Monday, June 28, 2010

21 weeks

These past couple weeks have been a real rollercoaster for me. I had a great couple weeks but this last week has been bad. I think part of it is realizing that this time last year is when we found out we were pregnant with Isabella. I remember how excited and happy we were that the Lord was blessing us again with another baby to love and hold. Then that leads me to remember the day my world came crashing down, Nov 2nd, when the doctor said she had Anencephaly. Before Dwayne deployed we moved Katie into the playroom so we could use her room for the nursery. Even though I was only about two months along he didn't want me to do it and risk hurting the baby after he left. Now that room sits up there empty. A constant reminder of our baby not being here like she should be. I can't bring myself to turn that room into a playroom or do anything else with it. For awhile I tossed around the idea of turning it into a study/office type of room but I couldn't do it. I really think right now that would make it worse. It would make it seem like we are acting like it never happened. Not to mention I really don't want to sit in there on the computer thinking that I should be rocking my baby to sleep in that room and not typing on a stupid computer.

This past week has been bad for me with being around babies and pregnant women. I had been over the pregnant women part of it but I guess with the reminder of me finding out I was pregnant last year has brought it back up to the surface. I seriously thought about going through and deleting every pregnant woman and parent with a baby around 5 months old or younger this week. Luckily a friend of mind reminded me about the hide option, lol. But I hate that I am this way. I hate that I can't be all happy and excited for my friends. I hate these jealousy feelings I have. Then there is the one pregnant mom I see at the pool who downs energy drinks while she is very obviously pregnant. I really want to go up and slap some sense into her. Make her realize just how lucky she is to have that baby growing in her stomach and how lucky she is going to be to be able to take her baby home and watch it grow up. I just wish there was some way to make every mom and future mom know just how lucky they are. How I would give up almost anything to be able to do what they are doing or going to be able to do. Everytime I hear a pregnant woman or new mother complaining I really want to go crazy ass white girl on them, lol. Seriously it drives me crazy that they don't realize how blessed they are! I mean don't get me wrong, I know how blessed I am to have my 3 alive and well when there are people out there who can't even get pregnant. But I am not going to lie, I am human and I am selfish and I want my Isabella here too!

Also right now I am stressed and confused as hell about my body and what is going on with it. I am 19 days late and have had 7 negative pg tests. The symptoms I have could fall under my friend coming or me being pregnant since I have the same symptoms for both, lol. So I have no idea what is going on. I have no idea if I should go to a doctor or should I just keep waiting to see what happens. I am also tired of spending lots of money on these tests, getting my hopes up just to see the negative on it.

Of course I am also stressing about this compassionate reassignment. It is a good sign we haven't heard anything yet but it still sucks. First HRC moved at the beginning of this month so that is making it take a bit longer. Then like some of Dwayne's sgt's pointed out before it gets approved they have to find a unit to put him in which can make it take longer. Pretty much if it was going to be denied we probably would have already heard something. It just sucks cause I don't know what to do about Katie for school. Should I enroll her here? They have already started to enroll here, I know they are weird, lol. Or should I wait to see if we are moving and will be in VA before Sept when they start school there? If we do move will we have a place to live before School starts? If not then how do I know where to enroll her? It would have been so much easier if Dwayne's unit would have followed army regulations from the beginning, we probably would have heard something by now!

On a postive note we have been keeping really busy and having lots of fun the past few weeks. We are constantly at the pool or lake. We even drove into Salina for Father's Day to go to the waterpark there! I love summer and am slowly turning into an outdoorsy type of person, lol. I am really looking forward to Sundown Salute starting on Wed. It is a week long celebration for 4th of July, with most things being free! We usually pick a few things to do each day so we always have something to do, and the kids don't get overwhelmed, lol.

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