So recently I have become very comfortable being around our neighbors baby. She is 3 months old so I think it has been easier because she is younger than what Isabella would be. The only times I get uncomfortable is when she starts to cry, not sure why the cry of a baby still gets me pretty bad. There has also been one or two times when people are cooing over her and I can't help but think I should have my baby there to show off too! Luckily my other neighbor is very understanding of what we are going through and I can tell she tries not to do things with the baby that might hurt or upset us. Another one of our neighbors isn't as kind about it, I know she doesn't do it to be mean, she just doesn't realize everything we went through I guess.
So anyways a few days ago I had mentioned to my neighbor Tara, the one that is understanding, that I had thought about asking to hold the baby. Well yesterday Tara had asked to hold the baby, the first time she had done it in infront of us again I am sure because of our feelings. Well she then asked me if I wanted to. I said yes. The minute I got her in my arms I wanted to break down, Tara saw this on my face asking if she should take the baby back. I said no and worked through it. I don't break down emotionally in front of people so since we were sitting out front with the neighbors around I held it in. I am glad I did. After a little bit I was able to enjoy holding her and laughing at the normal baby things. There was still heartache, especially when I was playing with her hands and feet. They reminded me so much of Isabella's. Especially considering they weren't much bigger, lol. Isabella had huge hands and feet, she would have been a big girl. I know I probably would have never gotten the nerve up to ask to hold her so I am happy Tara did that for me. I will forever be thankful for her doing that, lol last night we were calling it therapy. If it had been up to me I might have never held another baby until I had another of my own.
After I got done holding her I passed her over to Dwayne. He seemed to handle it better than I did, but we all know how easy it is for guys to hold that kind of stuff in. We never had a chance to talk about it last night but I hope it helped him as much as it helped me.
Thank you Tara for being such a great friend and for always being understanding about our feelings, I know you had been dying to hold that baby :) And thank you for "pushing' me to do that but also willing to take her back if I couldn't handle it. And a big thank you for always being willing to talk about Isabella and always asking us numerous questions about her. You help us carry on her memory and I will forever be greatful for that.