Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Can we make it???

A few weeks after finding out Isabella's diganosis I read some statistics that said most marriages don't make it through the loss of a child. I just skimmed over them thinking that wouldn't be us. Now I wonder will we be part of those statistics? In 9 days it will be our 10 year wedding anniversary and it breaks my heart to think it might be our last one.

Up until a couple of months ago I thought things were going good. I mean of course we had our issues, what marriage doesn't? But things are spiraling out of control very fast. My husband has held things in all this time and has been hiding his depression for so long now. And of course for some reason like most men he can't accept the fact that maybe he might need help. I have done everything I can to help him through this but it is out of my hands. I don't want to give up on us, but it feels like he already has.

I pray and I hope we won't become one of the statistics, and I ask for prayers from you all that we make it through this.

Thursday, August 18, 2011


First off let me explain I am in NO way saying sorry for the way I feel. My father raised me to accept my feelings for what they are. He always told me you can't help how you feel. He also taught me to get my feelings out. I have many memories of him holding me when I was a child and crying and just telling me to let it out, to get it all out. To this day I still do that. I get my feelings out and then am able to move on. Like I said in my last post if I kept holding on to them they would fester and breed hatred in my heart, that is not something I want nor it is healthy for me. So like my Dad taught me I got my feelings out and then I handed them over to God. It is out of my hands now.
I do want to say sorry to a few people that my post may have hurt. I have had some wonderful friends and a cousin who have been there for me and I know haven't forgotten Isabella. They are always around to talk whenever I want and have no problems talking or listening to me talk about Isabella. I have also met some wonderful moms and dads online who have gone through the same thing and I know they remember Isabella the same way I remember their sweet angels. So those people I am sorry if my post hurt you and please know that I am very thankful for your friendship.
One final thing I need to say. Just because I come on here every once in awhile and vent or whatever about my feelings doesn't mean I walk around 24/7 like that. In fact I live a very happy and fulfilled life. Like I have said many times Isabella taught me how very special life is and I take that seriously. I treasure every moment God gives me here on Earth with my loved ones and friends. Yes of course I miss my daughter and for some reason some people can't get it through their heads that I will always miss my daughter. The death of a child or loved one isn't something you "move on" from or "make it through". It is just something you learn to live with. Even though my heart is full of love and happiness there will always be a tiny part of it that is missing her.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011


It has been a year and a half since Isabella was born and passed away, and sadly I feel like she is already forgotten. No matter how much I stress to people how I want her memory to stay alive, they don't seem to care. I say over and over on here and in person who I want to talk about her and want others to talk about but yet hardly anyone does. It breaks my heart to know Dwayne, me and the kids are the only ones that remember her. On her 1 year angelversary we got one thing in the mail from our very wonderful friends,which I am VERY thankful for and proudly display with Isabella's stuff. Not one card from any family member, not one phone call from anyone. How sad is that?? Not only had they failed to remember my daughter, their granddaughter, niece, cousin etc, they also failed to remember me and my family and what we might have been going through.
I mean I didn't expect a big to do but yes I expected at least ONE family member to acknowledge our daughter and that special day!!! The same thing happened at Christmas too. Yes I know this is very late, it is something I have been holding in, and it is just an example of what I mean by she is forgotten. No one brings her up unless I do and then they always seem to want to change the subject right away which just hurts my feels and makes me scared to bring her up again.
I feel like they all expect me to have moved on by now. I will NEVER move on, she is and will always be my daughter and I will and always will miss her and love her. I will take every chance I have to talk about her, share her memory with people, acknowledge that she was here that she was loved and wanted.
I hear stories all the time from others where family and friends acknowledge their angels years later, do things in the angels memory, have pictures hanging up of them, say how much that angel has changed their lives. Oh how my heart wishes for that. How my heart wishes to know that Isabella's short life had a purpose outside of our little family, that she is love and missed by more than Me, Dwayne, Katie and Jonathan.
Maybe people do feel this way but they sure as heck don't tell me. That would mean they would have to mention her and that seems to have become one of the deadly sins.
I am sure this post sounds very selfish and probably mean but I don't care. It is how I am feeling and how I have been feeling for awhile. For me to come to terms with this stuff I have to get it out. The longer I hold it in the longer it will fester and cause more hatred to build up in my heart. Maybe if people had actually come to the hospital and seen and held her it would be different. Maybe they are going by the old saying out of sight out of mind? Who knows. All I know is I carried her in my tummy for 33 weeks, I gave birth to her and held her in my arms during her short life, I was there with her when she went home to Jesus and our other family members up there. I know she was real and I know this pain I feel in my heart is real. But the joy I feel in my heart when she is talked about and remember is also real and it can make that pain just a little more bearable. I truthfully don't understand how anyone could forget or choose to ignore and pretend it didn't happen, I just can't even fathom that. I really don't think I am asking for too much when all I am asking for is my daughter to be remembered.