Monday, June 28, 2010

Emotional Rollercoaster

Wow this week has been crazy! One emotion after the other all week. As some of you saw my relationship status went from Married to It's Complicated this week. I really have NO idea what is going on with us. One day we are fine and then next we are talking divorce then the next we are fine again. We are both emotionally and spirtually in two different places right now and it is making it very hard on us and our marriage. I don't want to give up on us, we have been together almost 11 years now, married for almost 10. I think we can make it through this so I am not ready to give up on us yet but how long do I wait? How long do we keep trying and getting nowhere? And heck I realized even if I wanted to leave I couldn't. Most people have parents they can go home to, I don't. I don't have any way of supporting myself and the kids. I can't get a job that makes enough for a roof over our heads, food on the table and clothes on our backs. Hopefully though it won't come to that. Ever since our last "fight" things have been okay, hopefully it can continue that way. I can't imagine my life without him so it breaks my heart to even think of seperation and divorce.

Up until today I have been doing great with everything with Isabella. Haven't had any break downs and no crying! Then today at wiggles and giggles the other wives heard me telling the instructor we put in for a compassionate reassignment, she knows about Isabella, and they had never heard of one. So I had to explain what they were and why we are trying to get one. Then the one mom with a baby said her daughter was 4 months old, what Isabella would have been in a few days. So I told her Isabella's birthday and it got us started talking about her. While I LOVE to talk about her this was the first time I have talked about her with strangers and it was hard to hold the tears back, but I did it. Then the one mom that is pregnant mentioned her doctors name, the same one I had at the end of my pregnancy and the one that delievered Isabella. So needless to say there wasn't a lot of giggling for me at wiggles and giggles today.

I have been trying to find a job because I want to get out of the house and meet people and because I am tired of being broke, lol. I need something in the evening though because of Katie's school schedule and I can't find anything. Not to mention I haven't worked outside of the home since 2004, that doesn't look great on applications, lol. I keep checking everyday and praying something will show up, hopefully something does soon. We need every extra penny we can get if we are going to move.

So to end my note with something positive I am going to brag about Katie :) She is doing GREAT in school and is starting to spell words. The other day she came down and said I am going to write zoo and she did, spelled it right! Then she did it again the next day with bed! Yes they are small words but I think it is awesome for just a preschooler :)

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