Wednesday, December 22, 2010

no idea

So I have no idea what to put as the title to this blog because I have no idea what I am going to write about. Normally I come on here with an idea of what I am going to write about, today though I just feel this need to write but with no real idea about what.

I have found myself down in the dumps the past couple of days. I am not sure if it is having to go through the holidays without Isabella, if it is my depression trying to make itself known again or just normal pregnancy hormone issues. If I knew maybe it would be easier to fight it and get it under control. The best way to describe it is just feeling blah.

I also find myself getting easily angered by things that normally wouldn't bother me. I find myself snapping at people for no reason. I am having to bite my tongue to keep from saying mean things to people.

I don't want to feel this way. This time of year has always been the happiest time of year for me. Even though we don't have Isabella here with us we do have so much to be thankful for. Even though there are other issues going on in our lives again there is still so much to be thankful for. So why do I feel so down? Why do I feel so negative about everything?

It seems I have had to pull that mask out again. The one that lets me put on a smile and pretend everything is okay. I wish I could put that mask away for good. I wish I could be as happy on the inside as I pretend to be.

I am praying and hoping that whatever this mood is that is visiting me is only here for a short stay. I don't want to feel this way anymore, and it has only been a few days! I can't imagine feeling this way for weeks or months. I want to be the happy carefree person I used to be, the person who wasn't constantly worried about things, the person who found good in everything instead of noticing the bad like I do now. Maybe it is finally hitting me that I will never be that person again. That even during the times I have been happy since Isabella's diagnosis I wasn't and know I will never be that carefree innocent type of happy again.


  1. So sorry you have been feeling down.
    I hope you begin to feel a bit more like yourself very soon.

    It is so strange trying to come to terms with the "new people" we are after facing such loss...wishing you peace at this blessed time of year and always!

  2. There is no rhyme or reason sometimes. I hope that it lifts for you.