The Next Few of Weeks..

The next few weeks are going to be very emotional for me. Last year at this time I was counting down to go see the specialist. To finally see my baby on a sonogram, learn if we were having a boy or girl, waiting to hear that the bloodwork was only high because my due date was off or we were expecting twins. That is what I was told to expect by my NP and even by the genetics counselor at the specialist office. The levels in my bloodwork weren't much higher than normal, in those cases it is usually an earlier due date than you thought or twins. Normally with Anencephaly the levels are much higher than what mine were so no one was expecting that or preparing me for it. In the back of my head the worst it could be was spina bifida. I had glimpsed over information on Anencephaly when I researched NTD's and the quad screening bloodwork, but like my naive self never thought it could be that, especially when I read it was rare.

I still remember last halloween like it was yesterday. It was the last holiday before the diagnosis. You see once the diagnosis everything in our life changed and now things are remembered either before or after it. Even though Dwayne was deployed I still made the best of the holiday for the kids, life doesn't stop when your husband is off fighting a war. I still remember how happy we all were that day. It is so crazy to think that 2 days later our world came crashing down around us. That 6 days later my husband would be coming home on emergency leave, his 1st one in 3 deployments. That we would have to fight for him to be allowed to stay and meet his daughter and be able to say goodbye to her.

This time last year we were a normal happy family, well besides Dwayne being deployed, lol. The kids were so excited to find out if they were going to be having a brother or a sister, and I was a little nervous that I might be having twins, lol. I was a twin so it runs in the family and I was already bigger than I should have been at 20 weeks so in my mind it was a big possibility, especially since I was 99% sure my due date wasn't off. I was stressing over how I was going to care for two toddlers and two infants with Dwayne deployed. If only that was true, if only I was being blessed with two healthy babies. How stupid I was to stress over that, how naive I was to think that was the worst thing that could happen to me.

I had no idea in that less than two weeks time I would be shopping for infant urns intead of baby clothes, that I would be having to make a decision on wether to induce or carry to term, in otherwords deciding when my baby should die. I would be deciding if we wanted to bury or cremate my baby I hadn't even met yet. That I would be having to explain to a 2 & 4 year old why their sister wouldn't be coming home but going to Heaven instead.

So just a warning to everyone, these next few weeks are going to be hard for us. I am going to be emotional, on top of the already overly emotional hormonal mood swings I am already going through, lol. So just please bear with me as I work through these emotions, and if you get a chance send a prayer our way for strength and peace during these weeks.