Monday, June 28, 2010

Lesson's learned from my Daughter

They say everything happens for a reason. Well I still haven't figured out the reason why Isabella had to have Anencephaly and pass away, and not sure I will ever know the reason but I do know she has taught me quite a bit in her short life.

I have always thought of myself as trying to find the positive in everything. But then Isabella blessed our lives and really opened up my eyes. Most people hear she only lived for almost 3 mins and say how sorry they are. We on the other hand thanked God she lived those minutes. Thank God that she was born alive and got to hold her in our arms before she passed away. The doctor and nurses weren't monitoring her heart rate and when she was pronounced alive when she was born, well I think that was the first time I had ever experienced pure joy and happiness. Even though I knew what was to come I could never be happier than I was at that moment. I cried tears of happiness.

She has taught me to appreciate every minute I have with Wesley, Katie and Jonathan. Yes there are times that they get on my nerves and then I will remember how Isabella taught me how lucky I am to have them here with me. I find joy in the smallest things now. Things I would have before just looked past or not even noticed. Even things that before might have upset me I can now laugh about it. The other morning I came downstairs to Katie and Jonathan helping themselves to cookies for breakfast and having played in her make up. Before I would have been very upset at both of them. Instead I got a good laugh at the make up job Jonathan had done on himself, instead of putting the eyeshadow on his eyes he had a blue forehead lol, and said what the heck sometimes it is good to change things up and have cookies for breakfast and helped myself to a few of them, lol.

She has taught me what is really important in life. That no matter what kind of material possesions we have that as long as we have love that is all that matters. You see love is all she ever knew, how wonderful of a life that would be to live. To never have anger or see some of the scary things involved in living now a days. I try now to show love in everything I do. I mean I am human so there are times I do get angry and slip up but then it is almost like Isabella is that good angel on my shoulder you see in movies and I remember what she has taught me.

I look at situations totally different now. Things that before would have pissed me off or upset me I try to find the positive in it. I saw the other day one of my shoes was messed up, a pair that wasn't cheap. Before I probably would have let it ruin my day, now I just thought it's just a shoe, there are more important things in life.

She has reminded me about my faith and my life with God. Over the past few years my relationship with God had been pushed to the back burner. But since the diganosis of Isabella's anencephaly I can honestly say I know God has been with me and has been watching over my family. After everything that has happened from Dwayne being approved for Emergency leave, to it being extended, to being approved to stay home until the birth, to not being deployed again and to now most likely moving back to VA, I truely do not understand how anyone can say God doesn't exsist. God has moved every mountain that has been in our away along this journey. And after what we learned yesterday with the compassionate reassignment he is still doing it. He has brought a wonderful man into our lives, one of Dwayne's Sgt's. He has been a huge supporter to us and our family. And now he has helped us find the church we have been looking for the past 3 1/2 years! I have had people use the fact that Isabella did have anencephaly and did die to suggest it would question my faith, not make it stronger. Well yes I was very angry at God for it, and there are days I do still get angry. But I am only human. I do not see it as any kind of punishment or use it as an excuse to deny that there is a God. I have always known that death is a part of life, it is something I was forced to acknowledge when my dad died in 1998 and then slapped in my face again once I joined Dwaynes family and we lost a few family members in about a years time. I have always felt when your job is done here on earth it is your time to go, no matter who you are where you are or anything like that. Isabella's job just didn't take as long as most peoples. Or else I was just blessed with an extremly gifted child who got it done a lot faster than God had planned :)

She taught me to not take things for granted anymore. Everyday I wake up is a good day! That is how I see life now. Of course I still have bad days and even still have depressed days but I still am thankful to wake up that morning breathing! She also renewed my faith in military healthcare. I mean don't get me wrong it still sucks in a lot of ways, lol. But I had gotten to the point after seeing so many different doctors and nurses that there weren't anymore that honestly cared about the patient. Well we couldn't have asked for better doctors or nurses. I honestly believe they were a gift from God! Mrs. Brockson and Dr. Sessions were wonderful with us. Both listened to what we wanted out of this pregnancy and did what they could to make sure that happened. Both were caring and understanding of our situation. Dr. Sessions even came in on his day off to deliever Isabella! And Nurse April, well I can't say enough good about her. I remember her asking me what I needed from her shortly after we got there. I told her to not treat us any differently, and she really lived up to that. I know it had to be hard on her too. She really kept the mood upbeat and we talked and laughed like I was there to deliever a baby no different than anyone else. I remember how happy I was that she had come back on shift when it was time for Isabella to be born. I am thankful that she was there to share that wonderful moment with us, even if she did bruise my muscles pushing on my stomach, lol, just kidding April :) The other nurses that were there were also great. The nurses that took care of Isabella were wonderful too! They all did so much for us and I will always be thankful to them. Now whenever I have to go to a military hospital I will remember these wonderful people and remember there are still people out there in the medical field who truely care about their pateints.

And then she has taught me who my real friends and family are. Sadly this isn't a lesson that is always fun to learn. But I guess I would rather weed out the bad ones before the friendships got any farther along. She also reconnected me with some old friends too. So many people supported me and my family during this time, some people who I least expected to. Then there were the ones who I thought would be there and now no longer even talk to me, one who I never even saw again after the diagnosis. One person who I really thought I was close with, who I would call whenever anything was wrong really let me down. It really hurt to realize she wasn't really there for me, but I would rather learn that lesson then go on thinking she was a true friend.Also because of her I have met some wonderful and brave women through the Anencephaly group. In a lot of ways she brought me and my mother closer together. I don't think I had ever talked to my mom in my entire life as much as I have from the time Isabella was diagnosed to now. Maybe Isabella taught her a few things too.

Maybe one of the lessons is the reason for her short life, maybe they all are or maybe none of them. I have gotten to the point where it doesn't matter what the reason was as much as it used to. Instead I am just thankful for what she has taught me and I am sure will continue to teach me as I go through the rest of my life with her watching over me.

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