Friday, January 21, 2011

Starting Over???

As we near the one year anniversary of Isabella's birth and passing it feels like I am starting all over in the grieving process. All those raw emotions you first feel are coming flooding back to me. I am constantly on the verge of tears. Depression feels like it is taking over again where I don't feel like doing anything and don't feel like socializing with anyone. I have read this is normal but yet for some reason didn't think it would happen to me. I had been doing so good with everything. But yet here I sit wanting to cry, scream, yell, hit something, just wanting to bust with all of these emotions I can't control! I find myself asking all those "why" questions again and again getting angry at God for not healing her. I should be planning her 1st birthay party, not planning how we are going to honor her memory on her 1st birthday. I should be out buying her birthday presents not items to donate to the hospital for other baby loss families. I should be bragging to everyone about the first steps she has just taken or is about to take. There should be tons of pictures that I have taken to remember this 1st year by, yet all I have is one folder of pictures taken on one day at the hospital.

I am trying to stay positive, trying to focus on the things in our lives to be thankful for. But it is so hard. So hard when all I want to do is hold my daughter again, hear her laugh and cry, watch her grow up!!! I want to be stressing over how I am going care for a 1 year old and an infant along with Katie and Jonathan. I should be going through Isabella's things figuring out what Hannah will be able to use. We should be getting ready to move Isabella into a toddler bed so Hannah could use her crib.

I know life isn't fair but yet all I can think over and over again is IT ISN'T FAIR!! I should have my baby here with me!!!I thought I was passed this part, I really am not sure I am strong enough to go through it again. I miss her, I miss her so much. My heart is literally breaking, my arms are litearlly aching to hold her again, my lips are aching to kiss her, my ears are aching to hear her cries and laughs. Plain and simple, I want my daughter back, I am a selfish human being and I want my daughter with me where she belongs!


  1. Saying a little prayer for you.
    Wish I could wave a magic wand and fix it all...
    ((Big Hugs))

  2. It is hard, I know. Praying for you.

  3. I just found your blog and wanted to say something...but I'm not quite sure what to say. I'm in the same "boat" you are, except that our 1 yr anniversary is 14 days after new baby's due date, April 1st. I think I'm doing well, but then...little things throw me off and it all comes back.

    I also read your post about you expecting another little girl. Just like you, I was hoping that this new little one wouldn't be the same gender- thinking it would make things easier. But God...I'm choosing again and again to believe that His ways is best, even when it doesn't feel like it.

    You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.