The past couple weeks I have found myself really down, pretty much depressed. All the sadness and crying has come back. I find myself just breaking down over stuff that I thought I was over. It has been forever since I have felt like crying when I am around babies but yet last week when we took Katie to the doctor and the room was filled with newborns for their wellbaby appointments it took everything in me to not break down there in front of everyone. Songs that used to make me cry but have recently been okay to listen to now have me tearing up again. There have been two days this week where I just broke down crying over Isabella and nothing even triggered it.
I am sure part of it is her upcoming 8 month birthday. I usually get a little down a few days before it. I am sure some of it is being hormonal from the pregnancy. But it just seems like it is worse than if it was only those two thing causing it.
I also seem to be having more fears recently, and not the ones where I worry that the baby isn't going to be healthy. I worry that Isabella is going to think we are replacing her. I worry that people are going to forget about her and stop talking about her because there is a new baby. I worry that I am not going to be able to tell this new baby about her wonderful brave older sister that he/she will meet in Heaven one day. I worry about that one because as the days pass I notice there is more and more that I seem to be forgetting or is harder to remember about the day Isabella was born.
I worry that if this baby is a girl that it will somehow be harder than if it is a boy. Then I feel guilty for thinking that because all that really matters is that he or she is healthy. I am just scared that if it is a girl that somehow I will resent her for not being Isabella. I have read that other parents have felt that way and I don't think that will be me but I can't help but worry about it. I worry that everytime I have to buy girl things I will be reminded that I wasn't able to do that with Isabella. There are just so many things going through my mind that I know are stupid and don't make much sense but can't seem to stop thinking them.
I am hoping that once my hormones ease up a bit things will get easier. I have always been an emotional person and with all my other pregnancies it gets worse, lol. I guess this time with still going through the grieving process it is just making things a bit more emotional and difficult for me.