs that I am scared to take something too. What if something happens to the kids at night and neither of us are able to care for them or drive them to the hospital if needed. So minus prescription drugs I haven't found anything that will work. I have tried natural sleep meds, like melatonin and I have tried all the PM stuff from tylenol to advil even the generic version. So anyways if you have any suggestions please let me know because I am out of ideas.
Since Isabella's passing I have read a lot of things on grieving and I haven't come across where this is normal. At first it is but almost 3 years later??? No I haven't found that yet, so if you are another BLM and have this problem please let me know, I would love to not feel so alone. And if you are another BLM and had this problem but were able to stop please let me know the secret, lol.
So now I am going to go lay back down and try yet again to go back to sleep. I have to be up early in the morning tomorrow and will need my energy for our fun day that we have planned. I pray that I will go lay down, close my eyes, and actually fall asleep.