Monday, June 28, 2010

Can't Sleep

Seems a lot recently I haven't been able to sleep. Have so much going through my mind it doesn't want to shut off for a few hours. I hate it, I hate just laying up in bed thinking constantly.And of course at times like that we never usually concentrate on the good things in our lives but on the bad which doesn't help me fall to sleep any faster, lol.

This past saturday was the 15 week anniversary of Isabella's birth and death. On the bright side I had to pull up the calendar here on the computer to count the weeks. So I am no longer remembering them on my own. In a lot of ways that is a good sign of moving on with life, but it also makes me sad. My biggest fear is forgetting her and it seems in some ways it has already started. I want to keep her memory alive, I want people to remember her and how special she was. I also can't believe it has already been 15 weeks! I swear I close my eyes and can still see and feel her in my arms. It feels like just yesterday she was in my tummy kicking me and moving around.

I am doing a lot better with the grief now. I do still get a little upset around other babies but not like I was. Mainly now it is just when I hear them crying. I guess because I never got to hear Isabella cry it makes it hurt a little more. I am no longer allowing myself to run away from it anymore though, I am making myself face it and each time it gets easier so hopefully soon it won't be so heartbreaking to hear anymore.

This week has been a little harder than other weeks. LOL I was joking around that I must be pregnant because I had to be hormonal the way I was acting. I had two friends lose their baby girls in a weeks time from Anencephaly, so I am guessing maybe that brought up some emotions. I cried my heart out for one of them because I felt so bad because I knew what they were going through. I wish we could all live closer together because I wish I could be there for them in more ways than over the internet. I know nothing I can say to them will make anything better but my arms ache to give them a hug and let them know I am there for them.

One of my friends mentioned something about maybe feeling guilty for going on with life. I have to say that is one of the things I have read about in the grief books I haven't had to deal with. Even after deaths of other family members I continued smiling and laughing and enjoying life as much as I could. I feel that our loved ones wouldn't want us sitting around crying and moping all day. They would want us to be out there enjoying the life we have left. I know after my dad died that is how I got through it. I know the way he was and he would have been upset if I didn't have fun with my life. He was a man full of laughter and funny stories, he was the type that was always the center of attention. I know he wouldn't have wanted me laying around crying all the time. Even though Isabella didn't get much of a life I just have this feeling I would be letting her down if I didn't keep going and enjoy my life. Especially since one of the lessons she taught me was just how precious life really is. So I get up everyday first thanking God I woke up that morning breathing and then looking forward to my day, to whatever little things I can find happiness, joy and laughter in.

The hospital here on post offers a support group for pregnancy and infant loss. I have finally decided I am ready to go. I have read in so many books and on so many things online how much it helps so hoping it does. I think just being able to go and talk about Isabella will feel great. I LOVE talking about her and telling her story, lol they might start telling me to shut up :) Plus it will be nice to be around others who understand what I am going through. I am hoping we can find a babysitter for the kids so Dwayne can go too, it is in the evening and they offer no child care for it. His therapist thinks if he actually does go and talk it could really help him too.The next meeting is on the 1st. I am scared but also looking forward to it.

I have decided that since I normally come on here and write when I am depressed it makes my posts always sound so depressing, so because of that I am going to end them with something that has made me smile. Recently I was talking to a friend and I remembered one of the funniest parts of my time in the hospital when I was having Isabella, so I have decided to share it here. At some point the 2nd day I was in labor the kids were watching a Barbie movie, of course at Katie's request, lol. Well my male doctor and my husband actually stood around discussing barbie movies..yes two male adult men! So maybe it was just for a couple of minutes, and my doctor does have daughters..but still it had me cracking up between contractions! LOL it still brings a smile to my face when I think about it.

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