I thought knowing what the outcome was going to be would make this easier, boy was I wrong. Don't get me wrong I do not regret for one second carrying Isabella as long as I could. I am thankful for each precious day I had with her in my tummy.
I know she is in a better place now but I guess I am just a selfish person and want her home with me. I want to feel her in my arms again. I want to hear her cry. I want to be up all night feeding her and loving on her. There is so much I feel I was cheated out of.
Everyone keeps asking me how I am doing and of course I always say ok or I am fine, really what else am I supposed to say? Am I supposed to tell them how I am constantly on the verge of tears and never know what is going to trigger them. How I feel like I have to be strong and not let anyone see how upset I really am? I haven't even let my own husband see me cry or know how hurt I am. I wish I could just break down and let him hold me and comfort me but for some reason like always I feel I have to put up a front and be the strong person. I haven't even been able to call those closest to me for fear of breaking down when I am on the phone with them.
I wish someone would tell my body that even though I did have a baby it is no longer here. There is no reason for my milk to be coming in and all the normal pains from birth are just a reminder of the fact that she isn't here.
All I want to do is sleep because I can see her in my dreams, I get to be her mother in my dreams and take care of her. And even if I don't dream of her I am not awake to feel this constant heartache I am feeling. It is so bad that I have to sleep with her blanket jut to feel close to her, without it I am not able to sleep. My arms literally ache from the want and need to hold her.
I feel like in a way I am letting her down by not being able to stay strong and postive through this. I thoguht coming on here and writing this might help me to feel a little bit better. That maybe getting some of this off my chest would help. But I just can't seem to find the words to explain how I am feeling. There are no words to explain this terrible ache I feel and the emptiness in my heart. I guess right now nothing is going to make me feel any better. I just have to keep faking it until the day I realize I am doing okay and don't need to fake it anymore.