Monday, June 28, 2010

12 weeks

Yesterday was 12 week since Isabella was born and passed away. It was a VERY hard day for me. I spent it at Dwayne's unit for their SHE-IB thing. There were 5 babies there around the age Isabella would be, one of the women being a wife of the same company Dwayne was in so we were pregnant together. I did better than I thought I would. First was just proud I went and didn't avoid it like I normally would have. I never did though get the courage to go up near any of the babies or talk to the woman I was pregnat with at the same time. I did have to go to the van a couple times to let some tears out cause I felt like I was going to explode holding them. Real fast a shout out to my cousin Melissa who I called crying, lol. SHe was great letting me get it out then talking about other things so I could "calm" down and not go back out there an emotional wreck, lol.

I actually e-mailed Christian, the lady I was pregnant at the same time with, and apologized for being rude, normally we would have at least said hi and talked for a bit. She was actually very nice about it and said she understood. She said she figured it would still be hard for me and that is why she didn't come talk to me. I am thankful for that. I know if she had come over I would have probably broken down in front of everyone, lol.

I thought by now I would be over this part. I am good walking in the baby section at a store now, though when I see cute little baby girl clothes it does pull at my heart but I don't break down. I am good talking about her without breaking down, I actually LOVE to talk about her but most people don't want to listen, lol. I am no longer an emotional wreck on a daily basis, I only get teary eyed at night when I pray to God to give her a kiss and tell her I love her. Pretty much life has gotten back to normal. That is until I am around a baby the same age she would be or was due around the same time she was.If I am in a public place I walk away about to cry. At Katie's school I see two everyday and sometimes have to send Dwayne to take her to school, and I feel bad when I am there because I know the moms must think I am rude because I don't talk to them or look at their babies and ooh and ahh like the other women. Yesterday was the 1st day I didn't allow myself to run away, though I wasn't ready to face them head on either. One of the soldiers running one of the events had his baby with him there all day. Dwayne had to go get the paperwork and teach me that part because I just couldn't face it. I hate being this way. I have always LOVED babies and it hurts that I can't even look at one without wanting to break down.

I am pretty much over the angry part. Every once in awhile I will come across a women who is very obvious isn't the greatest mother and I do get a little bit of anger or jealousy that they could have a baby but not me. I am told that is normal but I still hate thinking things like that. I know there is reason they got one and not me, sometimes I just wish I knew what that reason was. Would be nice if there was a stamp on their forehead from God telling me why, lol. Sometimes I wish there was one on my forehead explaining why I don't ooh and ahh over their babies or explaining why I have his painful look on my face when I look at them and see a baby. I really do wonder if I will ever be able to look at a baby or child around the same age and be able to smile instead of being sad or angry. I don't want to walk around with a chip on my shoulder for people who were born from Jan-March of 2010.

We are still waiting on word about the compassionate reassignment. Dwayne looked into this past week and it was at brigade level, they have to pass it up the chain to human resources. Not sure why they are holding onto it so long. Hopefully we will hear something soon. We have so many things in our life right now that re up in the air because we don't know if we are moving or not. I just want to be told something soon, I hate this not knowing and waiting crap, lol. You would think I would be used to it by now since that is how it always is with the Army, lol.

I am so excited for tomorrow. We are going to get our tattoo's for Isabella. I am getting a snowflake, putting it the inner side of my left arm, where I would have held her. I am still up in the air about putting her name and birth/death date with it. Dwayne is getting a halo with angel wings and her name between them with her birth/death date under her name. He is also getting it on the inner side of his left arm. His therapist thinks this will give us a little bit of closure. I don't understand that but I hope she is right.

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