Monday, June 28, 2010

30 weeks

Well as you might know from my status update we didn't get the best of news today at the doctor. I am measuring at 36 weeks when I am only 30 weeks. This sometimes happens with babies with Anencephaly. They can be so comotose like that they don't swallow the amniotic fluid like most babies do. They did a sonogram to make sure that is what is going on. They measure the pockets of fluid and anywhere from 5-25 is considered normal and we are at 26.1. So just over but still over. She did say that I might actually be higher than that because there were a couple pockets where she couldn't even get the top and bottom on the screen to measure because they were so big. This explains the pains I get when I walk or am on my feet. This also explains my 10lb weight gain this month, lol. Well at least I am going to use that as the excuse, has nothing to do with the Christmas goodies I ate, lol.

As of right now we don't know what the next step is. My "doctor" is actually only a NP so she is going to talk to the doctor who would most likely see me from now and see what he says. She also would like me to go to Topkea and see the specialist again and get his opinion. I am lucky though that they all agree and support me with the decision to go as long as possible and do whatever we can to hopefully have Isabella born alive. I was told today they were 99% sure I would be able to have a c-sec if I delievered at the Army hospital here, however if for some reason they think I should go to Topeka we aren't sure what Tricare will cover. Hopefully if they have to they can use this extra fluid as a medical reason to need one. The hard part now is deciding how long to wait. If we wait to long the fluid can rupture which will most likely lead to Isabella being born still and also puts my life in danger.

My doctor also let is slip today that Isabella is the worse case of Anencephaly the specialist in Topeka has ever seen. Hearing that was like hearing all over again that she wasn't going to survive. That pretty much took away all my hope of her living for hours or even days. It is even hard now to still have hope of her living for a few mins after the cord is cut. It also pretty much means without a c-sec there isn't much hope of her surviving a normal birth.

Right now it is just really hitting me the short amount of time we have left. I was already upset thinking we had until March, thinking that wasn't enough time left to have her in my tummy alive. But now with this fluid problem we most likely won't even make it to March. I hate feeling her move inside me, knowing she is alive, while thinking that in a matter of weeks she will be dead and we will be having a memorial service for her. All of this is still breaking my heart. Yes I have come to terms with it, and mentally I am prepared for it, but my heart just can't handle it.

The funny thing is everyone thinks I am dealing with this wonderfully, they are all surprised at how well I am handling it. Well it is all a lie. I can fake a smile and laugh better than anyone. But on the inside I am dying, I am in more pain than I have ever been in my life. I feel so alone and isolated because no one knows what I am feeling or even what it is like to be going through this. At the same time I wonder how everyone else can keep going on with life like normal, don't they know what I am going through? Don't they know that my daughter is about to die? For me the world has stopped turning but for everyone else it is spinning around and around and life goes on for them. At the doctors office today I wanted to get up and shout to all the other women to shut up and stop their bitching and complaining, don't they know how lucky they are to be having a baby they are going to be able to bring home and watch grow up? Who cares how swollen your ankles are and how hard it is to walk, who cares that you are 36 weeks pregnant with twins but they won't induce you. All of them I wanted to slap in the face and tell them to just shut up and be thankful for what they have. Instead I just sat there and smiled and kept my mouth shut. Like when a lady showed me her 3 day old baby she was taking home from the hospital, I smiled and said how beautiful she was while I was thinking why, why she got to have a healthy baby and not me. I feel so guilty for thinking these thoughts all the time but I can't seem to help it.

Oh well guess it is time for my pity party to end and for the fake smile to come back. Time to go on pretending that everything is okay when really my world is falling apart.

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