Monday, June 28, 2010

From Nov 4, 2009

So as most of you know our baby girl has a form of open neural tube defect where her brain and skull didn't form completely. I have been doing research of it online. I know from that it is nothing that I did during the pregnancy. It usually happens between the 3rd and 4th week of pregnancy, so before most women even know they are pregnant. Even though I know all the facts on it and have done all the research it doesn't help me emotionally with it.

I know a few people have wondered why in the world did I post this on facebook. Well most of my friends live all across the country, some even in other countries. They all knew that I was going to the specialist because of the lab results. I knew they would all be wondering what I found out. I didn't want to have to tell the story over and over again, because really I would break down everytime I had to tell it, so figured that would be the easiest way for me to let everyone know.

Most people have asked me what the next step is. I have to deliever the baby. The doctors said whenever I was ready to do it, there is no rush. In a normal world there is no rush, with Dwayne being deployed it does change things. With my own faith and beliefs if he was home there would be no inducing early. I would carry her to term. But at the same time I want Dwayne here for it. He deserves a chance to say goodbye and really we will need each other emotionally for it. I really doubt the Army will let him stay home until March so most likely I am going to have to induce early. I do know if I had been able to go to term she could live for a few mins to a few days, if she survived the birth. I am not sure what will happen with inducing early.I know people will judge me for this, that most pro lifers will not understand this decision. I just say to that I have to do what is best for me and my family.

This is a very hard time for me. For me she isn't just a fetus, she is my daughter. We have named her Isabella Grace. Right now I am going through the whole it's not fair thing. I keep thinking I should be out shopping for her not planning her funeral. I have very strong Christian beliefs so I know that there is a reason for this, I just don't know what it is. I might never know but I put my trust in God that he knows what he is doing. I know that she will go to Heaven, and it comforts me to know she will be loved and taken care of there. I know our family members up there will welcome her with open arms. Even though I know all this and it does help comfort me some I am still hurting. I know this is something that will take a long time to heal from, it isn't going to happen over night. Isabella has been wanted and loved from even before the time she was concieved, I will continue to love her until I get to go to Heaven and be with her. I just hope that even in the womb she knows that she is loved, that she can feel it. This is not something we are going to pretend didn't happen. Not something that is going to be hidden away and never talked about. Our kids will grow up knowing their sister is up in Heaven watching over them. They will grow up knowing her story. She is a part of our family and will always be.

I have already had to talk to Katie about it, which was in no way easy. She knows that the baby is sick and that she will be going to Heaven to be an angel. She understands as much as she can for her age. She of course has been asking me a million questions about it, which I have been answering as honestly as I can. Some of them even I don't know the answers to though.

Right now my heart is breaking. We have had death in our family, my own dad died 11 years ago. But this is like nothing I have ever felt before. It is so hard to go from excitment of bringing a new life into this world to grieving and mourning it. You hear of stuff like this happening to other people but you never think it could happen to you. There really are no words to express how I am feeling. I am on a huge roller coaster of feelings right now.

I want to thank everyone for their kind words in all the comments and messages. Please do not hold it against me that I have not written back, it just to hard for me right now. I hope you all can understand that. I want to thank those of you who have been keeping me company through the phone and online, it really means a lot to me.

I would also like to point out to my family members that if any one of you decide to try and get pregnant see a doctor and get a prescription for folic acid before you start. You are at a higher risk of this happening to you with it now being in our family. Even if you aren't in my family this is something that you should do. From what the doctors told me and researching online taking the folic acid before you get pregnant drops the risk of this by 50%.But those in my family or anyone with a family history of this needs a stronger amount than what is in your normal prenatals. I just don't want anyone else to have to go through this. Waiting to start prenatals when you find out you are pregnant could be to late since this happens so early on in the pregnancy. I guess I should point out that for family the risk is higher for any open neural tube defect, not just this. Anyways I don't mean to become an "advocate" for this but just wanted to make sure people do know the risk so hopefully this can be prevented from happening again the future.

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