I never realized how much losing Isabella would change everything, even the innocence and naivety of myself and the kids. I do not have enough hands and toes to count how many times the kids have stated they hope this baby doesn't die. I mean it is almost a daily thing. Sometimes they say they hope it doesn't go to Heaven. I explain that I do hope one day the baby will go to Heaven but just not too soon. I hate that in someways they almost have a negative view of going to Heaven, like it is a bad thing. I try to explain how it is good to go to Heaven, but I guess at their age all they can really understand is that that is where Isabella went and it means she isn't coming back. They don't understand there is a much worse place to go. At their ages they shouldn't have to worry about that, they should be excited about having a new baby brother or sister and not worrying that something could be wrong with the baby and again they won't be able to bring it home. I mean don't get me wrong they are extremely excited and are always talking about the baby, but in those conversations there are always the statements about the baby living or not. It just breaks my heart, they are to young to be having those kinds of worries.
It isn't just the kids though that have lost some of their innocence. Most adults think of the 20 week ultrasound as finding out the sex. They are so excited and that is all they talk about, is it a girl or boy??? We now know that that ultrasound has nothing to do with the sex, they is just a plus. We now know that ultrasound can tell you if your baby will be coming home with you or going home to Jesus. Or if there are other birth defects that will affect the babies life forever. We now know how scary that ultrasound can be. While yes of course I am excited to find out what we are having, I am also terrified of what else they will see besides the reproduction organs.
I don't think losing some of our innocence is a bad thing. Because we now know what can happen it makes us appreciate things more than before. The small things in life we used to take advantage of now mean a lot more. I now know what a blessing it was to be up all night with my babies have lack of sleep. I now know how lucky I was to have spit up covered clothes. I now know that if we get to leave the hospital this time with a baby in our arms, no matter if there are problems or not, that we will be more thankful that we have ever been in our lives.