Christmas

I waited a few days to write this so my emotions wouldn't be to raw, more of a survival tactic for myself than anything else I guess. I had a few down times on Chrsitmas but for the most part it was a pretty good day. We kept so busy I didn't have much time to think about what we were missing. Not to mention the kids excitment was so contagious it was hard to not be in the spirit!

On Christmas Eve me and Dwayne wrote letters to Isabella and the kids drew her pictures, we put them all in her Stocking for her.

Here is a picture Katie made for her.

She also wrote her a letter that said I miss you Isabella, I love you Isabella. She wrote it all by herself with only getting help with Isabella's name, which she copied off her stocking, lol.

The first picture I took Christmas morning I think Isabella was letting us know she was here.

Check out the top right corner, it is right above her stocking!!

Christmas night though was the best of all. It snowed!! It NEVER snows here on Christmas, I think the last time it did was 1988 or 1989, not sure which. It continued to snow into the next day with us getting a total of almost 13ins!! There hasn't been that much snow in Dec in the area since the 1800's!! Of course most people just take it as a freak of mother nature, but I know Isabella was sending us her love. She showered us like crazy with her love for Christmas!! It was the best present I could get.


The days since Christmas have been harder than the day itself. Each day that passes is just one day closer to her angelversary. It has also been hard seeing everyones pictures with their babies around the same age Isabella would be on their 1st Christmas. I know this next month is going to be hard, but I know God will give me the strength I need.

Oh and before I forget I want to thank Shannon for putting Isabella on her angel tree and sending me this picture.

People will never really understand how important it is for our angels to be remembered, so there are no words to describe how thankful I am to her for adding Isabella to the tree.

no idea

So I have no idea what to put as the title to this blog because I have no idea what I am going to write about. Normally I come on here with an idea of what I am going to write about, today though I just feel this need to write but with no real idea about what.

I have found myself down in the dumps the past couple of days. I am not sure if it is having to go through the holidays without Isabella, if it is my depression trying to make itself known again or just normal pregnancy hormone issues. If I knew maybe it would be easier to fight it and get it under control. The best way to describe it is just feeling blah.

I also find myself getting easily angered by things that normally wouldn't bother me. I find myself snapping at people for no reason. I am having to bite my tongue to keep from saying mean things to people.

I don't want to feel this way. This time of year has always been the happiest time of year for me. Even though we don't have Isabella here with us we do have so much to be thankful for. Even though there are other issues going on in our lives again there is still so much to be thankful for. So why do I feel so down? Why do I feel so negative about everything?

It seems I have had to pull that mask out again. The one that lets me put on a smile and pretend everything is okay. I wish I could put that mask away for good. I wish I could be as happy on the inside as I pretend to be.

I am praying and hoping that whatever this mood is that is visiting me is only here for a short stay. I don't want to feel this way anymore, and it has only been a few days! I can't imagine feeling this way for weeks or months. I want to be the happy carefree person I used to be, the person who wasn't constantly worried about things, the person who found good in everything instead of noticing the bad like I do now. Maybe it is finally hitting me that I will never be that person again. That even during the times I have been happy since Isabella's diagnosis I wasn't and know I will never be that carefree innocent type of happy again.

A Girl...

So we found out on Monday that we will be having another baby girl. The spine and head looked great on the ultrasound so I am more than relieved about that. Of course like they said ultrasounds aren't 100% but they are pretty sure everything there is okay. I have to go back on the 28th for another look at the heart because she wasn't in a good position to see it and they want to take another look at the placenta because it was looking funny to them, they really didn't go into any detail about it so I am not sure really what is going on, but they didn't seem real worried about it.

I am kind of mixed up on the news about a girl. I mean I am more than happy and thrilled and thankful for a healthy baby, no matter boy or girl, but I can't help but wonder how I will handle it. In some ways I think a boy would be easier, I wouldn't have to deal with all the emotions when I go buy baby girl things and after the baby comes home. But at the same time I will finally be able to buy all those baby girl things and bring a baby girl home again. Even though I know it will be hard in some ways it might be theraputic too. I will have to face those emotions and deal with them, where as with a boy I would be able to "ignore" it.

I am also worried people will think this baby girl will be able to "replace" Isabella. That is NOT possible. You can not replace a child. Just because she passed away shortly after birth doesn't make her any less of our baby our child that we love. She can never be replaced. We are just adding to our family, making her a big sister, no different than if she was here with us.

I guess only time will tell with how I will deal with it. I know God must think I am strong enough to deal with it and he thinks it is what is right for us. I have to trust in him, and I know he will get me through it.

Snow!

The day Isabella was born it snowed, the whole trip from KS to VA for her service it snowed, the day of her service it snowed and then the day we got back to KS it snowed. So snow reminds me of her, the tattoo I got for her is a snowflake. Today, the day of the ultrasound it is snowing! Now people from this area know how rare a snowfall this time of year is. If it snows here it isn't until Jan or Feb so this isn't a normal thing.

I am taking this snowfall as a sign of Isabella. Her letting us know she is watching over us and sending her love today. She knows how stressful and worrisome this day is for us and she is comforting us.

Thank you so much baby girl for this beautiful snowfall and for sending your love to us today, we are truly thankful!

Christmas in Heaven

I am spending Christmas in Heaven this year.

I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below, with tiny lights, like Heaven's stars, reflecting in the snow.

The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away that tear, for I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear, but, the sounds of music can't compare with the Christmas choir up here.

For I have no words to tell you, the joy their voices bring, for it is beyond description to hear an angel sing.

I can't tell you of the splendor, or the peace here in this place, can you just imagine the Christmas with our Savior, face to face?

I'll ask him to light your spirit, as I tell him of your love. So then pray for another as you lift your eyes above.

Please let your heart be joyful, and let your spirit sing, for I'm spending Christmas in Heaven and I'm walking with the King.

-John Mooney

I really needed to read this today. I have been feeling kind of down about not having Isabella here for Christmas and it really reminded me how selfish that feeling can be sometimes. How great it must be to celebrate with Jesus himself!

Pregnant Women

I thought by now I would be over this. I thought when I got pregnant again it would be okay. I am getting better around babies but for some reason pregnant women still get to me. And it drives me crazy that I don't know why, lol. I am a control freak so I guess not having control over it is really what drives me crazy.

Everytime I have to go to an OB appointment or an appointment at the specialist office I dread it. I dread having to sit in that waiting room 30 minutes surrounded by pregnant women. I sit there having to hear their prior pregnancy/birth stories and their stories of this pregnancy. It hurts so much to hear those things. I wish I could be in those conversations like I used to be. But I know they don't want to hear about Isabella, she is my child and I would have to include her in those stories.

I think part of it is I no longer have that innocence they all have. I know that ultrasound isn't about finding out about the sex. I know the 16 week blood work isn't just another blood test you don't have to worry about. I know how special each little kick is, no matter how painful they can be. I know how precious each second that my baby is alive in me really is. Like them I am too excited and happy to be pregnant, but unlike them I also know the fear and worry that can come along with it.

I have read from other BLM that some of them feel this way too, that even years later pregnant women still get them. I just wish I could understand it better. I wish I knew what it was about them that gets to me. I wish I could do something about it.