Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Can we make it???

A few weeks after finding out Isabella's diganosis I read some statistics that said most marriages don't make it through the loss of a child. I just skimmed over them thinking that wouldn't be us. Now I wonder will we be part of those statistics? In 9 days it will be our 10 year wedding anniversary and it breaks my heart to think it might be our last one.

Up until a couple of months ago I thought things were going good. I mean of course we had our issues, what marriage doesn't? But things are spiraling out of control very fast. My husband has held things in all this time and has been hiding his depression for so long now. And of course for some reason like most men he can't accept the fact that maybe he might need help. I have done everything I can to help him through this but it is out of my hands. I don't want to give up on us, but it feels like he already has.

I pray and I hope we won't become one of the statistics, and I ask for prayers from you all that we make it through this.

Thursday, August 18, 2011


First off let me explain I am in NO way saying sorry for the way I feel. My father raised me to accept my feelings for what they are. He always told me you can't help how you feel. He also taught me to get my feelings out. I have many memories of him holding me when I was a child and crying and just telling me to let it out, to get it all out. To this day I still do that. I get my feelings out and then am able to move on. Like I said in my last post if I kept holding on to them they would fester and breed hatred in my heart, that is not something I want nor it is healthy for me. So like my Dad taught me I got my feelings out and then I handed them over to God. It is out of my hands now.
I do want to say sorry to a few people that my post may have hurt. I have had some wonderful friends and a cousin who have been there for me and I know haven't forgotten Isabella. They are always around to talk whenever I want and have no problems talking or listening to me talk about Isabella. I have also met some wonderful moms and dads online who have gone through the same thing and I know they remember Isabella the same way I remember their sweet angels. So those people I am sorry if my post hurt you and please know that I am very thankful for your friendship.
One final thing I need to say. Just because I come on here every once in awhile and vent or whatever about my feelings doesn't mean I walk around 24/7 like that. In fact I live a very happy and fulfilled life. Like I have said many times Isabella taught me how very special life is and I take that seriously. I treasure every moment God gives me here on Earth with my loved ones and friends. Yes of course I miss my daughter and for some reason some people can't get it through their heads that I will always miss my daughter. The death of a child or loved one isn't something you "move on" from or "make it through". It is just something you learn to live with. Even though my heart is full of love and happiness there will always be a tiny part of it that is missing her.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011


It has been a year and a half since Isabella was born and passed away, and sadly I feel like she is already forgotten. No matter how much I stress to people how I want her memory to stay alive, they don't seem to care. I say over and over on here and in person who I want to talk about her and want others to talk about but yet hardly anyone does. It breaks my heart to know Dwayne, me and the kids are the only ones that remember her. On her 1 year angelversary we got one thing in the mail from our very wonderful friends,which I am VERY thankful for and proudly display with Isabella's stuff. Not one card from any family member, not one phone call from anyone. How sad is that?? Not only had they failed to remember my daughter, their granddaughter, niece, cousin etc, they also failed to remember me and my family and what we might have been going through.
I mean I didn't expect a big to do but yes I expected at least ONE family member to acknowledge our daughter and that special day!!! The same thing happened at Christmas too. Yes I know this is very late, it is something I have been holding in, and it is just an example of what I mean by she is forgotten. No one brings her up unless I do and then they always seem to want to change the subject right away which just hurts my feels and makes me scared to bring her up again.
I feel like they all expect me to have moved on by now. I will NEVER move on, she is and will always be my daughter and I will and always will miss her and love her. I will take every chance I have to talk about her, share her memory with people, acknowledge that she was here that she was loved and wanted.
I hear stories all the time from others where family and friends acknowledge their angels years later, do things in the angels memory, have pictures hanging up of them, say how much that angel has changed their lives. Oh how my heart wishes for that. How my heart wishes to know that Isabella's short life had a purpose outside of our little family, that she is love and missed by more than Me, Dwayne, Katie and Jonathan.
Maybe people do feel this way but they sure as heck don't tell me. That would mean they would have to mention her and that seems to have become one of the deadly sins.
I am sure this post sounds very selfish and probably mean but I don't care. It is how I am feeling and how I have been feeling for awhile. For me to come to terms with this stuff I have to get it out. The longer I hold it in the longer it will fester and cause more hatred to build up in my heart. Maybe if people had actually come to the hospital and seen and held her it would be different. Maybe they are going by the old saying out of sight out of mind? Who knows. All I know is I carried her in my tummy for 33 weeks, I gave birth to her and held her in my arms during her short life, I was there with her when she went home to Jesus and our other family members up there. I know she was real and I know this pain I feel in my heart is real. But the joy I feel in my heart when she is talked about and remember is also real and it can make that pain just a little more bearable. I truthfully don't understand how anyone could forget or choose to ignore and pretend it didn't happen, I just can't even fathom that. I really don't think I am asking for too much when all I am asking for is my daughter to be remembered.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Been awhile...

Been awhile since I have been on here. I have been telling myself I have just been to busy between Hannah, Katie home on summer break and trying to get the house clean. The truth is I have been avoiding it, I haven't wanted to face the emotions it would bring up.

When I started this blog I made a promise to myself that I would be 100% honest with my emotions on here, that I wouldn't come here and fake it like I do in real life. So I guess I haven't been up to being honest with myself, and others.

I can admit in most ways things have gotten better. I am in a much better part of the grieving process now. I am not always on the verge of tears, I can talk about Isabella without getting sad, in fact it makes me very happy to talk about her! Now it seems more like once in a blue moon do I get down, and from everything I have read it will be that way until the day I join Isabella in Heaven.

With Hannah here now things are different. For one she keeps me so busy I don't have time to sit and dwell on my grief, lol. But seriously how can I look at her and not think of Isabella? This doesn't happen every time I look at her but there will be times she will remind me of her. She looks so much like her big sister Isabella. Of course I also look at her and wonder if Isabella would have a similar personality, would she have done the milestones around the same time. But it doesn't usually make me sad to think of this stuff, which I guess is a real good thing. Sometimes I will sit and rock Hannah and tell her all about her big sister, I hope as she gets older she doesn't get tired of hearing the same stories over and over, lol. And there have been a handful of times I just start crying while holding her and it is almost like she comforts me. Very weird since I am the one that is supposed to be comforting her. I also tell her all the time now much we love her and wanted her, she is her own person, she is in no way a replacement for Isabella. Right now of course I get no response back besides smiles, coos or sometimes a burp, lol.

What I find really weird is it is still hard for me to be around other babies and pregnant women. I really thought after I had Hannah that would go away. It is easier to be around them, I am no longer holding back the tears, but it hasn't completely gone away. Maybe it never will.

I think all in all I am in a much better, healthier place. And really I think Hannah might have helped me get there. She is such a reminder of all the good things in life, a reminder that the Lord still is blessing us and sending miracles our way! Isabella taught me all that too and it is like she sent Hannah to be a constant reminder of it.

Friday, May 6, 2011

Big Sister

Dear Isabella,
On April 23, 2011 you became a big sister. I am sure you already know this because I know you were watching down on us with a smile that day. I have already started telling Miss Hannah about her big sister in Heaven. I tell her how much she looks like you. You and her have the same nose, lips and cheeks :) I tell her how special you are and how lucky she is to have a big sister as an angel watching over her.

I know since you are watching over us I can't hide anything from you so I know you have seen mommy get sad a couple times since Hannah has been here. Sometimes it is hard to look at her without thinking about how we missed out on all of this with you. But as you know this hasn't happened often and mommy snaps out of it pretty quick. I know how lucky we are to have her here with us and I will treasure every little moment with her. I know you probably don't like mommy getting sad but sometimes mommy can't help it. I just love and miss you so much that sometimes for a few minutes the emotions can take over me. I try to live my life like you have taught me and I hope during the other minutes and hours of the day I make you proud with how much I am embracing life now. Every moment good and bad is a moment to treasure, a moment you can't ever get back. Thank you for teaching me that and thank you for showing me how to really live and enjoy this life that we are given.

I don't know if you had anything to do with Hannah being sent our way but I like to think that you had something to do with it. I don't know much about Heaven but I like to think that you are watching over us and are like our little guardian angel. In the movies they show an angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other, I like to think of you as my little angel on my shoulder. And I think you are that way with your brothers and sisters too.

Hannah will grow up knowing about her sister, the good angel on her shoulder watching out for her and helping lead her in the right directions in life. She will grow up learning all the lessons you taught us in your short life here on Earth and the lessons you will continue to teach us from Heaven.

There are no words to describe how much mommy misses and loves you. I hope you can feel it, sense it or see it from Heaven.

P.S. Give your Grandpa John a big belated Birthday hug for mommy :)

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Subconscience & Worries

It is so crazy how our brains work. This past week I have been an emotional wreck and just couldn't figure out why. I just kept putting it off to pregnancy hormones even though I knew there had to be more to do with it than that because it has just been so bad. I didn't look into it to much because ever since Isabella's birthday things have been looking up. I hadn't been having many sad moments or days. It was like teh storm cloud had finally moved on to somewhere else.

Then yesterday while I was sitting at the computer I looked at the little calendar thingy for something and it hit me that it was the 1 year anniversary of Isabella's due date. I guess I had been ignoring the fact that it was coming up. What is really crazy is the night before we had just been talking about how if she had been healthy and born in March Dwayne wouldn't have been able to come home for her birth since their deployment was shortened and their homecoming was in April. It didn't even hit me then that hey the due date is near.

Also I am 33 weeks along in this pregnancy, which is when I was induced with Isabella. Even though I knew I was 33 weeks, I couldn't admit it. It was like I was going to stay 32 weeks for 2 weeks and then go to 34 weeks, lol. Even at the doctor yesterday I kept saying I was 32 weeks, they had to keep correcting me.

It was like I was blocking all of that, stopping myself from thinking about it and remembering it, even though I wasn't doing it on purpose. After the realization of those two things yesterday I really understood what has been going on with my emotions this past week and it makes a lot more sense! What is really weird is once I made the connections I actually started to feel better. Maybe it was just because now I had a reason for my behavior, I am not sure. I am happy though that I was able to handle the realizations without any kind of break down. Maybe I am finally on the otherside of the grieving process. Of course there will be days and times I still get sad, it will be that way until I join my daughter in Heaven. But I am hoping now I will be able to handle those times better now.

I had mentioned before how when I found out I was having a girl I was worried about how I would deal with buying girl things and such. I have to say it has been completly different than I thought. I haven't had any problems with shopping for Hannah, no breakdowns in the store or at home. While it is hard to seperate the grief from the pregnancy, they are so interwined, I am able to seperate Isabella from Hannah. They are two different people. Even though I am sad I missed out on doing all of this for Isabella it doesn't take away the joy from doing this for Hannah. Even though this isn't some major thing it does take away some of my other worries. I think since so far I am okay with all the girly things then I really think I won't let my grief for Isabella interfere with my love for Hannah once she is here and comes home with us. I have read how other women have almost held it against the next baby, not on purpose it is just something they couldn't help, so that was something I was really worried about. That worry has pretty much almost gone away.

This pregnancy has been so full of worries so it is so nice when some of them start to go away! As a mother I would worry anyways but after a neonatal loss you worry even more for your living children and the pregnancies that come after it. A veil is lifted from your eyes and you know you are no longer protected from bad things happening in your life like you thought you were. Stuff doesn't just happen to other people anymore.

I am not saying I don't have any more worries because I do. Some will go away once Hannah is born, some will go away when I bring her home, some will go away as she gets older, but most will never go away. Again us mothers worry constantly about our children, so I will always be worried about her. But I can't wait until I can hold her in my arms and then bring her home. Right now those are my biggest worries, that they have missed something on the ultrasounds or something will happen during the birth or shortly after. As the due date approaches I get more excited but I also get more nervous and scared. Which all us baby loss moms know is normal. I just can't wait to be able to say those worries are in the past!

I pray things continue to look up in my grieving process and that I can continue to say goodbye to some of these worries that have been hanging over my head. Today I am thinking about how much I look forward to telling Hannah all about her big sister who is an angel looking down on her. She will grow up knowing she she has three siblings here on earth to watch out for her and one in Heaven watching down on her, she will be one protected little sister :) She will also grow up knowing how much we love her sister but also how much she herself was wanted and is loved.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

A Late Happy Birthday

A VERY late Happy 1st Birthday to my baby girl Isabella! We celebrated here at home but it has taken me forever to actually get on here to blog about it. I am happy to say it is from being to busy not from being to upset. I just haven't had much free time in the past couple weeks to sit down at the computer, we have been on the go constantly it seems.
We had a combined party for Katie and Isabella since their birthday's are so close and it was pretty much the only day a couple family members would be able to get out here for a party. Katie had no problems sharing the day, and I hope Isabella didn't either. Katie picked princess decorations, of course there were lots of pink and purple everywhere! We released some pink balloons for Isabella, I always enjoy that so much! It is so beautiful to watch those balloons fly way up into the sky. I hope it is just as beautiful for her to watch them flying up to her!
I think by having the party on her actual angelversary helped a lot. I was so busy that I didn't get much of a chance to get to down about it. I think if we had just been sitting around doing nothing it would have been a prettty sad day. Instead the joy of the party really helped lift my spirits.
I want to give a very special shout out and HUGE thank you to our friends Lisa and Anthony for remembering Isabella for her birthday, and for remembering us during that time. Lisa made a beautiful flower arrangement, with little snowflake charms in it :) We got it in the mail a couple days before her birthday. Each kind of flower in the arrangement had a special meaning behind them. We are so thankful to have such wonderful people as our friends. Lisa has been like a rock to me since finding out about Isbella's diagnosis. Anyways thank you you guys, you can never know how much your friendship and the flowers you sent mean to us.
Also a Thank You to everyone who sent Isabella birthday wishes on facebook, again stuff like that means more to us than words can describe. For her to not be forgotten is the most important thing and to know there are still some people out there who think of her, and us during the hard times, is just so wonderful, it all brings happy tears to my eyes :)
Now that the day has come and passed I feel like that black cloud that was following me around has finally moved on! Like all the other days it seems the dread leading up to the day was actually worse than the day itself. I am just happy to be getting back to normal life again, to be feeling good again! I know there will still be hard days, there will still be sad days and I am okay with that. I will never "move on" from my daughters death, all I can do is move forward and learn to live with it. Learn to live with this ache that will always be in my heart, I will always miss her and there will always be a part of my heart that is missing. The only thing that will heal it is joining her Heaven! So until that day comes, which hopefully isn't anytime soon lol, I will continue to honor her memory and enjoy life the way she taught us to!

Friday, January 28, 2011


Can time move any slower? I swear this month is just dragging by! Last year when I wanted it to slow down it flew by. Of course this year when I wanted it to fly by it is moving slower than a snail!

I just want this month and now this week to be over with. I am tired of the depression leading up to her angelversary. I sit here everyday thinking about this week last year. What a crazy week it was. At the beginning of the week I never expected it to be anything like it was. It started out with a follow up appointment at OB after being in the ER for my asthma that weekend. I thought I would be prescribed some steroids, maybe given another breathing treatment and sent home. However instead we had to pick a date for induction. The extra fluid is what was causing my asthma to act up, and me not being able to breath. I look back and feel guilty thinking I chose myself over Isabella. But at the same time I know every time I was short on breath it was causing lack of oxygen to her too, which wasn't good. My only prayer, dream, wish at that point in my pregnancy was her being born alive, if we had waited that might not have happened. Of course inducing at 33 weeks it wasn't guaranteed but it was more likely. Not to mention the danger the extra fluid could cause. It was highly likely I could have a placenta abruption which wasn't safe for me or Isabella. Anyways I never expected to be having to make that decision. I guess even at that point I still had some of that pregnancy innocence I now envy, I guess even with the extra fluid I thought I would continue in the pregnancy until labor naturally started or I went past 40 weeks.

I remember leaving the hospital in a haze, it not really hitting me what we had just done. All I could think was we had to find Isabella a dress. Sadly we couldn't find one, but luckily I still had the one we had bought when I thought we were inducing at 20 some weeks. I still remember telling the doctor that we couldn't induce that day because I had to go buy her a dress, I am sure he probably thought I was crazy. But that is one of the reasons we waited until Friday to induce. We also decided to not do it that day because Katie's birthday was the day before and I just didn't want the two right next to each other, I didn't think it would be fair to her. I knew that day would be hard for me for years to come and didn't want it to put a damper on her birthday too.

So we left the hospital with the intention to buy a dress and get everything else we needed for her birth. Well those plans changed a little when the following day my husband blacked out and totaled our van. They never found out why he blacked out but it was guessed to be due to stress. And that makes complete sense with everything that was going on. He flipped over our van on a busy road on Fort Riley. So our next couple days were busy with the insurance company and trying to get a rental car set up.

Before we knew it Friday was there. I swear we blinked and that week was over. We were late getting to the hospital for the induction that morning. It was all my fault though I am not sure why I did it. I guess maybe for an extra couple of hours with her? Who knows. The following morning, on January 30th 2010 at 10:53 am, we welcomed her into our arms and then a few minutes later into Jesus' arms.

It is just so crazy to think how fast that whole pregnancy went, how fast that week went by. I know no matter how much time I would have gotten with her in my tummy and in my arms it would never have been enough time.

Friday, January 21, 2011

Starting Over???

As we near the one year anniversary of Isabella's birth and passing it feels like I am starting all over in the grieving process. All those raw emotions you first feel are coming flooding back to me. I am constantly on the verge of tears. Depression feels like it is taking over again where I don't feel like doing anything and don't feel like socializing with anyone. I have read this is normal but yet for some reason didn't think it would happen to me. I had been doing so good with everything. But yet here I sit wanting to cry, scream, yell, hit something, just wanting to bust with all of these emotions I can't control! I find myself asking all those "why" questions again and again getting angry at God for not healing her. I should be planning her 1st birthay party, not planning how we are going to honor her memory on her 1st birthday. I should be out buying her birthday presents not items to donate to the hospital for other baby loss families. I should be bragging to everyone about the first steps she has just taken or is about to take. There should be tons of pictures that I have taken to remember this 1st year by, yet all I have is one folder of pictures taken on one day at the hospital.

I am trying to stay positive, trying to focus on the things in our lives to be thankful for. But it is so hard. So hard when all I want to do is hold my daughter again, hear her laugh and cry, watch her grow up!!! I want to be stressing over how I am going care for a 1 year old and an infant along with Katie and Jonathan. I should be going through Isabella's things figuring out what Hannah will be able to use. We should be getting ready to move Isabella into a toddler bed so Hannah could use her crib.

I know life isn't fair but yet all I can think over and over again is IT ISN'T FAIR!! I should have my baby here with me!!!I thought I was passed this part, I really am not sure I am strong enough to go through it again. I miss her, I miss her so much. My heart is literally breaking, my arms are litearlly aching to hold her again, my lips are aching to kiss her, my ears are aching to hear her cries and laughs. Plain and simple, I want my daughter back, I am a selfish human being and I want my daughter with me where she belongs!