I can't believe it is already that time of year! So crazy how as we get older the years fly by faster. I have always found it odd that the holiday's never really got me down. With me suffering from depression that isn't a normal thing, then add the loss of my father shortly before the holidays into it and still they didn't get me down, they would cheer me up. Most people, especially those with depression get some sort of holiday blues, I never did. Heck even during my husbands deployments I didn't get that down. I worry though this year will be different.
I am already dreading Thanksgiving. I should be out buying Isabella a cute thanksgiving dress and the cute 1st Thanksgiving outfits. I should be looking forward to seeing her reactions to tasting all the new exciting foods. Should be looking forward to the mess she would make with those foods, lol. Instead my arms will be empty, there will be no cute outfits, no messy baby to clean up, no laughing and smiling at her reactions to everything. Instead there will be emptiness and hurt, that of course will be hidden to everyone. There will be smiles and laughter but there will be sadness behind them.
So we will make it through Thanksgiving and then bam Christmas is everywhere. No 1st Christmas outfits, no cute dress and no cute 1st Christmas pictures. No baby toys wrapped and put under the tree. No watching that 1st Christmas reaction to all the decorations, lights and presents. No little hands pulling down all the ornaments and messing up all the Christmas decorations. Then I wonder do we hang a stocking for her? I know Santa can't leave anything in it for her but to not hang one is like saying she isn't our daughter, that she didn't exist. Wesley isn't here for Christmas but we still hang a stocking for him. I want to hang one for her, but how sad will it make me to see it hanging there empty Christmas morning? It already hurts to see Wesley's there like that so I know it would kill me to see hers. Do I sign her name on the Christmas card with the other kids or again do I pretend she was never born and that she isn't our daughter???
Even though I know it will be hard we will make it through Christmas, and again it will be a happy day but with sadness right under the surface. Then onto New Years and all the 1st we will miss out with her. Then it will be her birthday, her 1st birthday. Even though we will have a party for her it will not be the same.
So yeah the next few months are going to be hard, very hard. It is looking like it is time to bring that mask back out. That mask that shows the world we are doing great when really inside we have days where we are dying. That mask that strangers see and have no idea of the hurt and pain we have been through and are still going through. That mask that has become my biggest accessory the past year, the mask that I keep thinking I am finally able to get rid of only to grab it back and put it back on.
So while all of you are enjoying your holidays and watching your kids enjoy it, please remember there are some of us that don't get to enjoy it with all of our babies, please take a moment to say a silent prayer, or whatever it is your belief does, for those families that will be missing out and hurting this holiday season. Please if you know anyone who has lost a baby please do something to acknowledge that baby for the family, that would be the best Christmas present you could ever get them. Let them know you are thinking of them and their baby. Don't be afraid you will "hurt" them by acknowledging the baby, because really by not mentioning the baby you are hurting them more than you will ever know.