Sunday, October 26, 2014

It's D Time...Again..

I have had a few people ask me what D Day is. In the baby loss
community it is the day you are told about the fatal diagnosis, so it is short for diagnosis day. For me though there is more than just one day. For me it is a time period of over a month, with the actual D Day being near the end of that month. I call I D Time instead of D Day.

For me the Anniversary of D-Day and the weeks before and after are harder on me than her birth/death day. For me her birthday is about celebrating her life, while of course there is a bit of sadness, it is more about being happy and celebrating the time we had with her. However D Day is the complete opposite. Imagine her birth/death day as all smiles, sunshine and rainbows, then D Day is all cloudy, rainy, and thunderstorms. D Day is the day your world is turned upside down. D Day is the day that will change your life forever. D Day is the day all your dreams get crushed to the ground. D Day is literally the worst day of your life.

As I mentioned for me D Day is more than just one day. It starts a month before when we got the positive results for an NTD on the 16 week blood work. Then the actual D Day on the 2nd of November, then 2 days later when I finally got to talk to my husband and let him know what was going on, then 3 days later when he finally got home. Now it could continue on through all the fighting we did with the Army to get him allowed to stay until the birth, then again after her birth when they wanted to deploy him right away and even on as we fought for a compassionate reassignment. But I am not that crazy, yet. No, I am usually good until about a week before Halloween, then I am usually good again a few days after the 2nd. Though during all those other times it is still on my mind, just doesn't get me quite as down.

For those of you saying, "but I will have been 5 years this year aren't you over it yet?" To you few heartless people I say just shut up and I am happy you have never been in this position. Until you have had your heartbroken with the words incompatible with life you have no right to say anything. Yes I still get sad, yes I still sometimes cry when I think of the memories of those days, yes I still get angry sometimes. And you know what, it is okay! I am not as bad as I was 4 years ago, and I may or may not be better 4 years from now, it doesn't matter. I will grieve the loss of my daughter, all the dreams we had for her, for all the days of my life here on earth, and some days it will just be harder than others.

Every year during this time the memories come flooding back. I was alone at the time of diagnosis and for days after and it always feels like I am alone every year during this time, even though Dwayne and the kids are with me. I feel like people think I am crazy for still being upset. I am just so thankful for those in the baby loss community who understand and my few non baby loss friends who don't judge me and are there for me and remind me I am not crazy and I am not alone.

For some reason this year this one memory keeps coming back to me over and over again. I was at the childcare place picking up Katie after my hour log drive, alone, back from the specialist. Probably took much longer than an hour that day with the tears flowing and phone calls I was getting. Anyways clear as if it was yesterday I see her in her pink sweat suit outfit running towards me as I walk in her rooms door with a HUGE smile on her face asking me if its a girl or boy, she was hoping for a baby sister! I had to put the biggest fake smile on my face, hold back the tears like I have never before and tell her she was going to have a baby sister. I haven't thought about this part of the day very often in the past. Usually I think about a few hours after that when I sat her and Jonathan down and told them their baby sister would be going to Heaven after she was born.

I have no idea why this memory keeps coming to me this year, am I supposed to be learning something from it? Am I supposed to be remembering something about it that maybe I have forgotten? I don't know, hopefully I can figure it out soon.

I apologize if this is all over the place or if it makes no sense, that is kind of how my life and mind are right now so I wouldn't be surprised if this was the same way.

To my baby girl Isabella, I love you and am so thankful to be your mother. I will take these sad hard days every year and embrace them because those hard days brought me closer to you, these days 5 years ago bonded us in a way that words can't describe. As I am bombarded with these sad memories, mostly my own selfish ones, I am also remembering the happy ones and they bring me a smile while the tears are falling. I know you send those my way to remind me you are with me, just like you did that day driving home when I felt you move for the first time. You are always with me baby girl. I love you!

 I have really felt him by my side this year, helping me get through and reminding me all the good that was done during our time with Isabella. Even though I am sad, and there are days I am angry, he understands, and I will continue to praise him while the tears are falling.

Psalm 34:18  “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”