Monday, June 28, 2010

6 weeks

Saturday was 6 weeks from Isabella being born. In some ways it feels like yesterday I was holding her in my arms, in other ways it feels like a lifetime ago that my world came crashing down. Tomorrow will be my actual due date for her. I can't help but feel some guilt for inducing at 33 weeks. Yes I know there were complications with the polyhydroaminos and how it was affecting my asthma. But I can't help but think I chose myself over her. Something as a mother I swore I would never do. I can't help but think I could have carried her longer, my asthma wasn't that bad yet. And of course I wonder if I had carried her longer would she have lived longer? Would I have had more than 3 mins with her? Don't get me wrong I am so very thankful for those 3 mins but I can't help but wonder and feel guilty about things. Dwayne and I have talked years ago about what we would do if I was pregnant and it came down to me or the baby, the choice I would want made is for the baby to live. I know this situaion is different because no matter what she wouldn't have lived a full life, but my choosing myself did I shorten her life? I can't help but think of those extra days or weeks I would of had with her in my tummy if I had told the doctors no I want to wait. Dwayne has told me over and over we did the right thing, that it was the right time. That if we had waited longer more complications could have happened that could have lead to her being born still, and put myself in more danger. My brain knows this stuff is true, my heart can't help but question it and wonder.

A lot of people think it is time for me to move on, that I should be over it by now. Trust me I wish I could in so many ways. I don't enjoy being depressed, I don't enjoy not being able to sleep, I don't enjoy crying all the time. I just miss her so much and can't seem to figure out how to "move on". I don't want to forget her, and I guess maybe I am scared if I stop looking at her things and thinking about her the memories are going to slowly fade away. I have good days, recently have been having days when I don't even cry. I start to think I am finally seeing the light at the end of this dark tunnel and then I don't know what happens but I am back in this dark place. My heart literally feels like it has been crushed to pieces and I have no idea how to glue it back together. I put so much energy into putting on the fake mask to hide how I am really feeling that I have no energy left to do anything else. I have really been trying to get back to normal life but it is so hard. I don't feel like doing anything. I can't sleep at night which leads to no energy during the day to do much around the house. It takes me all day long just to get the downstairs of our house cleaned, I never make it upstairs. After dinner I literally just crash, I sit down and can't move to do anything. I am so tired but every night I just can't seem to fall asleep.

I really hope we can get this compassionate reassignment approved. The rear d 1st sgt told the CSM about it and he said no, even before he read any paperwork. But after some reasearch we learned he has no right to deny it, it goes way above his head. The paperwork is supposed to be passed up to army personel, meaning no one in the unit or even on this post can make the decision about it. We haven't put the paperwork in yet we are waiting to get something from the chaplin recommending it. Once we get that Dwayne is goign to tell them to put the paperwork in, and then he is going to IG to make sure they do what they are supposed to do with it. I really think moving back to VA will help me so much. I have family and friends there when I have no one here anymore. All my friends have moved away or I learned they weren't my friends to begin with. I have no one here to get out with and take my mind off things. Dwayne is the only one I have to talk to and for some reason I don't talk to him much. Everyone said this would bring us closer together and in some ways maybe it did but I also fear it has driven us apart too. Neither of us really talk to each other about it. He thinks he is going to upset me by talking about it, even though I told him I want to talk about her, and for some reason that I don't know I don't talk to him. Both of us are depressed and I guess we don't have what we need to hold the other one up during this time. I think him getting away from here and the stress from the unit will help him too.

I am just so tired of fighting the unit, the army, the depression. I am almost to the point that I just want to give up and lay in bed all day. To go numb and not feel anything. I don't want to live a life like that. Isabella taught me how precious life really is and I feel like I am letting her down by not getting out there and enjoying every little bit of it I can

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