Monday, June 28, 2010

19 weeks

Recently when I think of my pregnancy and time with Isabella it all feels like a dream. Like it never really happened. Life is pretty much back to normal now, there isn't that constant heart ache and reminder of what we went through. I am not sure if this is a good thing or not. It scares me that after just 19 weeks it is already like a dream. I am scared what it will be like after a year or 2 years and so on. Is it to get where I don't even remember her at all? Is it going to take me looking at her pictures to recall what she looked like? The other day driving home from the shoppette it hit me that I can no longer remember how she felt in my arms. That broke my heart. I remember holding her, I have picture of me holding her but I can no longer remember feeling the weight of her in my arms, but yet my arms still ache to hold her. I don't want to live in the constant heartache anymore but I also don't want to forget her. It feels like I am trapped. I can stay in the past remembering every little thing about her but having to have that constant sadness and heartache or I can start taking those steps towards the future and have to leave her behind. I don't want to choose either of those. I want a mixture of both. I want to take her into the future with me, but I just can't seem to figure out how to do that.

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