Monday, June 28, 2010

18 weeks

So saturday was the 18 week anniversary and I am proud to say I didn't cry once. We actually had a great family weekend! We started off the weekend friday night with pizza and family game night, the kids always love this!This month is something about month of the Dad here on post, guess because Father's day is this month. Now as a mother is kinda sucks cause they didn't have a month for Mom's, lol but that is okay. They will be having activities all month to honor the dads here on post. We always take advantage of the free things they offer here on post, not sure why more people don't. Saturday was a "picnic" for Father's and families. They had lots of fun activities set up for the kids and of course their favorite or all the bouncy bounces, that is what the kids call them, lol. They had lots of fun there and we ate our free lunch, lol. After that we went to the pool. I am soooooo happy they have finally made the pools free. Even though they weren't expensive before it would add up when you go often. The kids LOVE going to the pool so we will be going as much as we can! We had a lot of fun that day there, even with Dwayne getting a bit sunburned :). Sunday we went to church then checked out a place here we hadn't been to called Pillsbury Crossing in Manhattan. It is where a creek/river, not sure which one it is lol, crosses the road. The kids that it was awesome we drove across the water. LOL at first Katie was scared. You can also get out and go go swimming, there is a little water fall and a rope swing. Because the website said you couldn't swim there we didn't bring our bathingsuits, I wish we had, obviously no one follows that rule, lol. Next time we go back we will be bringing suits and floats! Now Jonathan is a bit like me and fearful of the unknown so he didn't enjoy it quite as much as Katie, lol. Hopefully he will get used to it after we go a few times and start to have some fun there. We are always looking for free fun things to do with the kids so happy we found this place! Then we ended the weekend all cuddled up in the living room watching Toy Story. I don't know how but the kids hadn't seen it before, weird considering it is one of my favorite Disney movies, lol. They really enjoyed it. We DVR'ed Toy Story 2 and will be watching that tonight probably. So we had a great family fun weekend and a plus for mommy and daddy was it didnt' cost us a penny :)

So the Soldier's advocate Dwayne contacted was a HUGE help! She got the compassionate reassignment to HRC! It is showing up on his AKO as pending. LOL think we are driving ouselves crazy checking AKO every few hours for an update on it. Asking for prayers that it gets approved! I really think moving away from here will help both of us. The room that was supposed to be Isabella's nursery is right at the top of the stairs, so everytime I go upstairs it is just a slap in the face. It isn't a good reminder of what happened, it isn't something that brings up the few good memories we have with her. Dwayne tries to keep the door closed for me so I don't see the empty room sitting there but I know what is behind that closed door. Dwayne having to go to work everyday on Rear D with the soldiers coming home is a constant reminder to him of why he came home. And of course sadly people are going to treat him differently. Some think he "dodged" the deployment , most don't understand what we went through and that he had a good reason to be home.

So for most of the weekend I didn't get upset or cry over Isabella. I did have a bit of an axciety or panic attack at church of all places. We got there a littler earlier than normal and took our seats, normally when we get there most people are already seated and truthfully we try to find the seat farthest away from any babies. Well since we got there early we didn't have that option. I had a baby in both directions of me. I tried to stay strong and not move to different seats before the service started. I managed that. But during worship service they most started cooing or crying at the same times. I literally felt like the room was spinning, I couldn't breath and just wanted to sit down and cry. I felt trapped. I tried to work though, I tried to control my breathing, used my inhaler and tried to concentrate on worshipping the Lord. It eventually got easier and I was somewhat able to concentrate on what the pastor was saying but it never totally went away. Most everything else has gotten easier over time I just wish this part with being around babies the same age she would be would get easier. Then Sunday night I watched Army Wives. Now this show usually brings a few tears to my eyes but usually because of something Army related. Like when they have homecoming ceremonies or saying goodbye to their soldier, stuff like that. But the past two episodes have had stuff in it about a charachter who miscarried. And this episode one of the charchters got pregnant. So that had me a little sad with a few tears that escaped. I just miss my baby girl so much. And there are still times where I can't control the emotions I feel about it. I know it will get easier over time but I also know it will never go away and I am okay with that. I don't want it to ever go away completely because I don't want to ever forget her. I am just looking forward to the day where I can smile and be happy thinking about her instead of the saddness and anger I sometimes still feel about her not being here with me.

Dwayne and I are doing better. We still have a little ways to go though. But after rereading some of my infant loss books I realize what we are going through is normal. When two people are in two different parts of the greiving process it can be hard on the marriage. We just have to continue to work though this and make sure we continue to communicate with each other, something we are working on but making progress. Because Dwayne never learned how to face his emotions it is taking him a bit longer to work through the grief. His therapist says on the emotional level as in communicating and facing emotions I am running at a sprint and he is just learning to stand up. So I just need to work on my patience and giving him the time he needs to get to where I am. She says he never faced his emotions about the deaths in his family of his Aunt who was like a mother figure to him, his sister and his step-dad. So he has quite a bit of grief to work through.

This past week Katie had her 1st t-ball game. Was a bittersweet moment, lol. So hard as her mommy to realize she is growing up, that she isn't my baby anymore, lol. It was so fun though to watch all of the kids out there playing. Of course t-ball is more about fun than winning, they don't even keep score and don't really do outs or anything like that. Just mainly working on learning the fundamentals of the game. She had so much fun playing and was great to see her find happiness in something and be proud of herself. With the ODD we have more angry and frustrated moments so the little things like that we really treasure and love. We are all looking forward to the game tomorrow night!

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