When most women get pregnant all they think about is holding the baby, loving on the baby, picking out all the cute baby stuff and picking out names they like. For me it was always that way too. But this pregnancy is different. All I can think about is did the neural tube close and is everything growing like it is supposed to? Am I going to get to bring my baby home this time? Will I be able to watch her/him grow up? I have been trying not to stress to much about it because I know whatever happens is God's will, but it is hard to not think about it.
I also find myself comparing this pregnancy to Isabella's way more than what is normal. When I was pregnant with her it took forever to actually feel like I was pregnant. It was like subconsciencely I knew there was something wrong so I didn't allow myself to get attached right away. I find that happening with this pregnancy too. I also notice that like Isabella I am completely drained of energy and don't have much morning sickness. Since my other pregnancies before Isabella weren't like this I can't help but wonder if they are signs that something is wrong again. I mean I know that is not very logical but I can't seem to stop.
I am so worried that because I am so scared something could be wrong I am not allowing myself to get excited and bond with the baby as much as I can while I am pregnant. I am worried that if she/he is healthy and lives that I might somehow be withdrawn from her/him and not bond properly after they are born. I hate that I am already kind of distancing myself from the baby just incase something is wrong. I know that if something is wrong that doing this won't make it any easier, so there is no real purpose of this, but I can't seem to stop doing this too.
Everything has just been to good to be true. I mean I got pregnant the first month we kind of really tried, I haven't had much morning sickness, besides the being tired I don't even feel pregnant. It has all gone to easy, to smoothly that something has to be wrong, right?
I wish I could be like the other expecting moms. I wish everything was sunshine and rainbows instead of clouds and rain. I am envious and jealous of them, I wish I was still that naive and innocent about pregnancy and what can happen to your baby. I wouldn't trade Isabella for anything but it would be nice to just enjoy this pregnancy, even for just a day. Maybe as time goes and I start getting reassured with the bloodwork and sonograms things will get easier. Until then I guess I just have to keep trying to fight this stress and fears.