Friday, July 2, 2010

5 months

On June 30th it had been 5 months since Isabella was born and went home to Heaven. I had dreaded the day as it was approaching, like all the other anniversaries. But again the dread of the day was actually worse than the day. It sounds heartless to admit but no tears were shed that day. Instead it was a great day of hanging out with the neighbors and just enjoying life. I almost feel a bit guilty that there was no little moments of mourning or anything like that. But at the same time I think Isabella would be proud and happy that we are going on with life and enjoying it. I don't think she would want us to sit around sad all the time.

As the day was coming near I was thinking a lot about my other kids and how they were at 5 months and wondering how Isabella would be. Would she be like Wesley and hit the gross motor skills right on time? Or would she be like Katie and be way ahead, already crawling like a pro and starting to pull up to stand up at 5 months? Or would she have been like Jonathan and just be so laid back and lazy, lol, that she would have no desire to start that type of stuff on time? I wonder what her personality would be like. From the little time we got with her I have a feeling she would have been just as stubborn as my other three, lol. Like them she was a fighter which means she probably had a bit of a stubborn streak in her. I wonder if she would have been the cuddling loving on type like Jonathan or the more independant type like Wesley and Katie. There are so many things like that that I find myself wondering about during the few alone quiet moments I get through out the day. I find myself smiling when I think about what she might have been like. I am happy I can think of those things and be happy and not sad.

Even though I still have rough moments I think I have passed another hurdle in the grieving process. It is now very rare for my to break down crying, though I do still have sad moments it doesn't affect my life much anymore. Now if only I could get over this hurdle of my saddness around babies. We have new neighbors now and met the husband last night, the family is getting in today. He has a 2 month old baby. I already warned him how I might behave around the baby, that I am not purposely trying to be rude but that it is hard for me to be around them. Maybe living next door to a baby will help me to get over this. Maybe in the next month that we are here I will be able to start to move past this part. I am not going to be able to run away from it like I can in stores, I am not going to always be able to avoid it. I am going to have to face it head on and I really think that is what I need to get over this part. So I am just asking for people to send a few little prayers to help me to give me the strength to face this and work through this last hurdle I have.

I am really looking foward to this holiday weekend. Today Dwayne and I are going on a little afternoon date. Going to lunch and then to see Eclipse. Then on saturday Dwayne is going to be in the 4th of July parade so we are going to go see him in that and then in the afternoon going to the lake, hopefully it is no longer flooded, lol. Then Sunday we are going to a cookout at the pool and going to see the fireworks that night. Dwayne also has monday and tuesday off but haven't made any plans yet for those days. This is really our last fun weekend before we have to start everything for the move. And those of you in the military know how very stressful the moves can be so we are going to enjoy every minute of this weekend!

2 comments:

  1. I would love to run away from all the babies that friends and relatives are having right now. Unfortunately I cannot, instead I pray to God like crazy that he will carry me through those moments. So far, no public breakdowns! Good luck to you with your new neighbor.

    Enjoy your date!

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