Friday, July 16, 2010

Jealousy, Envy, Longing???

I am not sure which word to use to describe some of the feelings I have had recently. I see on other peoples blogs where they have family members and friends that help keep the memory of their baby alive, I wish we had people like that in our lives. They are given gifts with their babies names engraved on it or a verse that means something special to them and the situation. They have people make things and write out the baby name, or even something as simple as writing the babies name in sand and taking a picture of it. It isn't the fact that they are given gifts that I am jealous of, because even the handmade or free simple things get to me too.

It feels like only Dwayne and I are trying to carry on her memory. Pretty much from the time she was diganosed she was already erased from some peoples memories and of course as time goes by since her birth/death the more she gets forgotten by others. Those of us who have lost a baby know how important it is for their memory to be carried on, for them to not be forgotten. Even if they were only alive for mere minutes they were alive! They were here, they were a baby a person. They had a purpose. I am sure it means so much to them that they have people to help carry on that memory to show them that their angel meant something to other people.

People think that just because she was a baby and died shortly after birth that it is different than a normal death in the family. It is NOT! We grieve for our daughter no differently than people grieve for a loss of a parent or someone else close to them. I guess I just long for people to understand what we are going through, for them to show us that Isabella meant something to them. To acknowledge that we had a daughter and that we miss her and that they too miss her. I long for people to tell us or show us how she has touched their lives, how they do think of her and of us during this time. Maybe I am wanting to much from people? I have read in the grief books how people think of losses like Isabella as no different than a miscarriage, but it is! I have had a miscarriage and I know they are hard but this is completely different.

When Isabella passed away we got two cards in the mail. One from a dear friend of mine and one from the doctors and nurses at the hospital, and then at her service we got 3 cards from friends. I am not trying to be ungrateful at all. I am so thankful for the people who came to her service, I guess I just want her to be remembered long after her service.


  1. It is always in the back of my mind that people will get tired of hearing about Olivia. I have to think of it as I talk about my other girls (A LOT!) and I will continue to talk about Olivia. It is not as much I talk about Makayla and Hannah since I am not continuing to make memories with her but I still love her the same. I know that other people do not get it and unless they have been through it, they will never fully understand.

    I hope that your family/friends recognize Isabella and allow you to speak of her when you want to. I cannot imagine going through this without a great support system but lean on your husband and allow him to lean on you. You both will be stronger for it!

    I will keep you in my prayers, you have a lot on your plate in the next few weeks and I pray for a smooth transition for your family!

  2. We talk about our Baby Jack quite often. I'm sure as time goes by, the converstaions about him will get less and less. I'm sure there are people out there that would love to talk to you about her, but might fear that you may not want to talk about her, so they say nothing.

    Thinking of you and your family throught out your journey

  3. I have come across several people that usually wait for me to bring Lilly up because they are not sure what to say and they do not want to bring her up for fear of upsetting me. Now that they know its ok to talk about her with me, that I love hearing about her there is a lot more open talk about her.

    Then there are those who it is too sad for them to talk about (and its not even their child). Loss of a baby I think is a HUGE slap in your face reminder that death is a part of life and if a baby can die then no one is safe. People seem to not do well with that fact.

    I do pray and hope that your family will start opening up and talking about Isabella to you when you all move closer. I think people really do struggle with what to say or do for us. And that sometimes comes off as indifferent.

    I do want to say that I am glad that I got to know Isabella through your words. I can feel how much she is loved.

    Praying for you and thinking about you always.