Insomnia

Growing up I was always a night owl. But as I got older I needed my sleep, I loved to sleep is more like it, lol. But I have found that ever since I had Isabella I suffer badly from insomnia. At first I really hated it because it would remind me that I should be up taking care of a baby, not crying over the baby I lost. And as the years have gone by I still can't sleep. I am no longer up at night crying. I am not going to lie, usually I am up watching something on Netflix. The past few weeks it was X-files. Though I have finished all those seasons so time to find a new show :)

I don't know if I have just gotten in habit of staying up at night or if it still has something to do with the grieving process. I do know that I HATE it. And it isn't like I finally get so tired that one night I fall asleep at the right time and get back on a schedule. If I should happen to fall asleep at a normal time I wake up around 3-4 am, wide awake. When I don't go to sleep at a normal time then it is usually between 5-6 that I finally fall asleep. Most mornings I am still awake and able to give Dwayne a goodbye kiss before he goes off to PT around 6:00.

Lucky for me I have an amazing husband who comes back home after PT and puts the kids on the bus since usually by bus time I am passed out. And luckily Miss Hannah usually sleeps until around 10 so I can get a few hours of sleep. Though she does like to mess with Mommy sometimes and get up around 8, those mornings make for long days, lol.

I just wish I could figure out what is causing this so I could fix it. I will be so tired and want to sleep so bad that I can't. I will end up waking Dwayne up from crying because I am so upset that I can't fall asleep. I have tried every trick in the book besides prescription drugs. I will NOT take a sleeping pill. Dwayne is already a zombie at night from all his PTSD, anxiety, depression and ADD drugs that I am scared to take something too. What if something happens to the kids at night and neither of us are able to care for them or drive them to the hospital if needed. So minus prescription drugs I haven't found anything that will work. I have tried natural sleep meds, like melatonin and I have tried all the PM stuff from tylenol to advil even the generic version. So anyways if you have any suggestions please let me know because I am out of ideas.

Since Isabella's passing I have read a lot of things on grieving and I haven't come across where this is normal.  At first it is but almost 3 years later??? No I haven't found that yet, so if you are another BLM and have this problem please let me know, I would love to not feel so alone. And if you are another BLM and had this problem but were able to stop please let me know the secret, lol.

So now I am going to go lay back down and try yet again to go back to sleep. I have to be up early in the morning tomorrow and will need my energy for our fun day that we have planned. I pray that I will go lay down, close my eyes, and actually fall asleep.

Purpose

I would think it is pretty obvious but yet I feel the need to explain the purpose for this blog. Not only is it to help other people going through or who have gone through the same things it is also a therapeutic process for me.

Writing things down and getting them off my chest is one of the many ways I deal with stress and depression and other issues in life. I come on here type it all out, get it off my chest and usually am able to feel better and move on a bit from whatever was bothering me.

Part of that process is honesty. I am not going to lie or hold back on my blog. If you don't like it, don't read it. It is that simple. If something I say bothers you or offends you I am sorry but I am not going to stop. I am not going to sensor everything I write to make sure I don't upset anyone. How would that help me? Holding things in is never a good thing. I won't come on here and write stuff to purposely hurt people, but I can't help it if something I feel or say on here upsets someone.

I have always been the type of person that thinks you should never apologize for your feelings. You can apologize for how you handle them but you should never have to for feeling them. You can't handle how you feel, it isn't something you can control. You should respect other people's feelings even if you don't agree with them. This blog for me is a big way for me to get my feelings out. If you can not respect my feelings then  please stop reading my blog, again, it is that simple. If you do not like what I say there is this little x button at the top right of your screen, click on it. It will make it all go away :)

Quotes

For as long as I can remember I have loved to read quotes, whenever I am going through something I start looking up quotes. They seem to help me cope a little bit, I am not sure why. So I figured I would share the quotes that have helped me with Isabella.



Our joy's will be greater, our love will be deeper, our lives will be fuller, because we shared your moment.

Love Bear's All Things, Believes All Things, Hope's All Things, Endure's All Things, Love Never Ends.Corinthians 13:7-8

We could hold you in our hands, now we hold you in our hearts.

And we remember you with love in our hearts.

Thank you for the gift of you. You gave us hope by just being you! After the hurting and healing are through, we'll treasure most of all the gift of you.

There is no foot so small it cannot leave an imprint on this earth.

Sometimes love is a moment, sometimes love is a lifetime, sometimes a moment is a lifetime.

A life so brief, a child so small, you had the power to touch us all.

An angel with the book of life wrote down my baby's birth, and whispered as she closed the book, "too beautiful for earth".

A moment in our arms, a lifetime in our hearts.

Loved with a love beyond telling, missed with a grief beyond all tears.

Some people only dream of angels, we held one in our arms.

Each new life, no matter how fragile or brief, forever changes the world.

Softly the leaves of memory fall. Gently I gather and treasure them all. Unseen unheard you are always near, so missed, so loved, so very dear. No longer in our lives to share, but in our hearts you're always there.

How very softly you tiptoed into our world, Almost silently, only for a moment you stayed. But what an imprint your footprints left upon our hearts.

Each new life, no matter how brief, forever changes the world.

If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever.

Some say you're to painful to remember, I say you're to precious to forget.

Because someone we love is in Heaven, we feel Heaven in our home.

It has been said "time heals all wounds"...I do not agree. The wound remain. In time, the mind protecting it's sanity covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens, but it's never gone. -Rose Kennedy

I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart) I am never without it. E.E. Cummings

You may not be living here for all to see but in my heart you will be living forever, you will always be with me.

As long as I live you will live. As long as I  live you will be remembered. As long as I live you will be loved.

To remember is painful, to forget is impossible.

What we have once enjoyed and deeply loved we can never lose, for all that we love deeply becomes a part of us. Helen Keller

Dear Lord, I would have loved to have held my baby on my lap and tell her about you, but since I didn't get the chance, would you please hold her on your lap and tell her about me?

A life may last for just a moment, but memory can make that moment last forever.

Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born, I set you apart. Jeremiah 1:5

God saw you getting tired, a cure not meant to be. So he put his arms around you and whispered, "Come with me". With tearful eyes we watched you and saw you fade away, although we loved you dearly, we could not make you stay. A golden heart stopped beating, your tender hands at rest. God took you home to prove to us he only takes the best.

A thousand words can't bring you back, I know because I tried. And neither can a million tears, I know because I cried.

Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal.

I know I'll see the sun shine bright upon my babies face, When I finally get to Heaven all my pain will be erased. We'll soar the skies together, as angels two by two. We'll have a sweet reunion, this mother's dream come true!

Everyone grieves in different ways. For some, it could take longer or shorter. I do know it never disappears. An ember still smolders inside me. Most days, I don't notice it, but, out of the blue, it'll flare to life.

It broke my heart to lose you, but you didn't go alone. For part of me went with you, the day God took you home.



I know I have many many many many more that I have looked at over the years but right now I can barely keep my eyes open. If you have some that you would like to share please leave a comment with them.

D Day: 3rd Anniversary

I have been thinking for a couple days what I was going to write today. Should I go back over every minute of this day 3 years ago? Should I write where I am now in the grieving process? Should I just do a little about both?

And as I sit here alone, like I was 3 years ago on this day I still don't know what to write. I want to write about everything I remember from that day, the good and the bad. I think rewriting it all the time helps to keep in fresh in my mind, but at the same time it can also be so emotionally draining and I am sure people get tired of reading the same thing over and over again.

I want to write about where I am now because I don't want people to think I still sit around the house crying my eyes out all the time. I want them to understand it is a journey, a never ending one, with sad AND happy times.

So I am just going to start typing whatever comes to mind. Please excuse me if I make no sense and am jumping all over the place and I apologize in advance if this becomes a book instead of a blog post :)

I remember running late because the hourly care CDC had messed up my appointment and only booked a slot for Katie and not Jonathan. I remember freaking out because I had NO friends there that could watch Jonathan and the doctors office stressed NO kids. Maybe the receptionist could see on my face something to explain how bad this was because they found a way to squeeze him in. I don't remember much on my hour drive to the specialist in Topeka. Then again anyone that has driven that knows how BORING it is and how easy it can be to start day dreaming on that drive. I do remember being very worried about being pulled over since I was driving like a bat out of hell to make it there in time. And no I didn't make it in time but I was only about 15 minutes late, though most of that was spent trying to find the hospital since I had never been there before, lol.

I remember no one being at the desk when I went to sign in. I was worried if they didn't show up soon I would miss my appointment because you can only be but so late and they had no idea how long I had been waiting outside the little sign in office, lol.

I remember talking to the genetics counselor and her asking the same things the one in Savannah asked when I was pregnant with Katie, and like her she said she saw no reason from our family history that something could be wrong. She also said with how low the levels were with my blood test that the positive for an NTD was probably just from my dates being off or me being pregnant with twins.

I remember them then taking me into a waiting room with other people. I was surrounded by couples. I felt a mix of emotions in this room. I was so jealous that these other women had their husbands with them, I will now blame this on pregnancy hormones lol, and I wanted to cry because I had that mothers gut feeling that something was wrong and I wanted Dwayne with me.

I remember laying on the table with the ultrasound tech moving the thing around on my tummy looking at stuff on the screen, I was looking at the tv hung in front of the bed but even after my 3 previous babies unless it is on 3d I have no idea what I am looking at until they point it out, lol.

I remember starting to feel a little bit at piece, that maybe everyone was right and my gut feeling was wrong, that every thing was okay. It was seeming to be just like a normal ultrasound. She was showing me feet, legs, arms, hands, her heart and then asked if I wanted to know the sex. I of course said yes and she said a girl. Well my gut was right there, I knew all along she was a girl, I remember smiling at that.

I remember her putting it on the 3d finally and I got to see my baby girls face! I remember thinking she looked a lot like Katie from the ultrasound. I remember her asking me a lot of questions about my husband being deployed and what kind of support system I had with him gone. I told her none since the few friends I had had moved away or I found out weren't really friends to begin with. At the time I thought it was just small talk but now I understand. She then told me she had to go get the doctor. I knew that wasn't a good sign.

I remember the doctor and another lady walking in, that lady was a social worker, the result of that small talk about no support system at home. Though I didn't know at first who she was, she stood off to the side. I remember being so nervous right before and after the doctor walked in. I am guessing the tech showed the pictures to the doctor because he came in and told me the news without doing an ultrasound himself. Though after talking to me he did start doing one and started showing me the anencephaly.

I remember the genetics counselor coming in the room in shock and tearing up over the diagnosis. I remember her whispering to the tech that the levels should have been much higher in my blood test for this.

I remember the social worker talking to me but for the life of me I can't remember anything that she said.

I remember the tech asking if I would some pictures of the baby, I of course said yes. She printed off two 3d ones of her face and 1 regular one of her whole body.

I remember them taking me to another room and the social worker staying in there with me. It wasn't an exam room, it was a small room with a few chairs in it. They wanted to make sure I was okay to drive home since I had no one to come get me. I remember her giving me tissues and again talking to me but I don't remember much of what she was saying. I remember it all being kind words though. I also remember her giving me some books and papers on baby loss and other things like that.

Minus finding out the worst news of my life I remember how kind everyone was. How nice the doctor was with talking to me about my options, not pressuring me into anything and telling me it was my choice. I remember him telling me they would make sure a red cross message got out and they would do whatever they could to get Dwayne home. I remember them all taking turns holding my hand and giving it squeezes here and there. I remember them all being patient with me and answering all of my questions honestly and kindly. Never once did they make my baby girl to seem like a monster, like I have heard of other doctors and nurses doing.

I have no memory of leaving the hospital or starting my drive home. My next memory is my mother calling me, I think maybe 20 minutes into my drive. I remember some hurtful things she said, I am sure she probably said some nice things but I can't remember them.

I remember my sister calling after her. I don't remember much of what was said but I remember talking to her for quite a while, I am not sure if I would have made the drive without that. I know if I wasn't talking to her I would have probably been to blinded by my tears to drive that hour home.

I remember sometime on that ride home finally feeling my baby girl move for the first time. I was 22 weeks pregnant and hadn't felt her move. I remember the doctor telling me that can be normal with babies with anencephaly. I remember my tears of joy and sadness at feeling her. And it wasn't like the normal little butterfly movement feeling, it was full blown moving and kicking. Like she waited for just that moment to let me know she was there.

I remember when I was almost to my exit that I suddenly remembered that my van was no longer legal. I needed to stickers for my plate, they expired on Halloween, 2 days earlier. It fell on the weekend so this was the 1st day the place was open to go get new ones. I had to go do it because I couldn't get back on post with expired tags.

I remember being in that building getting the stickers but have NO idea how I managed to be normal in there. I didn't cry, I smiled and talked like it was any other day.

I remember trying to decide if I should pick up the kids or let them stay longer and go home and be alone for a little bit. I decided to get them because I didn't want to be alone.

I remember walking into the room to get Jonathan and Katie. I still remember her HUGE smile on her face as she came running up to me asking if it was a boy or girl. I remember putting a huge fake smile on my face and telling her she would have a little sister. I remember getting the congrats from the ladies working there who I had watched my pregnancy progress over the months, they were just as excited for a new baby girl. I never did tell them the news, and to this day I wonder what they thought when all of a sudden I wasn't pregnant anymore and I wasn't dropping a baby off with the other kids. Maybe one of them told them, I don't know.

I remember being at home crying and Katie asked me why. I knew I had to tell her something. I knew I should wait for Dwayne but who knew how long before I heard from him and if they would let him come home. I didn't want to lie to her and I knew there was no way I could hide my hurt and pain from her. So I told her the baby was sick, that she had a boo boo on her head and that after she came out of my tummy that God would take her to heaven to be an angel. I remember her asking questions and me answering them as honestly as I could for a 4 year old to kind of understand. I don't remember what the questions were though.

I remember on and off talking to my friend Lisa on yahoo messenger, my friend Renee on the phone, my cousin on the phone and my mother in law on the phone. I am sure I talked to my mom some too but I can't remember.

I remember sleeping on the couch that night but not actually getting much sleep, I have no idea why I didn't go up to my bed. I am guessing in case Dwayne got online I would hear him IM me.

I never talked to my husband that day. Their internet and phones were down. It was actually 2 days later I talked to him when he got the red cross message and they drove him to another COP to call me. Though I remember him saying he just knew something was wrong, that he could feel it. So for me D day is more than just one day. There is the day I got the diagnosis, the days waiting to hear from my husband. The day I finally did and I had to tell him over the phone what was actually going on since somehow between the specialist who did the ultrasound, the nurse at the hospital on post who did the red cross message and whatever happens to it between there and when my husbands unit gets it, the message ended up saying I was going to have a miscarriage. So he had no idea when he called just how bad the news was. My D day continues on the 2 days it took for him to fly home. So all in all my D day to me was 5 days long.

After my 5 days of D day it turned into 4 weeks of fighting the Army to allow my husband to stay home, but that is for another post, lol.

I know this post but seem really long but sadly that isn't much for a 5 day period. After I got home and talked to Katie and Jonathan about Isabella's boo boo I don't remember much else until I was at the airport picking my husband up. It is literally like those days didn't happen. I remember that I continued to talk to those same people I mentioned above. That they are what kept me going until Dwayne came home. I remember posting a status update on facebook about what was going on since most people on there knew of my blood test results and that I was going to see the specialist to find out about it. I remember lots of loving comments and messages from people. And please let me apologize to most of you for not responding. It meant so much to me but I just wasn't in a good emotional place and didn't have the strength to respond to everyone. I remember constantly looking at the ultrasound pictures and crying because I loved this baby girl so much and had wanted and prayed for her. I remember that the name Isabella Grace popped into my head and just wouldn't leave no matter how much I tried to talk myself out of it. Not because I didn't like it but because we usually use at least on family member name. But obviously I stuck with it because I just kept going back to it like she was telling me she wanted that name.

Now 3 years later when I look back what I remember the most from that day is this picture.

Does anyone else see the hand in the picture? I know it isn't a real hand but I remember seeing it and it looked like a hand lovingly touching her face. Anyways I just remember noticing that in those days, lol. But most of all I remember looking at this picture and just knowing in my heart that I wanted to carry her in my tummy as long as the Lord allowed. And thankfully the Lord did his work and Dwayne was allowed to stay home and we learned between our insurance and the post hospital I wasn't allowed to induce early without a medical reason. He allowed me to carry her for 33 weeks in my tummy and 3 wonderful minutes in my arms before she went home to Heaven.

It is almost 15 minutes until this day is over and I have only cried once. And like 3 years ago it was while I was driving alone down an interstate. One of the songs that reminds me of Isabella came on the radio tonight as I was driving back from a toys for tots class and I am not ashamed to admit that I shed some tears. I know that for the rest of my life there will be days that I cry, and I know that is okay. It doesn't make me a weak person and it doesn't mean that I am not not "moving on", it means I am human and I miss my baby girl.

To those of you who made it through and read the whole post if I had one I would give you a cookie :) Thank you for taking time out of your day to read about my journey through my D Days and our precious baby girl who now looks down on all of us from Heaven.

3 years ago

3 years ago on this date I said goodbye to my husband for his third deployment. I was around 3 months pregnant with Isabella. He had never deployed when I was pregnant before. It was always about a month after a baby was born. So I was so scared how I was going to handle this deployment. I don't have good pregnancies and to be pregnant and have to take care of Katie who was 4 years old and Jonathan who was 2 years old without my husband scared me. I was also scared he would miss the birth of the baby, at the time we didn't know she was a girl. I really wondered how in the world we would survive that deployment.

Then a little under 2 month later I found out about the Anencephaly, Dwayne found out a few days after me when he finally got the red cross message. He was sent home on emergency leave. We got that extended because we were trying to figure out what we were going to do. After finding out we couldn't induce because the insurance wouldn't cover it, since it is a government insurance, we fought for him to stay until the birth, it took lots of fighting, pleading and letters to the congresswoman and news stations before they let him stay. At that time we wondered how we were going to survive the next few months. How do you go on caring a baby you know is going to die. Once he was able to stay home I was relieved because I did want to carry her as long as I could and to know he would be there with me at her birth and to get to meet her and say goodbye to her was very important to him.

Then at 32 weeks along I had to go to the ER because my asthma was getting really bad. I got a breathing treatment and was left with a joke by a doctor, that I guess didn't read my chart, that once I got that baby out of me I would be great.  I had a followup appointment with my doctor the next day, the 25th of Jan, where we learned just how bad the extra fluid had gotten. He recommended inducing because it was the extra fluid making it hard for me to breath and would only get worse. Which also meant less oxygen getting to Isabella. My worse fear was her being stillborn so we agreed to it. Since Katie's 5th Birthday was the day before we decided to wait until the 29th for the induction so in the future her birthday wouldn't be clouded by the death of her sister.

Those next 4 days I wondered how in the world we would survive the death of our daughter and if she would survive the birth. Those four days were busy trying to get Dwayne's leave taken care of, he totaled our van after passing out and flipping it over, then dealing with the insurance and trying to make sure we had everything we wanted for the birth. I still remember Dwayne wanting to buy a car seat and I said no way. He was hopeful that she would be one of the ones to survive for days or months where I am a realist and didn't want to deal with seeing the car seat we bought to bring our daughter home and it never happened. I told him if she survives and gets to come home then he can buy a car seat before we leave the hospital.

On Friday the 29th of Jan at 33 weeks pregnant we headed to the hospital a couple of hours late for the induction. There is no real reason why we were late, I just kept coming up with things I had to do before we go. I was trying to put it off. Dwayne finally made me go. I still remember being scared they were going to say something at the hospital about us being late but they never did. I guess maybe they understood since my doctor had already prepared everyone of the situation. The labor was so long and difficult that I wondered if Isabella or even myself would survive it. I lost way to much blood had a scary reaction to the epidural and they had to use extreme measures to get her out of the birth canal. We both survived. She lived for 3 wonderful minutes. In those 3 minutes I didn't think of anything except how beautiful she was, how lucky we were that she was born alive and how happy we were to have her in our family, no matter how short she would be here with us.

Then at 10:55 am my nurse checked her pulse and it was gone. My tears of happiness turned to tears of sadness. At the time I went from being happy that she was born alive to being angry that we only had 3 minutes with her. I went from being happy that she survived the birth to wondering how in the hell I would survive losing my daughter. I have actually never said that out loud or written down just how angry I was that she only lived 3 minutes. I am not going to lie even to this day while I am VERY thankful for her being alive and for those 3 minutes there are times when I read other peoples stories who had hours, days or months with their babies I get a bit jealous and angry and wonder why didn't we get that time with her? I got over that initial anger, yes it did and still does come back sometimes, and just enjoyed holding her and looking at her and spending some time with her. Yes I knew she wasn't in her body anymore but it is still very comforting to do that. Most people who have never lost a baby just don't understand that. In fact I wish I had spent more time with her body in my room.

The next day I was released from the hospital when the doctor was happy with my blood test results, from where I lost a lot of blood. As I was sitting there in the bed listening to my nurse go over my release paperwork I was wondering how I would survive leaving the hospital with my arms empty. Knowing my baby girl was laying in some cold room somewhere waiting for the funeral home to come get her body. And I won't even get started on how long it took them to come get her, boy was I angry and still get angry to this day thinking about it. Just 3 years earlier that same month I left that same hospital with Jonathan in my arms. I just didn't think I would be able to leave without her.

The next few months after that are pretty much a blur. I remember them trying to send Dwayne back to Iraq but that not happening thanks to a great woman saying he couldn't be deployed due to depression from losing his daughter. I remember some of our trip out to VA and some of her memorial service there. I remember thinking I would never survive this, that I would just die from the pain in my heart. Most people had no idea what I was going through, I don't think my husband even knew how bad it was. I learned very young how to put a smile on my face and say everything was okay.

I look back now and realize I never really started the grieving process until months later, I was just too numb. What started it was a neighbor who became a great friend. She wanted to talk about Isabella, she wanted to hear everything and asked me lots of questions. She didn't change the subject when her name came up or avoid it at all. She didn't act like it didn't happen. Being able to talk about her started to thaw out my heart and open it up to the love and happiness that Isabella brought us in those 33 weeks and 3 minutes she was here with us. Even though sometimes those talks lead me to tears they were tears of happiness and that smile on my face wasn't faked.

Now as I sit here 3 years later I am still in the grieving process, and truthfully I will probably never leave it. Even while I celebrate her life I will always grieve for her. I sit here wondering how in the hell we did survive all of that. I know that we are still trying to survive it. While 3 years later it is a lot easier and the bad days are less and less they are still there and on those days I wonder if I will survive. But as one of my favorite songs say "I am a survivor". While most people put that saying with cancer for me it goes with past 3 years of my life and every year in the future until I am with my daughter. I survived them and I will continue to be a survivor until I can hold her in my arms again. I will fight everyday to celebrate her life, I will fight that anger and sadness that tries to surface every now and then to take away my happiness and I will survive that fight. I will fight it and I will survive it because that is what Isabella taught me to do. She taught me just how special life is and I am not going to let her down. She has made me a survivor.

Untitled

I saw this poem posted on Facebook this morning from I Am Mother To An Angel and I felt the need to share it.

Hello old friend,
Oh yes you know
I lost my child not long ago.
No, no please
Don’t look away
And change the subject
It’s ok.
You see at first I couldn’t feel,
It took so long, but now it’s real.
I hurt so much inside you see
If I need to talk,
Come sit with me?
You see, I was numb for so very long,
And people say, “My, she is so strong.”
They did not know I couldn’t feel,
My broken heart made all unreal.
But then one day, as I awoke
I clutched my chest, began to choke,
Such a scream, such a wail,
Broke from me..
My child! My child!
The horror of reality.
But everyone has moved on, you see,
everyone except for me.
Now, when I need friends most of all,
Between us there now stands a wall.
My pain is more than they can bear,
When I mention my child,
I see their blank stare.
“But I thought you were over it,”
Their eyes seem to say--
No, no, I can’t listen to this, not today.
So I smile and pretend, and say, “Oh, I’m ok”.
But inside I am crying, as I turn away.
And so my old friend, I shall paint on a smile,
As I have from the start,
You never knowing all the while, 
All I’ve just said to you in my heart.

I Will Carry You

Even years later when I hear this song it makes me think of you. It brings tears of happiness and sadness to my eyes. I will never get tired of hearing songs that remind me of you! *Remember to pause the player on the bottom of the page if you want to listen to the song.

For those of you that haven't read this book yet, I Will Carry You: The Sacred Dance of Grief and Joy, I highly recommend it. It is a great read even for those of you who haven't lost a baby.

I will carry you All my life And I will praise the One Who’s chosen me To carry you

Did you just get the diagnosis?

I see that a lot of people come to my blog by searching for Anencephaly. I also see a lot of people coming to my blog from other blogs about Anencepahly and see them going to read the other blogs on my list about Anencepahly. It makes me wonder if these people recently got an Anencephaly Diagnosis or know someone who did.

I know when I first got it one of the first things I did was search online. I wanted to find out what other people did. I wanted to learn all I could about it. I wanted to not feel so alone. Some of those blog listed on the right side of my page I read shortly after I found out about Isabella, before I knew that eventually I would "meet" these wonderful people through online groups, other Anen moms, etc.

So if you are coming to my blog shortly after getting this diagnosis, please know you are NOT alone. I am here for you. You can contact me through my facebook page, link on the right side of the blog. You can e-mail me at junnebug97@gmail.com. I am here for you. I will answer whatever questions you have, I will just listen to what you have to say, I can point you in the direction of online support groups and websites with information. I know when you google Anencephaly you can see some scary things but there are good websites out there too. Whatever it is you may need I will try to help you. I remember how those first few days, weeks, months were. And being able to talk to others who went through or were going through the same thing really helped me. I continue to keep in touch with those ladies because even years later it is hard and they understand.

You may feel like you are lost and you are alone. But you aren't. There are many of us out there, many wonderful people who would love to know you, know your baby. They would love to be there for you and help you on this journey. If you do not feel comfortable contacting me or any of the other blogs you have read there are some wonderful facebook groups that can help you. You can join and not talk to anyone if you don't feel up to it. Sometimes just reading what other people write, knowing that they are feeling the same way can help.

During my last couple weeks of pregnancy I found this wonderful site, http://www.anencephalie-info.org/e/stories.php. It really helped to read this stories. Know I did sit there and cry my eyes when I was reading them. Some out of sadness, some out of joy, and some from just being a pregnant hormonal mess, lol. But it felt good to read those, felt like I wasn't alone.

As much as our friends and loved ones want to be there for us, sometimes we need more. Sometimes we need to hear from others who have been where we are. So please do not be afraid to reach out to me or someone else who understands what you are going through. Remember you do not need to go through this alone.

Magnets???

First let me start off by saying I am in no way getting paid for this blog post. I was however contacted by http://www.magnetsonthecheap.com/ , also affiliated with http://www.signsonthecheap.com/ and http://www.bannersonthecheap.com/, with an offer for free magnets :) At first I wasn't sure. I mean did I really want a magnet with my blog info on my van for the world to see?? Then it hit me, this is a way I can help spread the word on Anencephaly and Folic Acid Awareness! And a way to keep my baby girls memory alive and do good in her name! I decided it wasn't much different than decals people get and this way if we get a new vehicle we could transfer it.

So right away I went to make my custom magnet. Now many years ago I did play around with Paint Shop Pro so it was a breeze for me to make this, but I really do believe that anyone could easily make their own. If you aren't up to making you own they have templates to choose from too! They also have a few different sizes to choose from. I picked the smallest one, 9x12.  Since you can make your own custom magnet there are endless possibilities on what you can use them for!

We have been driving around since Friday with them on the van and have had no issues. They stay put, besides when my kids feel the need to move them around :) I love to see people looking at them when we are at a light or in the parking lot. If just one of them goes to the blog and learns about Anencephaly I will be happy.

So thank you to the people at http://www.magnetsonthecheap.com/, I LOVE my magnets :)

Over You

The first time I heard this song I thought of you. And every time afterwards I think of you. It drew me right in when in the first line it mentions snow. Every time it comes on while we are driving I turn it way up and sing at the top of my lungs to you. Luckily people in the other vehicles can't hear me :) But I hope you can. To listen to it you will need to scroll down and pause the music player at the bottom, that is unless you like listening to two songs at the same time

International Bereaved Mother's Day

Today is International Bereaved Mother's Day. It is a day to honor and remember those of us who have lost a baby or child. Every loss is hard, it is never easy to say goodbye to someone you love. But there is nothing like losing your child. As much as we hate it we expect our older loved ones to go before us, we know eventually we will have to say goodbye to them. You never expect to have to do that with your own child. They are supposed to outlive us.

Our hearts will never fully heal. There will always be a touch of sadness we can't get rid of. On days like today I hope that we can celebrate the lives of our wonderful children instead of dwelling on that sadness. Today we celebrate that we did have a child, that we are still their mother! As much as society would like us to forget or move on, we know that isn't possible, and it shouldn't be. No matter when you lost your child you were and are still their mother. No matter how much time you had with them before they went to Heaven you still loved them, still cherished them. They are still our babies. We will always be their mother.

So today we should all celebrate these wonderful moms and celebrate their special babies. Today we honor them and show them that we haven't forgotten. To all my baby loss moms out there, today I am thinking of you and your angels. I am celebrating their life along with Isabella's. I hope everyone will join me in this and show these wonderful Mother's that we love them and their babies and that we celebrate them! If you know someone who has lost a baby or child let them know you haven't forgotten. You have no way of knowing how much that would mean to them. I can't put in to words how wonderful that feels!

Missing You

It has been 795 days  or 113 weeks or 19,080 hours or 1,114,800 minutes or 68,688,000 seconds since I last held you in my arms. No matter how you look at it it has felt like forever, but at the same time feels just like yesterday. I know I don't come on here and write often anymore. I think it is part of my coping mechanism. When I write to you or write in the blog all my emotions come to the surface. I feel horrible not writing more often, but I am just not sure I could handle it all the time either. It does not in any way mean I don't think about you or miss you or love you. It just means Mommy isn't as strong as she would like to be. Hopefully one day I will get there.

There is a show on TV here called Private Practice, and right now one of the characters is pregnant with a baby with Anencephaly. Last night I watched it and afterwards all I could do was think about you. All those emotions I try to keep stuffed down came bubbling up to the surface. I know it isn't healthy to keep them hidden away but I don't know any other way to deal with them. Because of them all coming up last night it felt like it was just yesterday you left us. Everything felt so new and so raw. No matter how much I try to pretend I am okay, I know I am not. No matter how much I try to pretend I have "moved on", I know I haven't. I don't think you can ever move on from something like this. I am just trying to learn to live with it.

 I was so excited when I learned I was pregnant with you. Right away I knew you were a girl. I would sit and day dream about what you would look like, what type of personality you would have. And now I do that too. But instead I sit and day dream about what you are like in Heaven. Do you grow up there or do you stay a baby? Do you know your loved ones or are you all strangers? I like to think that you are still a baby, that when I get to see you again I will be able to hold you in my arms again. I like to think that you are with your grandfather and that he is spoiling you like crazy. If you are with him then you know he never got to meet any of his grandchildren and I know what a wonderful grandfather he would have been. So it comforts me to think that you are with him.

 Recently your little sister had her first birthday. I couldn't help but think that we never got to have a first birthday with you. Every time she hits a milestone I can't help but think we didn't get to do that with you. Don't get me wrong, we LOVE your little sister and are so very happy to celebrate her and her milestones. There will always be a part of my heart that is sad I didn't get to do this stuff with you. But I can be sad and happy at the same time.

 My baby girl I just miss you so much. I look at your pictures we have up around the house everyday and wish you were her. I wish I could watch you grow up. I have so many wishes that I know will never come true. I know I have said this before and I am sure I will say it again, I just hope you know how much we wanted you and how much we love you. How you can never be replaced. How until the day we are with you again we will be missing you.

Dear Family and Friends..

I can't believe how little my family and friends have learned from my experience with Isabella. I only know of one family member who is taking folic acid now. It saddens me. I had hoped that at least losing Isabella would help prevent it from happening to someone else. So I am going to try and stress yet again how important it is. If you are in your child bearing years you NEED to being taking folic acid, even if you aren't trying to get pregnant. It needs to be taken for at least 3 months before you get pregnant to have it build up in your system and if you wait until you are pregnant it is too late to prevent an open neural tube defect. It happens so early in the pregnancy, most of the time before you even know you are pregnant.

If you are related to someone who has had a baby with a NTD(neural tube defect) then you are more likely yourself to have one. If you are a girl dating/married to a guy who is related to someone who has had a baby with it you are still more likely to have a baby with one. TAKE YOUR FOLIC ACID! It isn't that hard. You can get a prescription from your doctor or buy it yourself over the counter. Talk to your doctor, you may need a higher dose than the average person if again you are related to someone who has had a baby with it.

Even if you aren't related to someone who had a baby with it you should still be taking folic acid. It can happen to anyone. Before Isabella there was no other baby in my family who had this, that we know of. If I had known about folic acid and how important it was during the 1st few weeks of pregnancy this might not have happened to her. I just don't understand why anyone wouldn't want to prevent this, all it takes is taking a pill or pills! It isn't that hard.

Again if you are in your child bearing years, aka are having a period, then TAKE YOUR FOLIC ACID! If you are male then make sure your girlfriend/wife is taking it! Again even if you are on BC or not sexually active you still need to take it!! Over 50% of pregnancies are accidents, why take the chance???

Don't let Isabella's life mean nothing. Let her help you all in preventing it from happening to you!