One of the first things you have to do when you get a fatal diagnosis for your baby is decide what you want to do. I was lucky that I had doctors that told me about all my options, not everyone is. There are a few options for you to choose from, all of which seem scary and hard in different ways. It is not an easy choice at all, you not only have to think about yourself, but of the baby and if you are married or have living kids they must be taken into consideration as well.
Carrying to term used to be the most controversial one but in the past few years it is becoming more of the norm as more doctors are letting women know it is an option. Now of course this is more of an option for those people who will not have any serious medical issues with continuing the pregnancy. On that note I just want to say that if your doctor tells you it wouldn't be safe for you to continue on with the pregnancy or that there is a chance of serious side effects, or that your baby is suffering from it PLEASE do so research on that before you decide. I have heard stories of woman who are pregnant with a baby with anencephaly that had doctors tell them it wasn't safe when in fact the most serious side effect is the extra fluid which doesn't happen in every anencephalic pregnancy Many have also been told the baby is suffering which is also not true in most cases.
There is also the option of early induction. They will induce the labor and you will deliver the baby like normal. Both this option and carrying to term are the only choices for a chance for your baby being born alive, though in some cases like with anencephaly that is only about a 50% chance.
For some people insurance companies will not cover an early induction because it isn't medically necessary so they decide to go another route. I do not know the medical term for this so I will just describe it. It is where you take a pill or get an injection that stops the babies heart beat then the insurance will cover the early induction.
For carrying to term or an early induction if your baby is born alive after 20 weeks, the weeks may vary by state from what I have heard, you will get a birth certificate. If your baby doesn't survive the pregnancy, birth or your decide to go the 3rd way then you will get a stillbirth certificate. I know this may sound weird but those certificates mean a lot to the babyloss community. It reaffirms that our babies were here!
The last option is abortion. In cases like these even people who swore they would never get an abortion choose to go that route. There are laws in each state though that say how far along you can be to get one so you have to take that into consideration too. Usually most states allow for later abortions with a fatal diagnosis for the baby.
No matter what choice you make it will be hard. For carry to term you are constantly having to explain to people, if you don't explain while you are pregnant then you have to explain why you don't have the baby home with you. For some people this can be hard, especially at first, for others it can be used as a way to educate people on the defect or gives you a chance to talk about your baby which can be a comfort. If you are far enough along then you will have to go through some of that too no matter what choice you make. There are so many things to take into consideration. Do you want to hold your baby, do you want pictures to remember them by and to share with others, do you want the chance for them to be born alive and get some time with them, there are many questions you have to as yourself.
If your life isn't in immediate danger then take some time to think about it, to pray about it, talk with your spouse or significant other about it. Until you feel sure about a choice don't make one.The fact that you are unsure means it might not be the right choice for you. You have to live with the choice for the rest of your life, you need to be comfortable with it. Four years later there are still days I feel guilty for my choice of inducing at 33 weeks because of extra fluid causing my asthma to act up. Most days I am okay with it but wish I had taken a little more time to think about it. And again please do research about it because some doctors are still back in the dark ages when it comes to some birth defects. You don't want to abort then come to find out the doctor lied or mislead you and you actually had other options. I know women in those shoes, they wish they had had google and all the other sites out there that technology gives now to research easier on our own. Most of them say they probably would have made a different choice.
No matter the choice you make don't let anyone make you feel bad for picking that. You have to do what is best for you and your family. No matter the choice we all grieve, we all have the heartache. We all end up at home at some point with a broken heart and empty arms.
Thursday, January 16, 2014
Friday, January 10, 2014
What Medical Professionals Need To Know
So over the years I have mentioned how great my doctors and nurses were when I was pregnant, during the delivery and after. I have also mentioned that I hear horror stories on a daily basis about what others have gone through with their medical staff. So I want to take a moment to sit down and write down what I have seen and heard over the years that has helped families when it comes to the medical professionals we deal with during this time.
First I am going to start off with what mine did right.
1. Have and show compassion. I know most doctors are trained to think of these babies as a fetus but to us they are our blessings, our dreams come true, our life. They aren't just a fetus to us. We have already dreamed in our head the years ahead, the memories we will make. They have already filled a spot in our heart that no one can replace, we have already pictured what they will look like and how they will act. So think about that and show compassion when giving us the diagnosis or at a regular appointment. Look us in the eye, show us you care. I still to this day remember my doctor doing little things like putting his hand on mine, looking in my eyes and quietly asking us how we are doing, and actually meaning it, actually wanting an answer. I remember him waking me up the morning after her birth and the first thing I saw was his face filled with compassion and understanding. He gave me a soft smile, again placed his hand on my arm and and just nodded. It only takes a few seconds to show you care and it can make all the difference in the world. I got blessed in the fact that almost all of my doctors and nurses were like this with us.
2. Give ALL the options to the family and don't push your opinions of what they should do on them. Give them as much times as needed to figure out what they want to do. You can give them the facts, the good and bad about each options but don't scare them into not choosing one or the other. My specialist did tell me what he thought was best but he didn't pressure me into it and he didn't try to scare me into it either. When we chose not to do what he thought was best he said he understood it is our choice and said he would do whatever he could to help us.
3. Ask us what we want, what we need. I was so scared walking into labor and delivery the day of the induction, we were late because of that. But one of the first things the nurse asked me is what she could do for us. I told her don't treat us any different than a normal patient. Now of course in some ways she did, thankfully, but when it came to all the regular stuff she didn't. She talked and joked with us and helped us celebrate the birth of our baby like it was just a normal day in L&D. I seriously think she was an angel in disguise, but she denied it, lol.
4. Give us ultrasound pictures. I can't believe how many families have said they never received the ultrasound pictures of their baby. Just because our baby is going to die doesn't mean we love them any less, doesn't mean we don't want to keep those pictures to look back on later, doesn't mean we don't want to share them with our friends and family. In fact give them more than what you would give another patient. We don't get years of pictures to look back on like everyone else does.
5. Take pictures. We didn't have the chance to have Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep at the delivery so the nurses took pictures for us, they offered we didn't even have to ask. That way we got the time she was with us to enjoy with her, holding her, loving on her, just enjoying her presence instead of worrying about taking pictures. While I would have loved to have professional pictures done these are just as special, they really thought about what kind of pictures we would have liked to have. They are a reminder not only of our moments with Isabella but also of our thoughtful caring nurses that day. While we didn't get to leave the hospital with our baby we did get to leave a big stack of pictures of our beautiful baby girl.
6. Give us memento's. We brought in the stuff to make molds of Isabella's hands, the nurses were kind enough to do it for us. But unexpectedly they also made a little bracelet with beads that made out her name. They had a memory box that I am guessing people donated, they filled it with all her arm bands, a lock of her hair, they took prints of her hands and feet and put them on paper dollies for us. They put the blanket she was using and the clothes she wore in there. I love pulling that box out and looking at all her stuff.
Now there are a few things that I wish had been done. This is mostly stuff I thought of or saw others mention in the years after Isabella.
7. Do not make us wait in the same room with all the other pregnant woman and babies at our appointments. I spent every appointment in that waiting room crying waiting to get called back. It's hard being around pregnant women and babies. Hearing them complain about heartburn and other mundane things just makes up want to reach and slap them, to scream. How we only wish the normal pregnancy annoyances was the only thing wrong with our pregnancy. Seeing those babies with their moms at their 6 week check up is just a horrible reminder that we will not have our baby with us at that appointment. We don't need a separate waiting area to ourselves. Give us the option to sit in an empty patient room or anywhere you have available that isn't the waiting room.
8. When we are coming in for regular appointments let the nurses know the situation before we are called back. When the emotions are still so raw it isn't fun having to explain over and over again, especially when you are even more emotional than normal being stuck in the waiting room with all those pregnant woman and babies.
9. Find out if there is a local prenatal hospice or infant loss support group, if there is give us the information for it. I never even knew there was a such thing as a prenatal hospice until long after Isabella had passed. I also didn't know about the infant loss support group that met right in the hospital where I had her. It would have been nice to have had the chance to take advantage of these services, especially since we went through it all alone having no friends or family in the area. We are already so lost with getting the diagnosis and not thinking straight that we might not even think to look up those type of things while.
10. Make sure you know the process with the funeral home. Even though I knew it was just a body it still broke my heart that my Isabella was stuck, I don't know where since the hospital didn't have a morgue, for 3 days after we left because of issues with the hospital and funeral home, partly had to do with that the nurses didn't know what to do, they thought we would have it all set up. But the funeral home wouldn't let us set anything up until after she passed.
What it boils down to is treat us and our babies with the dignity and respect we deserve. Being told your baby has a fatal birth defect is harder than you will ever know, don't make the situation any harder on us than it has be. Show love and compassion and if you aren't able to do that recommend a doctor that can.
Before I go I just want to give a heartfelt thank you to the staff at Topeka Maternal Fetal Medicine and my nurse practitioner, doctor and the midwife and nurses that worked L&D at Irwin Army Community Hospital when we were there. They all made what was a very heartbreaking time for us a little bit easier.
First I am going to start off with what mine did right.
1. Have and show compassion. I know most doctors are trained to think of these babies as a fetus but to us they are our blessings, our dreams come true, our life. They aren't just a fetus to us. We have already dreamed in our head the years ahead, the memories we will make. They have already filled a spot in our heart that no one can replace, we have already pictured what they will look like and how they will act. So think about that and show compassion when giving us the diagnosis or at a regular appointment. Look us in the eye, show us you care. I still to this day remember my doctor doing little things like putting his hand on mine, looking in my eyes and quietly asking us how we are doing, and actually meaning it, actually wanting an answer. I remember him waking me up the morning after her birth and the first thing I saw was his face filled with compassion and understanding. He gave me a soft smile, again placed his hand on my arm and and just nodded. It only takes a few seconds to show you care and it can make all the difference in the world. I got blessed in the fact that almost all of my doctors and nurses were like this with us.
2. Give ALL the options to the family and don't push your opinions of what they should do on them. Give them as much times as needed to figure out what they want to do. You can give them the facts, the good and bad about each options but don't scare them into not choosing one or the other. My specialist did tell me what he thought was best but he didn't pressure me into it and he didn't try to scare me into it either. When we chose not to do what he thought was best he said he understood it is our choice and said he would do whatever he could to help us.
3. Ask us what we want, what we need. I was so scared walking into labor and delivery the day of the induction, we were late because of that. But one of the first things the nurse asked me is what she could do for us. I told her don't treat us any different than a normal patient. Now of course in some ways she did, thankfully, but when it came to all the regular stuff she didn't. She talked and joked with us and helped us celebrate the birth of our baby like it was just a normal day in L&D. I seriously think she was an angel in disguise, but she denied it, lol.
4. Give us ultrasound pictures. I can't believe how many families have said they never received the ultrasound pictures of their baby. Just because our baby is going to die doesn't mean we love them any less, doesn't mean we don't want to keep those pictures to look back on later, doesn't mean we don't want to share them with our friends and family. In fact give them more than what you would give another patient. We don't get years of pictures to look back on like everyone else does.
5. Take pictures. We didn't have the chance to have Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep at the delivery so the nurses took pictures for us, they offered we didn't even have to ask. That way we got the time she was with us to enjoy with her, holding her, loving on her, just enjoying her presence instead of worrying about taking pictures. While I would have loved to have professional pictures done these are just as special, they really thought about what kind of pictures we would have liked to have. They are a reminder not only of our moments with Isabella but also of our thoughtful caring nurses that day. While we didn't get to leave the hospital with our baby we did get to leave a big stack of pictures of our beautiful baby girl.
6. Give us memento's. We brought in the stuff to make molds of Isabella's hands, the nurses were kind enough to do it for us. But unexpectedly they also made a little bracelet with beads that made out her name. They had a memory box that I am guessing people donated, they filled it with all her arm bands, a lock of her hair, they took prints of her hands and feet and put them on paper dollies for us. They put the blanket she was using and the clothes she wore in there. I love pulling that box out and looking at all her stuff.
Now there are a few things that I wish had been done. This is mostly stuff I thought of or saw others mention in the years after Isabella.
7. Do not make us wait in the same room with all the other pregnant woman and babies at our appointments. I spent every appointment in that waiting room crying waiting to get called back. It's hard being around pregnant women and babies. Hearing them complain about heartburn and other mundane things just makes up want to reach and slap them, to scream. How we only wish the normal pregnancy annoyances was the only thing wrong with our pregnancy. Seeing those babies with their moms at their 6 week check up is just a horrible reminder that we will not have our baby with us at that appointment. We don't need a separate waiting area to ourselves. Give us the option to sit in an empty patient room or anywhere you have available that isn't the waiting room.
8. When we are coming in for regular appointments let the nurses know the situation before we are called back. When the emotions are still so raw it isn't fun having to explain over and over again, especially when you are even more emotional than normal being stuck in the waiting room with all those pregnant woman and babies.
9. Find out if there is a local prenatal hospice or infant loss support group, if there is give us the information for it. I never even knew there was a such thing as a prenatal hospice until long after Isabella had passed. I also didn't know about the infant loss support group that met right in the hospital where I had her. It would have been nice to have had the chance to take advantage of these services, especially since we went through it all alone having no friends or family in the area. We are already so lost with getting the diagnosis and not thinking straight that we might not even think to look up those type of things while.
10. Make sure you know the process with the funeral home. Even though I knew it was just a body it still broke my heart that my Isabella was stuck, I don't know where since the hospital didn't have a morgue, for 3 days after we left because of issues with the hospital and funeral home, partly had to do with that the nurses didn't know what to do, they thought we would have it all set up. But the funeral home wouldn't let us set anything up until after she passed.
What it boils down to is treat us and our babies with the dignity and respect we deserve. Being told your baby has a fatal birth defect is harder than you will ever know, don't make the situation any harder on us than it has be. Show love and compassion and if you aren't able to do that recommend a doctor that can.
Before I go I just want to give a heartfelt thank you to the staff at Topeka Maternal Fetal Medicine and my nurse practitioner, doctor and the midwife and nurses that worked L&D at Irwin Army Community Hospital when we were there. They all made what was a very heartbreaking time for us a little bit easier.
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
Dreams
Over the past 3, almost 4 years, I have seen where other baby loss moms have had dreams or felt their little one visiting them. While I was happy for them it always left me feeling a little sad. I never had a dream about Isabella much less one where it felt like she came to me in a dream. While we have had pictures that had some amazing orbs in them I have never felt her around me or felt like she was sending me signs she was here with us.
I would tell myself that this is a good thing. That it meant she was ready to go to Heaven and had no business left here on Earth. That it meant she knew she was loved and felt comfortable leaving us to join her family and Jesus in Heaven. It is hard to tell myself that stuff because I am true believer in spirits visiting us from Heaven. I believe they can come to comfort us in times of need, to help guide us in the right directions in life and for many other reasons. I believe God sends them to us. My dad passed away in 1998 while I have never felt him around me he has visited me in my dreams many times. The dreams were always very life like. We would talk like we would when he was still here on Earth with me. He would give me advice or just be there for me during hard times. Again I felt that God sent him to speak to me in my dreams.
Well about a month ago I FINALLY had a dream about Isabella, and I truly believe she came to me in my dreams. She showed me she was healed and that she was surrounded by people that love her, that she is okay now. Actually, better than okay. In my dream I got to hold her again, and finally hear her laugh and cry. In my dream we were surrounded by family, and not just the ones who have already passed but those still living. It was like a vision of when we are all together again in Heaven. I truly hope it was. It was such a peaceful and happy place, just how I envision Heaven to be.
This time of year is always hard for me. Between Halloween and her birthday in January are the hardest days. But for some reason this year has been worse than the past couple of years. I guess either her and God knew I needed her at this time. I needed to see her healed and happy. I needed to be reminded that one day I will be with her again, loving on her and holding her like I wish I could do in this lifetime. When I woke up that morning I could still feel the weight of her in my arms, I could still feel that pure joy and happiness I felt in the dream. I can't even put into words how I felt. So now a month later when I start feeling that sadness creep up I remember that dream, I close my eyes and go back to that place and am again comforted and happy.
So thank you to God and Isabella for that, it is a gift I will treasure forever. It is a safe happy place I can go to when this roller coaster of grief starts to get too hard to handle. And from now on I will not question why she isn't visiting me. I will trust God's judgment on when the time is right. And if she never visits me again that is okay, because I know one day that dream will come true and she will be in my arms again!
I would tell myself that this is a good thing. That it meant she was ready to go to Heaven and had no business left here on Earth. That it meant she knew she was loved and felt comfortable leaving us to join her family and Jesus in Heaven. It is hard to tell myself that stuff because I am true believer in spirits visiting us from Heaven. I believe they can come to comfort us in times of need, to help guide us in the right directions in life and for many other reasons. I believe God sends them to us. My dad passed away in 1998 while I have never felt him around me he has visited me in my dreams many times. The dreams were always very life like. We would talk like we would when he was still here on Earth with me. He would give me advice or just be there for me during hard times. Again I felt that God sent him to speak to me in my dreams.
Well about a month ago I FINALLY had a dream about Isabella, and I truly believe she came to me in my dreams. She showed me she was healed and that she was surrounded by people that love her, that she is okay now. Actually, better than okay. In my dream I got to hold her again, and finally hear her laugh and cry. In my dream we were surrounded by family, and not just the ones who have already passed but those still living. It was like a vision of when we are all together again in Heaven. I truly hope it was. It was such a peaceful and happy place, just how I envision Heaven to be.
This time of year is always hard for me. Between Halloween and her birthday in January are the hardest days. But for some reason this year has been worse than the past couple of years. I guess either her and God knew I needed her at this time. I needed to see her healed and happy. I needed to be reminded that one day I will be with her again, loving on her and holding her like I wish I could do in this lifetime. When I woke up that morning I could still feel the weight of her in my arms, I could still feel that pure joy and happiness I felt in the dream. I can't even put into words how I felt. So now a month later when I start feeling that sadness creep up I remember that dream, I close my eyes and go back to that place and am again comforted and happy.
So thank you to God and Isabella for that, it is a gift I will treasure forever. It is a safe happy place I can go to when this roller coaster of grief starts to get too hard to handle. And from now on I will not question why she isn't visiting me. I will trust God's judgment on when the time is right. And if she never visits me again that is okay, because I know one day that dream will come true and she will be in my arms again!
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
4 year anniversary of D Day
So on the 2nd of November was the 4th anniversary of "D day". "D day" is what those of us unlucky enough to be in the baby loss club call Diagnosis Day, or the day we found out about our babies fatal birth defect. I don't want to go over the whole story again. I have typed it here over and over and you have all read it over and over. It was a heart wrenching day, a day that I will NEVER forget. It was the absolute worst day of my life
And every year a few days before Halloween I start feeling those emotions all over again. It seems that every year the anniversary of her birth and death get easier but D Day seems to hurt just as much every year. It also brings up the anger I am able to forget for the rest of the year. The anger I had towards certain people, the anger I had at the Army, the anger I had at God. So from around the 28th of October until around the 6th of November I not a happy person.
This year was pretty hard compared to the past couple years. I am just so tired of going through this alone. But I started out on this path alone at the doctors that day I and guess I will have to continue it alone until I get to be with her again in Heaven.
I just hope one day this day won't be so hard. That I will be able to concentrate on the good things from that day. Like seeing her for the first time on ultrasound or feeling her move for the first time on the ride home. Those are things most parents get to be happy about. I wish I had been able to drive home from the doctor that day with a smile on my face from seeing her and feeling her instead of tears in my eyes knowing when I met her for the first time I would also have to say goodbye to her. There are so many things I wish I could change about that day. But I can't. This is now my life, a life I wouldn't wish on even my worst enemy. A life that while filled with joy if you look close enough you will still see a little bit of sadness in the background.
Even 4 years later I sit here with tears in my eyes thinking I just want my daughter, I want her here with me, healthy and happy.
And every year a few days before Halloween I start feeling those emotions all over again. It seems that every year the anniversary of her birth and death get easier but D Day seems to hurt just as much every year. It also brings up the anger I am able to forget for the rest of the year. The anger I had towards certain people, the anger I had at the Army, the anger I had at God. So from around the 28th of October until around the 6th of November I not a happy person.
This year was pretty hard compared to the past couple years. I am just so tired of going through this alone. But I started out on this path alone at the doctors that day I and guess I will have to continue it alone until I get to be with her again in Heaven.
I just hope one day this day won't be so hard. That I will be able to concentrate on the good things from that day. Like seeing her for the first time on ultrasound or feeling her move for the first time on the ride home. Those are things most parents get to be happy about. I wish I had been able to drive home from the doctor that day with a smile on my face from seeing her and feeling her instead of tears in my eyes knowing when I met her for the first time I would also have to say goodbye to her. There are so many things I wish I could change about that day. But I can't. This is now my life, a life I wouldn't wish on even my worst enemy. A life that while filled with joy if you look close enough you will still see a little bit of sadness in the background.
Even 4 years later I sit here with tears in my eyes thinking I just want my daughter, I want her here with me, healthy and happy.
Sunday, November 11, 2012
Insomnia
Growing up I was always a night owl. But as I got older I needed my sleep, I loved to sleep is more like it, lol. But I have found that ever since I had Isabella I suffer badly from insomnia. At first I really hated it because it would remind me that I should be up taking care of a baby, not crying over the baby I lost. And as the years have gone by I still can't sleep. I am no longer up at night crying. I am not going to lie, usually I am up watching something on Netflix. The past few weeks it was X-files. Though I have finished all those seasons so time to find a new show :)
I don't know if I have just gotten in habit of staying up at night or if it still has something to do with the grieving process. I do know that I HATE it. And it isn't like I finally get so tired that one night I fall asleep at the right time and get back on a schedule. If I should happen to fall asleep at a normal time I wake up around 3-4 am, wide awake. When I don't go to sleep at a normal time then it is usually between 5-6 that I finally fall asleep. Most mornings I am still awake and able to give Dwayne a goodbye kiss before he goes off to PT around 6:00.
Lucky for me I have an amazing husband who comes back home after PT and puts the kids on the bus since usually by bus time I am passed out. And luckily Miss Hannah usually sleeps until around 10 so I can get a few hours of sleep. Though she does like to mess with Mommy sometimes and get up around 8, those mornings make for long days, lol.
I just wish I could figure out what is causing this so I could fix it. I will be so tired and want to sleep so bad that I can't. I will end up waking Dwayne up from crying because I am so upset that I can't fall asleep. I have tried every trick in the book besides prescription drugs. I will NOT take a sleeping pill. Dwayne is already a zombie at night from all his PTSD, anxiety, depression and ADD drugs that I am scared to take something too. What if something happens to the kids at night and neither of us are able to care for them or drive them to the hospital if needed. So minus prescription drugs I haven't found anything that will work. I have tried natural sleep meds, like melatonin and I have tried all the PM stuff from tylenol to advil even the generic version. So anyways if you have any suggestions please let me know because I am out of ideas.
Since Isabella's passing I have read a lot of things on grieving and I haven't come across where this is normal. At first it is but almost 3 years later??? No I haven't found that yet, so if you are another BLM and have this problem please let me know, I would love to not feel so alone. And if you are another BLM and had this problem but were able to stop please let me know the secret, lol.
So now I am going to go lay back down and try yet again to go back to sleep. I have to be up early in the morning tomorrow and will need my energy for our fun day that we have planned. I pray that I will go lay down, close my eyes, and actually fall asleep.
I don't know if I have just gotten in habit of staying up at night or if it still has something to do with the grieving process. I do know that I HATE it. And it isn't like I finally get so tired that one night I fall asleep at the right time and get back on a schedule. If I should happen to fall asleep at a normal time I wake up around 3-4 am, wide awake. When I don't go to sleep at a normal time then it is usually between 5-6 that I finally fall asleep. Most mornings I am still awake and able to give Dwayne a goodbye kiss before he goes off to PT around 6:00.
Lucky for me I have an amazing husband who comes back home after PT and puts the kids on the bus since usually by bus time I am passed out. And luckily Miss Hannah usually sleeps until around 10 so I can get a few hours of sleep. Though she does like to mess with Mommy sometimes and get up around 8, those mornings make for long days, lol.
I just wish I could figure out what is causing this so I could fix it. I will be so tired and want to sleep so bad that I can't. I will end up waking Dwayne up from crying because I am so upset that I can't fall asleep. I have tried every trick in the book besides prescription drugs. I will NOT take a sleeping pill. Dwayne is already a zombie at night from all his PTSD, anxiety, depression and ADD drugs that I am scared to take something too. What if something happens to the kids at night and neither of us are able to care for them or drive them to the hospital if needed. So minus prescription drugs I haven't found anything that will work. I have tried natural sleep meds, like melatonin and I have tried all the PM stuff from tylenol to advil even the generic version. So anyways if you have any suggestions please let me know because I am out of ideas.
Since Isabella's passing I have read a lot of things on grieving and I haven't come across where this is normal. At first it is but almost 3 years later??? No I haven't found that yet, so if you are another BLM and have this problem please let me know, I would love to not feel so alone. And if you are another BLM and had this problem but were able to stop please let me know the secret, lol.
So now I am going to go lay back down and try yet again to go back to sleep. I have to be up early in the morning tomorrow and will need my energy for our fun day that we have planned. I pray that I will go lay down, close my eyes, and actually fall asleep.
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