Thursday, May 3, 2012

Missing You

It has been 795 days  or 113 weeks or 19,080 hours or 1,114,800 minutes or 68,688,000 seconds since I last held you in my arms. No matter how you look at it it has felt like forever, but at the same time feels just like yesterday. I know I don't come on here and write often anymore. I think it is part of my coping mechanism. When I write to you or write in the blog all my emotions come to the surface. I feel horrible not writing more often, but I am just not sure I could handle it all the time either. It does not in any way mean I don't think about you or miss you or love you. It just means Mommy isn't as strong as she would like to be. Hopefully one day I will get there.

There is a show on TV here called Private Practice, and right now one of the characters is pregnant with a baby with Anencephaly. Last night I watched it and afterwards all I could do was think about you. All those emotions I try to keep stuffed down came bubbling up to the surface. I know it isn't healthy to keep them hidden away but I don't know any other way to deal with them. Because of them all coming up last night it felt like it was just yesterday you left us. Everything felt so new and so raw. No matter how much I try to pretend I am okay, I know I am not. No matter how much I try to pretend I have "moved on", I know I haven't. I don't think you can ever move on from something like this. I am just trying to learn to live with it.

 I was so excited when I learned I was pregnant with you. Right away I knew you were a girl. I would sit and day dream about what you would look like, what type of personality you would have. And now I do that too. But instead I sit and day dream about what you are like in Heaven. Do you grow up there or do you stay a baby? Do you know your loved ones or are you all strangers? I like to think that you are still a baby, that when I get to see you again I will be able to hold you in my arms again. I like to think that you are with your grandfather and that he is spoiling you like crazy. If you are with him then you know he never got to meet any of his grandchildren and I know what a wonderful grandfather he would have been. So it comforts me to think that you are with him.

 Recently your little sister had her first birthday. I couldn't help but think that we never got to have a first birthday with you. Every time she hits a milestone I can't help but think we didn't get to do that with you. Don't get me wrong, we LOVE your little sister and are so very happy to celebrate her and her milestones. There will always be a part of my heart that is sad I didn't get to do this stuff with you. But I can be sad and happy at the same time.

 My baby girl I just miss you so much. I look at your pictures we have up around the house everyday and wish you were her. I wish I could watch you grow up. I have so many wishes that I know will never come true. I know I have said this before and I am sure I will say it again, I just hope you know how much we wanted you and how much we love you. How you can never be replaced. How until the day we are with you again we will be missing you.

1 comment:

  1. I also wonder what Olivia is in heaven and hope that she stays small so I can hold her one more time!